


It Could Be Easy

by rurambles



Series: Ease [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexuality, Depression, Dissociation, First Kiss, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Death, Postpartum Depression, Rejection, Slow Burn, Texting, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:28:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 52,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rurambles/pseuds/rurambles
Summary: Before Shoyou's father passed away he told him to fight for what he wanted.He wanted two things: to play volleyball and to be with Tsukishima Kei.Finally, Not That Easy from Hinata's POV. This can be read on its own as it's the other side of the story.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: Ease [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058075
Comments: 34
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy to get this started! I am extremely proud of Not That Easy so it's really exciting to round off the story with Hinata's POV, and there's so much to cover. NTE had only a few extremely long chapters (ch 1 was almost 25k!) but I'm breaking this up differently for sanity reasons so there will be more chapters with less words but it should end up being a comparable length. Probably.

Shoyou could remember what it felt like to hold his newborn sister for the first time. He could remember her weight in his arms and what she felt like against his chest, her weird baby smell and how she had so much hair, but he mostly remembered how her arrival changed the fabric of their family.

Before Natsu was born his household was happy and warm and full of joy. He was only six when she was born but he could remember things like planting flowers and playing in the snow with his mother, or helping his father cook and surprising his mother in bed with something he helped create. He didn’t remember learning how to read but he could close his eyes and see a shelf lined with colorful books and remember feeling safe in his parents arms as they read to him and he parroted the words back.

When he was five years old his parents sat him down and told him that they had a special announcement, he was going to be a big brother. He cried at the news, big fat tears rolled down his face at the prospect of having to share his parents with someone else. He didn’t want anyone to take them from him. He loved that they were his and only his.

After the disastrous announcement Shoyou’s parents consoled him, showering him with love and affection, and he forgot that someone else was going to enter their home. It was easy to get swept away in the day-to-day routine when you’re five and happy and loved.

He forgot until his mother’s stomach grew bigger and she became more uncomfortable with herself. Shoyou was fascinated with the change. His mother smiled at him and told him that he grew in her belly just like this, just like his new sibling was.

He looked at her with wonder. His mother was growing a whole person inside her. They had planted seeds together and watched how they bloomed into flowers so he sort of understood what was happening, he knew how things grew, but it was hard for him to wrap his mind about an entire person being in there. He was small but he wasn’t that small.

Any negative feelings he had about getting a sibling faded when he felt the baby kick for the first time.

Shoyou jumped off the bed the first time he felt it, “Is she fighting with me?” he asked with wide eyes.

His mother laughed and opened her arms, calling him in for a hug which he willingly went to, “No, my love,” she smiled, “she’s just stretching but she doesn’t have a lot of room. Here, feel.” She took Shoyou’s hand and placed it against her bare stomach so he could feel Natsu rolling around.

“Does it hurt her? Being in your tummy?” he asked, still completely focused on the weird feeling under his palm.

“No,” she said again, “It would hurt a lot more being out in the world.”

He didn’t really understand what she meant but he didn’t ask, “Do these hurt?” he touched the stretch marks that crept across her stomach.

She ran her fingers across them and for a second her smile faltered, “They don’t hurt. They show that my body has done something incredible.”

Shoyou smiled brightly at his mother and kissed her stomach, “I wanna meet her now!”

“Soon, love, soon,” she patted his head, “Good things take time.

* * *

The day Natsu was born didn’t stand out in Shoyou’s mind. One day she wasn’t there and the next she was.

Their house was never quiet before Natsu was born-- the Hinata family was not made up of quiet people. But Natsu cried a lot and his mother cried a lot and his father cried some so Shoyou thought that maybe he was supposed to be crying as well so he did too. He didn’t know why everyone was upset but his usually jovial household went from being full of laughter and music to tears and empty silences.

At six years old he understood that mothers were supposed to take care of their babies. But after returning from the hospital his mother refused to see Natsu let alone hold or feed her. It was then, when his mother was yelling and crying about not wanting to leave her bedroom, did his father put Natsu in his arms and tell him to stay there, that he needed to take care of mama but he would be right back.

Shoyou held her carefully, trying to mimic the way he saw his father holding her earlier because he didn’t want to hurt her and make her cry more. Their mother’s cries already rang throughout the house far too often, he didn’t want Natsu to cry, because then he would too and someone needed to be strong.

After a few minutes he began to fidget. He was never good at sitting still and sitting still with a baby in his arms was the most difficult thing he had ever done. He wanted to go and see if his father could take her, or ask if he was allowed to put her down. But he could still hear his mother sobbing and his father trying to soothe her and he didn’t want to interrupt. So he held her.

But then Natsu started to wiggle in his arms and it had to be his fault because he was thinking really hard about putting her down so she must have known and wanted to get away from him. For a newborn baby she could scream surprisingly loud and Shoyou almost dropped her when she shrieked. He didn’t know what she wanted. He was only six, it wasn’t his responsibility.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

His father ran into the room to help.

Shoyou burst out crying.

* * *

Weeks later his mother was still locked in her room. Shoyou barely saw her, only heard her if she was crying or yelling. He didn’t like it, he hid his head under his pillow and wished that Natsu would go away because this all started when she got here. But he knew that she was a tiny baby and it wasn’t her fault.

Mama is sick, his father told him, it happens sometimes after people have babies and she should get better soon.

Shoyou didn’t understand. He had been sick before, he had cried because he didn’t feel well, but even when he was sick he still wanted to see his family, he wanted to be with people. Even though his mother’s sickness had to do with Natsu she was also refusing to see him, and he missed her. Back when he first found out when she was pregnant he worried about losing time with his parents but he never could have imagined anything like this.

He didn’t know anything like this was possible.

Shoyou’s father was doing everything he could to keep the family running. He fed and changed and bathed Natsu. He fed and bathed Shoyou. If he had any extra energy after taking care of everyone he would try and play with Shoyou for a little bit, but those days were few and far between. Taking care of three people was exhausting.

Shoyou tried to help where he could. He could hold Natsu and her bottle and feed her, and pat her back gently to burp her when she was done-- although the first time she spit up on him he was so surprised he cried. He wanted to help bathe her because she was washed in the sink and it looked like fun but he couldn’t reach, so he stood and watched and talked to them.

When he could he tried to see his mother.

She didn’t do anything other than lay in bed. Her room had a weird smell that it didn’t have before. All of the curtains were drawn and the usually bright room was dark and depressing. Shoyou didn’t like being in it but he missed his mother and wanted to see her.

The first time he tried to visit her, she cried until his father found him and ushered him away. He didn’t understand what he had done to make her upset and his father had to tell him over and over that it wasn’t his fault, that mama was sick and it was making her cry a lot. He wanted her to get better soon.

The second time he visited she didn’t cry. She didn’t talk or move either, she just stared at him. Shoyou tried to talk to her. He told her about what he had drawn earlier that day and the cartoon he had watched. She barely reacted.

The third time she opened her arms to him and he dove at her. He cried when he hugged her but she only lightly patted his back. It wasn’t the squeezing hug he wanted but it was something. She asked, in a quiet voice he barely recognized, if Shoyou would lay on top of her, to make himself heavy as possible, like it was a game.

He was happy that she wanted to play with him.

* * *

Slowly his mother rejoined the family. She got out of bed and showered and joined them for a meal.

She could hold Natsu but only for a few minutes at a time, more often than not it ended in her crying and his father taking Natsu away. Shoyou thought that she was supposed to be better now and that the crying would stop, that’s what happened when you stopped being sick.

He asked his father about it and he looked worn down. He told him that mama wasn’t better yet but she was trying to get better and that meant not staying in her room all day.

But after months of living with the whisper of his mother’s presence and his father’s slowly fading energy as he tried to keep his family together, Shoyou did what any six year old would do, he exploded. He screamed and tantrumed and threw his toys and stomped his foot. His father tried to soothe him but he kept going until he wore himself out.

Shoyou didn’t want to stop. He wanted things to go back. He wanted his mother to care that he was freaking out. He wanted to interact with her other than her weird game of asking him to lay on top of him. He wanted his parents to play with him. He wanted Natsu to cry less.

He tried to ask for these things, he did, but it all came out in a mess of tears and half mumbled words. The worst part was, after he woke up from his tantrum-induced nap his parents acted like the entire thing never happened. Nothing changed. Everyone was still upset.

* * *

Natsu was one when his father had enough. Shoyou heard them yelling about his mother going to a doctor and he frowned, even he knew that if you were sick you were supposed to go to a doctor, and he was only seven years old. But she didn’t want to go, she yelled and cried about how she didn’t need to go, how it was unnecessary and how she was doing fine.

But his father asked her basic questions about Natsu, what she liked to eat and how well she slept, and she couldn’t answer, because she was still interacting with her daughter as little as possible. He asked about Shoyou, what size clothes he wore and what his favorite television show was. She didn’t know.

It took a lot of coaxing to get her to a doctor, and even more time to get her diagnosed with postpartum depression, which they told Shoyou meant having a baby made her body and brain really sad, which sounded silly to him. Why would a body do that when it had to take care of a baby? He didn’t know what it fully meant but he hugged her and told her that he would try to make her happy.

She almost smiled at him.

* * *

By the time Shoyou was ten he knew how to navigate the ups and downs of his family.

It had high periods where it was easy to forget about his mother’s depression and she happily doted on Natsu and played games with him and low periods where the house became eerily quiet and everyone tried to keep to themselves, even four year old Natsu.

He obviously liked the happy periods more, and as time went one they lasted longer and were more common. It was nice to see his mother move freely around the house with a smile on her face or invite them to do things with her. But as Natsu found herself clinging to their mother, Shoyou was taking a careful step back because the fall seemed inevitable and he didn’t want to get hurt.

Sometimes he let himself get swept up in the emotions of being with his mother. She smiled so brightly and seemed so happy at times that it was difficult not to.

But be it weeks or months, eventually he’d come home and the house would be dark and quiet and he’d just know that he wouldn’t see his mother for a while.

During those times he helped his father however he could. He learned to cook so he could feed Natsu when their father had to work late, he made sure they both took baths, he got Natsu to bed on time when he had to and, on rare occasion, got her to daycare in the mornings, all while pretending not to see the sad smiles adults would give him.

It was fine, he was used to helping out his father, and he loved Natsu, she was fun to take care of even if she could be bratty sometimes. His father had taught him that you take care of the people that you love, especially when they need you the most.

* * *

When Shoyou was ten, his father collapsed in the kitchen while making dinner. He waved off Shoyou’s concerns saying he was just tired, and that everything was fine.

* * *

His bicycle was the best gift he had ever gotten.

It was a way to rid himself of all his excess energy. It was freedom.

It was the thing that drove him to his future.

He was riding his bike through town when he passed the big electronics store, the one that had televisions facing the road that usually played the news or local sports. Usually Shoyou walked or biked right by the shop without giving it a second look, but this time something caught his eye. A bright orange court, a flash of black, someone flying.

He squeezed the brakes on his handlebars and dug his heels into the ground trying to stop the bike as fast as possible so he could see what they were watching on the television.

The people on tv were playing volleyball. He had played volleyball in gym class before but it wasn’t anything like what he was watching on the television. The announcers spoke about Karasuno and an older man who was standing beside him mentioned that Karasuno was about half an hour away from here. Shoyou looked in a random direction with stars in his eyes, amazed that such talented people lived so close to him.

Then he saw it again. Another flash of black. One of the players was much smaller than the others. They called him the Little Giant and he managed to get past players who were much taller than him. Nothing seemed to stand in his way. It was breathtaking. Shoyou watched him with wide sparkling eyes, mouth slightly ajar.

He wanted to do that too.

He wanted to fly just like that.

* * *

Yukigaoka Junior High didn’t have a boy’s volleyball team and for a second he felt his entire life crash around him. He shook those thoughts from his head, just because there wasn’t a team now didn’t mean he couldn’t make one.

The faculty advisor asked him if he wanted to join the girls team and for a moment he even considered it, he really wanted to play volleyball, he wanted to fly just like the Little Giant did, but he declined the offer. It would be a bit humiliating to play alongside the girls, and who knows if they would actually let him play.

No, he would just have to make a team himself.

By the end of the week Shoyou was positive that he had spoken to every boy who attended Yukigaoka Junior High, whether they belonged to a club or not, to ask them if they wanted to join the volleyball club. None of them said yes. Not even one of them. A few of them said they would think about it, or pretended to be interested to seem polite, but when it came down to it, he didn’t recruit any new members.

He did make some friends, notably Izumi and Kouji. They were already part of sports clubs and didn’t have time for the volleyball club, but after Shoyou had asked they had stuck around and chatted with him instead of trying to get away as fast as possible like many of the others had done.

They were fun to talk to. Shoyou didn’t have a lot of friends in elementary school, but back then he didn’t have a lot of time to play after school and he tried to be home when he could to make sure everything was okay. This year though, his father told him he should stay out more, and he had his new bike so he was free to travel where he wanted.

He was older, more responsible, he could make friends and make plans with them and stay out late playing with them if he wanted to.

It was kind of thrilling, being able to do what he wanted without worrying.

After school he occupied a corner of the school gymnasium with a single volleyball and tried to practice by himself. It was difficult because volleyball was a team sport but he could try and mimic what the girls were doing across the room or he could hit the ball across the room, or he could practice jumping like he saw the Little Giant do on television.

When he couldn’t use the gym he would try and use the sports grounds, the field or the track, anywhere open enough. But those places were often occupied too by their own sports teams. Sometimes when he was down he would stand and watch Izumi and Kouji with their teams and wish that he had one of his own.

If all else failed, and it failed more often than he would like to admit, he would practice in the school hallways or he’d hit the ball against the side of the school. He became a master of improvisation. If he could learn anything from this it would be that Hinata Shoyou did not give up. He reminded himself that often. Don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.

Hard work was sure to be rewarded.

So he worked harder than anyone else. He begged for his friends to toss to him when they could, even if they barely knew what that meant and had terrible form. Shoyou knew that he could hit whatever they threw at him. What was the point of practicing otherwise?

Izumi humored him more than Kouji did. He would stay late after his own practice and toss to Shoyou, or try and bump the ball back and forth with him. He wasn’t very good at it but they laughed together and talked about whatever came to mind. It was nice to have a friend.

* * *

He was fourteen the first time he kissed Izumi.

Izumi took a step back and covered his mouth, eyes wide, “Shoyou?” he asked.

Shoyou turned a bright red, “I’m sorry!” he practically yelled, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry. Please keep being my friend.”

“It’s okay,” he waved his hands around frantically, “I was just surprised. It was. Nice?”

“Nice?” he squeaked out.

The two of them looked at each other and blushed. Over the past year they had gotten closer but Shoyou had surprised even himself with that kiss. They had been standing so close and it seemed right at the time. Maybe it was right, since Izumi said it was nice. But they were both boys and that had to mean something.

Izumi shoved his shoulder, “Steam is going to come out of your ears,” he joked.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

His brain was on overdrive, Izumi was right. Shoyou liked him, but he also kind of liked the class president, she was really cute and blushed when she talked to any of the boys. Maybe this is what having a best friend felt like and he didn’t understand it, he knew enough to know that he wasn’t the smartest person in class.

Izumi leaned down and kissed him. It was a quick peck before they broke apart.

“I. What?” Shoyou said eloquently.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Shoyou scrubbed his face with his hands, “I don’t know! I’m confused.”

Izumi looked at his feet and kicked at the ground lightly, “I don’t want to, like, date or anything, we’re not that old and I have basketball... But we can probably kiss sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Shoyou said, amazed, “That sounds good.”

* * *

Fourteen was a weird year.

Between trading quick and chaste kisses with Izumi and trying to recruit anyone to his volleyball team, his father collapsed again.

This time he couldn’t write it off as exhaustion. For months now their household had been running fairly smoothly. No depressive episodes, no out of control tantrums, nothing out of the ordinary other than his father collapsing in the hallway between one step and the next.

Shoyou wasn’t told what he had, just that he was sick. He overheard his parents arguing and apparently if he had gone to the doctor when he collapsed the first time he wouldn’t be dying. They blamed each other for his illness, then cried and apologized for pointing fingers. Shoyou covered his head with his pillow and wished that he didn’t have to hear any of it.

When he went back to school the next day he tried to kiss Izumi but his eyes welled up with tears and his friend didn’t want to kiss him while he was a sobbing mess. Shoyou didn’t tell him that his father was sick, he just wiped away the tears and refocused on volleyball. Hard work will be rewarded, he told himself.

It was only a few months before his father was hospitalized and Shoyou knew he had to prepare for the worst. His father was looking paler and thinner and doctors didn’t sound happy when they talked to them. Shoyou knew his father was going to die, it was likely his mother would fall into a depression afterwards, but at least if he had to take care of Natsu for a bit she was no longer a newborn baby but an annoying eight years old. She could practically take care of herself.

Before his father passed, Shoyou visited him in the hospital. He looked small and unhealthy, so unlike himself. Shoyou almost wished he didn’t go so he could have kept this out of his memory.

But his father shakily reached out and took his hand, “Shoyou,” he said, he barely even sounded like himself he was so weak, “Keep fighting for what you want. You’re strong. Always keep going.” His father looked down to the volleyball Shoyou was holding between his ankles and he had an overwhelming urge to kick it away, “You’re smaller than the average player, don’t let people tell you what you can’t do. Forge your own path.”

Shoyou gave him a watery smile, “Don’t talk like you’re never going to see me again.”

Days later, he passed in his sleep.

Days later, he broke things off with Izumi, they never dated but it still hurt.

He had other things to focus on.

* * *

Shoyou had expected his mother to fall into a depression after his father died. He had prepared for it even, figuring out when he’d have to wake up to get her ready for school, deciding what he could cook for them. He was pleasantly surprised when it didn’t happen.

His mother was sad, of course, she had just lost her husband, but she remained upright and functional. She managed the family that stopped by to share their condolences, she kept them fed and loved. Shoyou was kind of amazed but also extremely grateful. He was only fourteen, he shouldn’t have to have contingency plans like that. He loved Natsu but he wasn’t her parent.

His mother smiled at him when she could, it was tight and sad but he appreciated the effort. He hugged her a lot, a lot more than he had in the past few years. They lived in the same house, but he had missed her.

Shoyou cried a lot over the loss of his father, until his face was red and puffy and his throat sore, but he also cried over potentially getting his mother back.

* * *

It was months after his father passed when Shoyou realized that he never got to ask him if it was okay if he liked boys too. He wondered if his father would have been okay with it.

* * *

During his last year at Yukigaoka Junior High something amazing happened, three people joined his volleyball club. It wasn’t a full team but it was a start. They could actually practice together, Shoyou didn’t have to be on his own anymore. He was thrilled.

More people meant he had a bigger claim to the gym. They weren’t a full team so they couldn’t use the entire court or practice as much as the girls did, but they didn’t have to sneak around to use the net, simply wait for the girls to be done with it. The four of them weren’t very good, but they were just learning how to work together.

Shoyou didn’t know how to be a leader but he wore the number one jersey and captain’s mark with pride. The younger boys looked up to him and his athletic abilities. He wished that he could show them off in a tournament at least once before he graduated junior high but they still didn’t have enough members for a full team so he had to accept what he had.

Until he was having lunch with Izumi and Kouji and had a brilliant idea.

“Play volleyball with me!” he yelled suddenly.

They gave him a surprised look, “We’ve been over this, Sho-chan,” Izumi said, “You know we already play other sports.”

Shoyou slammed his hands on the table, “The last volleyball tournament of the year happens after your clubs have ended,” he clapped his hands together to plead for their help, “please join my team so we can play. Please!”

His two friends exchanged looks, “Okay…”

“Yes!”

* * *

If hard work paid off then they would have been able to stand on the court for more than thirty minutes.

Shoyou vowed to redouble his efforts. He vowed to beat Kageyama Tobio.

* * *

With his junior high days coming to an end, his teachers and classmates became focused on where everyone would go to high school. The question was a no brainer for Shoyou, he was going to go to Karasuno and play on the same court that the Little Giant used to play on. Shoyou got stars in his eyes whenever he thought about Karasuno.

When he told his mother his plan to enroll in Karasuno, she frowned at him.

“That’s so far away,” she said to him, “I can’t take you there every morning.”

Shoyou never planned on her driving him to school, “I’ll ride my bike there! It’s part of my training. It’s only a forty minute bike ride so it’s not too bad,” he beamed up at her, hoping his positive attitude would win her over.

She tapped her chin like she was considering it, “What about when it rains or snows?”

“I can still bike in the rain,” he insisted, “and I can dress for the weather. I can jog in the snow. It’ll be like endurance training.”

“I don’t know, Shoyou, don’t you want to look at closer schools?”

He took her hands and looked up at her earnestly, “I want to play volleyball with Karasuno.”

She sighed, “You’re just like your father, once you set your mind on something there’s no changing it. Fine, you can take Karasuno’s entrance exam. But remember, if you go there you’re going to have to get up extra early to get to school on time.”

He paled. He had forgotten about entrance exams.

* * *

His first day at Karasuno was wonderful and terrible at the same time. It constantly oscillated back and forth between the two extremes all day.

Wonderful because he had made it to the school of his dreams. Terrible because one of the first things he did was run into Kageyama Tobio. Wonderful because he’d have an amazing teammate to play alongside, terrible because Kageyama had no interest in being his teammate. And that was only the first few minutes.

Despite being a highschooler now Shoyou still felt like he belonged on the junior high campus. Part of it had to do with his height, which he usually didn’t let get to him, he was well aware that he could be great despite his height, but another part of it was that everyone looked a lot more mature than he felt. He was only fifteen but boys and girls alike seemed light years ahead of him-- muscles and beards and intelligence and experience.

“Do you feel as lost as I do?” he heard someone ask lightly from beside him.

He swiveled his head towards her, ready to deny anything, but he was immediately hit with how pretty she was. She had long curly hair that fell past her shoulders and warm brown eyes, “Um,” he said eloquently.

She giggled, “Everyone here is so big,” her eyes widened a bit, “Not that I’m calling you small, I just figured you were also a first year so maybe just as lost as me. I’m Hanamori Yuki, you can call me Hana, sorry,” she bowed deeply.

The more she babbled the bigger his grin got, “I’m Hinata Shoyou from class one,” he said, trying not to laugh, “And you’re right! Everyone looks so old!”

“Hana and Hina,” she laughed, “I’m in class one also so I’m glad I met you!” her eyes went wide and shiny, “That’s it, they look much older than I thought they would. Is high school going to make me look old? Should I get a better skincare routine?”

Shoyou laughed with her, “I hope I get to look older soon.”

* * *

Shoyou was kicked out of the volleyball club before he could even officially join it and it was all Kageyama’s fault. Of course, Kageyama thought that it was all his fault and told him so, loudly and often. He grit his teeth as Kageyama berated him, they needed to work together if they wanted to get back on the team.

It was getting dark and Shoyou still had a forty minute bike ride home but getting Kageyama on his side was much more important. His mother would understand if he got home late and he worried if he took out his phone to send her a text that Kageyama would yell at him more for not paying attention to his previous yelling.

Tanaka told them that they could practice in the gym at 5 a.m. before morning practice usually started at seven. Shoyou internally sighed at how early he would have to wake up to get to Karasuno at five, but he was simultaneously pumped up at the thought of practicing in a real gym.

The bike ride home took less time than his ride to school that morning because there were more downhills on his way home. When he walked in the door his mother was waiting for him.

“Where were you? It’s late,” she tried to scold him but she only sounded worried.

He smiled at her, “I was at volleyball practice, I’m going to leave early in the morning too.” He didn’t tell her that he was going to wake up around 3:30 a.m. so he could leave by 4 a.m. and get to school by 5 a.m., she would just worry more if she knew.

She frowned at him, “Don’t overwork yourself, the year is still young.”

“I won’t,” he beamed, “I promise.”

* * *

Waking up before the sun was up was difficult. His body dragged and his mind was sluggish, even getting dressed proved to be a difficult talk so early in the morning, but the idea of practicing with Kageyama in a real gym with a real setter helped wake him up and get him hyped.

He managed to get himself dressed, make breakfast, and sneak out of the house without waking anyone up. He felt almost guilty doing it, but his mother knew that he chose Karasuno to play volleyball and that he was going to try his hardest to make it on the team, and if that meant waking up impossibly early to bike across a mountain, then that’s exactly what he was going to do.

Both Tanaka and Sugawara joined them for their super early morning practice, but it didn’t help Kageyama warm up to him. Shoyou tried to be thankful that he had a real setter and a real net but with the way Kageyama was acting he might as well not have those things at all. Kageyama outright refused to toss to him, calling him slow and useless.

Shoyou grit his teeth and tried not to take the insults to heart so he asked Kageyama if he would toss to him if he could receive the ball to his satisfaction. It meant that he would have to practice with Kageyama more but he knew that he could use the extra practice.

By the time he got to his classroom he was exhausted. He had been awake for hours and doing intense physical activity for most of it.

“Tired?” Hana asked sympathetically.

He picked his head up from his desk, “I’ve been up for hours,” he groaned.

She patted his shoulder sympathetically, “Just try not to fall asleep in class.”

He didn’t fall asleep, but he didn’t pay attention either.

* * *

Shoyou was frustrated that they had to practice outside. He just got a taste of practicing in a real gym and now he was back to playing wherever he could. He felt like it shouldn’t bother him that much, he was used to bumping the ball in tight corridors by himself, so practicing receives in the park with someone else was definitely a step up.

The fact that he was having difficulty cleanly receiving the ball just added to his frustration. Kageyama slammed the ball towards him and Shoyou could easily get behind it but more often than not the ball veered off course rather than straight back. Placing his arms correctly was more difficult than he thought.

“One more,” he called out. Over and over. One more, one more. He’d work harder and harder than anyone else if he had to.

Kageyama scowled and smirked at him with each call and hit the ball towards him again and again. Shoyou hoped that it was a love of volleyball and a desire to see him succeed and not some weird sadism that kept him there. Either way, he tried to receive the ball again and again until his arms burned.

He was about to call out for another shot when he heard a taunting voice, “Well what do we have here?” a tall, smug looking guy asked, “You’re really practicing outside. Amazing.” He laughed but it didn’t seem genuine.

The tall guy only seemed interested in Kageyama; Shoyou was tired of being brushed off in favor of his future teammate. Even if he was some great player, he was going to be great too, there was no reason to discount him.

Tall guy revealed that he and his friend, who Shoyou almost didn’t notice because all he did was laugh quietly in the background, were the other first years that they were going to play against. Both of them were so much taller than him, he wondered if they were any good, if his confidence was backed up by anything. Tall guy tossed their ball in the air-- when did they get that?-- and smiled at them. He was pretty but Shoyou kind of hated him at that moment.

He kept talking to Kageyama and acting like Shoyou wasn’t there, so he did what he did best. He jumped in. Literally.

“I’m here too!” Shoyou yelled at everyone and no one, frustrated that he was being ignored. He grabbed the ball from above the tall guy’s head and watched with pride as his eyes widened and quickly lowered.

Tall guy stared at him and Shoyou withered under his gaze, “You wanna go?” he asked, jumping into a fighting stance and bouncing from foot to foot. He’d fight him if he had to but he really didn’t want to get on the bad side of yet another teammate. Behind him, tall guy’s friend snickered and Shoyou wondered what was so funny.

He sneered at him, “C’mon Yamaguchi, the shrimp isn’t worth our time.”

Shoyou bristled at being called shrimp.

The one apparently called Yamaguchi looked around at all of them, “Okay, Tsukki,” he called after a moment.

Shoyou watched them leave. ‘Tsukki’ was a jerk.

* * *

He was kind of pretty though, Shoyou thought on his bike ride home, too bad about his attitude.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some tags have been added for later in the fic and tags will be updated as the story moves along. Also expect the rating to bump up in later chapters.

His name was Tsukishima and he wasn’t just a jerk, he was also an asshole. His first move, before they even started their 3-on-3 match, was to loudly ask about crushing them to try and rile them up-- and it worked. His friend, Yamaguchi, seemed to have a bit more shame at least.

The match was a bit of a disaster at first. Tsukishima easily blocked him again and again and his dumb smirk was infuriating to look at. Shoyou kept telling himself that he was just one person and eventually he would get past him.

One of the worst things was that Tsukishima barely registered him as a challenge. He blocked his spikes then focused his energy on taunting Kageyama about his past. But the past didn’t matter, what mattered was the here and now on this court. There was no way Tsukishima could beat him if he wasn’t focused on the game. It was like he wasn’t even trying!

Tsukishima’s baiting seemed to get under Kageyama’s skin so Shoyou stopped and yelled at him. His past didn’t matter, he was there now and he was going to try and hit everything Kageyama could toss at him. And hopefully Kageyama would toss at him lots.

Shoyou definitely felt like he was correct in thinking that Tsukishima was an asshole when he couldn’t let him and Kageyama finally have their bonding moment. He had to butt in and insult him and his height and his skills. Shoyou knew all of these things but it was frustrating to hear. He took a deep breath and started talking about the Little Giant and working hard.

For some reason that really seemed to bother Tsukishima.

Kageyama stepped in and they planned to try out a quick attack. Shoyou was thrilled that he wanted to work with him. They tried and failed again and again until Sugawara stepped in and asked Kageyama to adjust something; Shoyou didn’t really understand.

But he didn’t have to understand because next time he closed his eyes, took a leap of faith, and succeeded. He only wished he could have seen the look on Tsukishima’s face at the exact second the ball got past him.

After the match Shoyou approached Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and held out his hand.

“What’s this?” Tsukishima asked condescendingly, literally looking down on him. Shoyou pretended it didn’t bother him.

“We’re supposed to shake hands before and after a match,” he held out his hand more forcefully.

“No, thanks,” Tsukishima tried to blow him off.

Shoyou growled at him, annoyed, “We need to or else the captain will kick us out for not showing teamwork!”

“No,” he sighed, “you just didn’t listen to him.”

Tsukishima looked like he was expecting Shoyou to give up, but he didn’t know him at all. Shoyou tackled him to try and grab his hand. Tsukishima jumped back, completely taken aback at his brazenness. Shoyou grabbed and pulled at his shirt and arm to try and get at his hand to shake but Tsukishima kept pulling away, raising his hand high so Shoyou couldn’t reach.

Shoyou practically climbed his side to reach and he felt Tsukishima freeze underneath him. Whatever the reason, he managed to shake his hand.

* * *

Between waking up at 5 a.m. everyday and constantly practicing volleyball now that he was officially on the team, Shoyou was exhausted-- and to compensate he did most of his resting during class time. The downside, he found out, of spending all of class practically asleep and then rushing through your homework so you could play more volleyball, was that you didn’t actually learn anything and your grades tanked.

But he wasn’t really willing to change anything about his daily routine. If he didn’t wake up so early then he wouldn’t get to school early enough to compete with Kageyama over who got to morning practice first, and he wouldn’t have extra time to practice with him. And if he didn’t leave the school so late then he was missing out on team bonding and important practice. By the time he got home he was too tired to study and often fell asleep.

There just wasn’t any time for studying.

Sometimes he considered asking Kageyama when he found time for studying, but he would probably just yell at him for being an idiot, and he didn’t want to trouble his upperclassmen with something so trivial. Tsukishima was out of the question too because he would definitely say something mean, and Yamaguchi was his best friend so that disqualified him as well.

Shoyou rested his forehead on his desk and groaned.

“Are you okay?” Hana asked.

He turned his head so his cheek was squished against the desk instead, “I don’t have time to study and I’m going to fail and then they’ll kick me off the volleyball team.”

She tapped her chin, “Well if you get kicked off the team then you should have plenty of time to study.”

He shot up in his seat, “Don’t even joke about something like that!”

Hana laughed at his sudden spike in energy levels, “Why not find someone to tutor you? Then you have a definite study time. Having time put aside just for classwork always helps me.”

“Can you help me?” he asked with stars in his eyes.

She waved both of her arms nervously, “Oh, no, I’m not a good student, I’d be a worse teacher. You should find someone else.”

* * *

Shoyou stared at his test results.

He never found someone to tutor him, he was too busy, but he didn’t expect things would end this poorly. At the top of his paper, “2” stared him down. Underlined twice in bright red ink.

He was definitely going to get kicked off the volleyball team. Karasuno High School was going to kick him out. His mother was going to kick him out. He clenched the paper in his fists, nearly ripping through it. He needed to do something before that happened.

“Hinata,” Hana whispered, “Do you know the staircase we’re not supposed to go up? It leads to the roof. If you force the door you can get up there, I heard some upperclassmen talking about it. You look like you could use some air.”

Shoyou nodded.

As soon as the class broke for lunch, he bolted. He vaguely knew the staircase she was talking about but luckily it was easy to find due to the sheer lack of foot traffic, it was the only set of stairs no one was going up or down. He quickly looked around and made a run for it, hoping no one would see him try and get somewhere he shouldn’t be.

The door at the top of the stairs was easy to open, easier than he expected, but it didn’t look like anyone else was on the roof with him.

The roof was lined with a high fence so no one could fall off and it looked sturdy enough that he didn’t mind leaning against it. It was a better choice than sitting on the ground which was covered in loose gravel and cigarette butts. He was pretty sure that there was a condom or two lying around but he tried not to look at them.

He leaned against the chain link fence-- he was right, it supported his weight just fine--, looked at the sky, and sighed. He needed to do better. His hard work couldn’t pay off if he didn’t have a team to play on. He didn’t want to let his father down because he didn’t know how to study.

The door to the roof opened and slammed close. Shoyou was surprised to see Tsukishima lean against the door and sag. He always looked so put together. It was the first time Shoyou had ever seen him without impeccable posture. It was weird.

“Rough morning?” he called out to teammate, both to let him know that he was here and to potentially offer some help. Maybe they could start heading towards something like friendship. Maybe.

Tsukishima startled at the sound of his voice and Shoyou almost felt bad. He watched him curiously, Tsukishima wasn’t acting like himself.

“What are you doing up here?” he asked, deflecting the attention off himself.

Shoyou held up his failure of a math test, “I got a 2 on my last math quiz. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my mom,” he tried to keep the whine out of his voice. There was no showing weakness in front of Tsukishima, “Math is so hard.” He pushed off of the fence and began to pace, suddenly full of nervous energy.

Tsukishima plucked the paper from his hands and barely glanced at it before scoffing, “You failed this? This is basic math? Is there anything in your head besides volleyball?”

He tried to grab his test back but Tsukishima pulled it away in an infuriating game of keepaway, “Give that back! Shut up Meanie-shima!” he practically snarled, “If you’re so smart show me how to do it.”

“What did you call me?” he asked, taken aback.

Shoyou was surprised, his best friend called him by a nickname, it wasn’t that weird. He stuck out his tongue immaturely, “Meanie-shima, Meanie-shima,” he chanted before realizing that maybe Tsukishima would be willing to help him, “please show me how to do this!”

Tsukishima laughed, it was a mean laugh but it almost sounded genuine, “You’re calling me mean and asking for help in the same breath? You really are an idiot.” He looked at the quiz again, “Didn’t you learn this like two years ago?”

Shoyou scrunched up his nose and made a face at him, “Maybe! But I don’t remember.”

“Fine,” Tsukishima said suddenly, “I’ll show you how to do elementary school level math but you’re going to owe me a favor.”

“Fine!” Shoyou put out his hand to shake on it but Tsukishima ignored him. He should have expected it.

Shoyou watched as Tsukishima looked around the roof with a disgusted look on his face. He was surprisingly expressive for someone Shoyou was used to being stony faced and bored during practice. Eventually he found a cleanish looking spot and sat down.

Shoyou sat down next to him and leaned on his arm to get a better look at his test. As Tsukishima began explaining what he had done wrong-- not without a few snide comments and mean remarks-- Shoyou couldn’t help but think that maybe his attitude wasn’t as bad as he previously thought.

* * *

The rain made a lot of the team sluggish. Most of them were outdoor creatures at heart, as much as they spent their time in the gym. Rain meant they couldn’t do any of their exercising outside, rain meant Shoyou had to worry about his bike ride home later. He hoped it cleared up before practice ended.

He turned around and leaned heavily on his club room locker, he was supposed to be changing but he was still thinking about all the water sliding down some of the bigger hills he’d have to bike down and he was trying to psyche himself up for later. Maybe going through volleyball practice would help get his energy levels up.

Across the room he saw Tsukishima start to lift his shirt over his head when something caught his eye, purplish marks along his sides.

Shoyou was touching them before he could register that it was a bad idea, “Wow, what are those?” He felt Tsukishima freeze under his touch before jerking away and pulling his shirt all the way off. Then something amazing happened, Tsukishima blushed. “Did something happen?” Shoyou asked innocently. He was still processing that someone like Tsukishima could blush.

Tsukishima looked like he couldn’t react, his hands balled into tight fists around his shirt but he made no move to speak. It was weird, so unlike the person who always had a biting reply ready.

Yamaguchi stepped forward and put a hand on Shoyou’s shoulder, practically pushing him away, “They’re stretch marks, sometimes when your body grows too quickly your skin can’t keep up,” he whispered. Something tickled in the back of Shoyou’s mind.

“Nothing you’ll ever have to worry about,” Tsukishima scoffed, and back was the guy Shoyou knew him to be. The lapse was weird.

“I can still grow,” he grumbled just as he noticed matching marks on Tsukishima’s shoulders, “Do they hurt?” he asked without thinking. Then it clicked in his mind, he remembered having this conversation with his mother years ago.

Tsukishima put on his shirt and started undoing his belt so he could finish getting changed, “Growing hurts,” he said harshly, “these don’t hurt. They don’t look nice but they don’t hurt. Now leave me alone so I can get changed.”

Shoyou reached out like he was going to touch Tsukishima again, an impulse even he didn’t understand, but pulled back. Instead he smiled up at him. He could remember his mother being uncomfortable when she was pregnant, and while he knew that Tsukishima wasn’t pregnant, maybe he was equally as uncomfortable for some reason.

“I think they look cool,” he said as he turned back to his own locker.

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Tsukishima scoffed.

Shoyou laughed.

* * *

“How’s school going?” his mother asked when he got home, a warm smile on her face.

He took off his shoes and hesitated before answering, his failed math test still front and center in his mind, “Better,” he smiled back at her, “One of my teammates helped me with some of my math work so I think I’m getting it.”

“That’s good,” she clapped her hands together lightly, “Which teammate?”

“Tsukishima. He’s the tallest guy on the team and in class four,” he threw his hands in the air exasperated, “some guys have everything!”

She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Now, Shoyou, you know that’s not true. I’m sure there are things you have that he would love to have.”

Shoyou doubted it.

* * *

Shoyou was jealous of how cool everyone thought Kageyama was. He was so cool that Aoba Johsai, a powerhouse school in their prefecture, wanted to have a match with them only if Kageyama was playing. One day, he thought, someone was going to make the same kind of demand of him.

His jealousy was washed away when he found out that he was going to be one of the starting players and, oddly enough, he was going to be a middle blocker alongside Tsukishima. Tsukishima made sense for the role, he was the tallest player on the team. He was just put there to be a decoy, which was the lamest sounding title he could possibly have.

Shoyou slapped his cheeks to shake himself out of his funk. If he wanted a cooler title he’d have to work harder-- from ultimate decoy to ultimate ace, he could do it.

Or maybe not.

On the bus ride over he puked in Tanaka’s lap. His senpai was awfully nonchalant about the whole situation but even emptying his stomach didn’t make the butterflies that had taken up residence there go away. He was going to blow it and get kicked off the team, he had finally, maybe gotten his grades under control but if Kageyama didn’t like him or thought he was useless still he would lose the starting position he just got.

His thoughts were reinforced by Kageyama’s old teammates Kindachi and Kunimi who reminded him what a tyrant he could be. But Hinata tried to remind himself that he had put hours of work into getting better, days of extra training with Kageyama, he had a toss just for him.

He kept flip-flopping between ‘I can do this’ and ‘They’re going to get rid of me’ so they had a disastrous first set where he made mistake after mistake and he spiraled deeper into his own thoughts until his fears culminated into serving the ball directly into the back of Kageyama’s head.

He was faintly aware of Tsukishima and Tanaka laughing at him but he was extremely aware of Kageyama’s looming presence.

But then Kageyama didn’t kick him off the court. And he was able to pull himself together.

Karasuno managed to pull themselves together and do better until Seijou subbed in a player. Oikawa was Kageyama’s senior and made him twitchy for some reason. Shoyou looked between the two of them and came to the conclusion that if Kageyama was the King of the Court then Oikawa was the Grand King.

He also came to the conclusion that Oikawa was kind of pretty, and apparently he had fan girls who agreed with him, but now wasn’t the time to think about that.

Oikawa correctly assessed that they weren’t strong receivers and specifically targeted Tsukishima for his serve. Over and over Tsukishima failed to receive the ball and Shoyou could see him grow tense and anxious, more like the Tsukishima who didn’t want to be touched and less like the aloof one who taunted him during practice.

The Grand King seemed less pretty.

“Target me!” Shoyou called, hoping both to get a chance to try and receive his amazing serve and to give Tsukishima a chance to cool down.

Tsukishima scoffed at him, “I got this.”

And next time he did, and they scored, and the game was over.

He saw Tsukishima rub his eyes as he stiffly walked off the court towards Yamaguchi and Shoyou wondered if he was crying but he couldn’t linger on the thought for too long before he was swept into celebration by Tanaka and Sugawara.

* * *

Shoyou had actually passed a math test.

He grinned widely at the paper. He needed to tell Tsukishima that his rude way of helping actually worked.

After class Shoyou bolted towards class four, quickly waving goodbye to Hana, in hopes that he could catch up to Tsukishima before he got to the club room to change for practice. He was lucky that Tsukishima was so tall and easy to spot in a crowd.

When Shoyou called his name Tsukishima looked over his shoulder, saw who it was, and chose to ignore him. But it didn’t matter because Shoyou was determined to talk to him and even with his much longer legs he was easy to catch up to.

Tsukishima stiffened when Shoyou grabbed his arm and, remembering he had the same reaction when his side was touched, Shoyou considered that maybe his teammate did not like being touched. He held on tighter regardless, he didn’t want him to get away.

Tsukishima did not want to hear what he had to say, but he expected that and pushed through, “Maybe I just wanted to thank you, because of you I got the highest math quiz score I ever had,” he practically yelled.

“Fine, you’re welcome. Let go of me,” he said stiffly.

“So can you keep tutoring me?” He asked eagerly.

Tsukishima tried to free his arm, “No,” he scoffed. But it only took one please for him to give in.

Shoyou practically skipped to the club room, daydreaming about how good his grades could be with Tsukishima’s help. He almost couldn’t imagine a world where he passed every exam, but maybe it was possible.

“Oi, shrimp,” Tsukishima called to him once they were in the club room. Shoyou was too happy to care about being called shrimp, “If you want to be tutored we’re doing it on my schedule. We can meet during lunch on Tuesdays and after practice on Thursdays and that’s it. I won’t entertain any questions outside of business hours.”

That may have been the most words Tsukishima had ever spoken to him directly at once.

He nodded, “Okay, okay. Tuesday and lunch and Thursday after school.”

Tsukishima held his hands awkwardly in front of him, “We can go to my house on Thursdays. There’s no reason to stay here more than necessary.”

“You’re talking about tutoring?” Yamaguchi popped in out of nowhere with Kageyama behind him, “Can we join? It’ll be good team bonding too.”

Yamaguchi was a good person and it was funny to watch the distressed look cross Tsukishima’s face at the thought of bonding with them. Apparently Kageyama also struggled with school, which surprised Shoyou who thought he was smart, and entertained Tsukishima who teased him about it mercilessly.

They agreed that the four of them would meet at lunch on Tuesdays to see who needed help on what. (“Everything,” Shoyou and Kageyama agreed.) But Yamaguchi was busy on Thursdays and couldn’t join them then.

* * *

“Kageyama!” Shoyou yelled one morning after their daily race to the gym, “Don’t study with us on Thursdays.”

Kageyama looked at him oddly, “Whatever. It’s not like I want to go to Tsukishima’s house anyway.”

Shoyou watched him enter the gym first and it didn’t occur to him to be upset that he had lost the race. He was too busy wondering why he had asked that in the first place. Tsukishima was a bit of a mystery to him, and he wanted to figure him out, but he didn’t have to do it alone.

* * *

Following the Aoba Johsai match the Karasuno Volleyball Team underwent a lot of changes. The Guardian Deity returned in the form of the team’s libero, Nishinoya, who was amazingly shorter than him. Nishinoya was extremely energetic and got stars in his eyes when Shoyou called him senpai.

He was a lot of fun to be around and really raised the morale of the team, that effect doubled when Shoyou and Kageyama managed to convince Asahi, Karasuno’s Ace to return to the team. Asahi was big, powerful despite not playing in a while, and shy. He didn’t have the attitude Shoyou thought the ace of a team would have but he was still amazing.

Noya-senpai lit up when Shoyou asked him for help with receiving, he was so touched that for a moment there Shoyou was worried he was going to cry tears of joy. But he pulled through and slapped Shoyou on the back with surprising strength and agreed to help. They made plans to meet in the following few days and Shoyou was psyched to take the next step in his training.

He was surprised to see Tsukishima join them for practice but ecstatic that his stoic teammate cared enough about what happened at Aoba Johsai to seek out help to try and improve. Tsukishima seemed annoyed to be there but Shoyou knew that if he cared enough to ask for help then he must care about volleyball more than he let on, and for some reason that made him happy.

Shoyou drank in everything that Noya said to them but trying to mimic his movements proved harder than he thought it would. Noya was naturally athletic and seemed to instinctively know how to move and that was a difficult thing to teach, but Shoyou hung on every word. Tsukishima seemed less impressed with Noya’s teaching style.

He was even less impressed when Shoyou tried to clarify something Noya said. Rolling his eyes infuriatingly.

After another failed attempt at properly receiving the ball, Shoyou tried to correct something about Tsukishima’s stance, only for him to stiffen under the touch. Shoyou mentally cursed at himself; while the others were open to casually touching, a slap on the back or an arm slung around the shoulders, he already knew that Tsukishima didn’t like being touched, he just needed to remember not to do it.

Tsukishima was weird. Around the team he could be demeaning and antagonistic, he purposefully pushed people’s buttons. He didn’t know how Yamaguchi put up with having a friend like that. But at the same time he could be quiet and withdrawn. He always looked uncomfortable.

It was weird.

“Gods, you are not trying to teach me right now,” Tsukishima said, recovering from being touched and knocking Shoyou from his thoughts.

Shoyou stuck out his tongue immaturely, “Consider it payback for the tutoring.”

Tsukishima stifled a laugh and Shoyou realized that he’d never heard him genuinely laugh before, “I don’t think payback means what you think it does. You mean payment.”

“Payback, payment, same thing!”

“Why are you so loud?” Tsukishima took a few steps back, they were standing rather close still, “Let’s practice.”

Shoyou grinned at him, he liked the Tsukishima who was willingly putting extra effort into volleyball. But then it happened for a second time, Tsukishima blushed lightly—Shoyou swore he wasn’t just flush from exertion, he had made him blush again.

It was cute.

* * *

Going to Tsukishima’s house for the first time was intimidating. He didn’t know what to expect and Tsukishima definitely wasn’t going to tell him, in fact, as soon as they started walking together he had put on his headphones to effectively block out any conversation they could have had. Instead of chattering away Shoyou channeled his nervous energy into fidgeting with the handlebars of his bike.

Tsukishima’s house looked just like all of the others on the block, to the point where if Shoyou had to find it on his own, he wasn’t positive he’d be able to do so. The uniformity was unnerving.

Once inside Tsukishima removed his headphones and shoes but didn’t bother to call out that he was home so Shoyou also forwent the standard greetings. The house was very clean, which he kind of expected, and had almost no personality to it. It was as lifeless as the row of identical houses outside.

Shoyou didn’t know how anyone could live like that.

Tsukishima led him to his bedroom and Shoyou was relieved to see that his bedroom actually looked like someone lived there, with shelves of books and dinosaur figures lining the walls.

“What do you need help on?” Tsukishima asked.

But at the same time Shoyou said, “Can we have something to eat first?” and his stomach growled loudly. Tsukishima scrunched up his nose at him, “Please, Tsukishima, there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate without eating something.”

After a bit more grovelling Tsukishima led him to the kitchen but told Shoyou that he wasn’t going to cook anything for him so he’d have to do it himself. That was fine for Shoyou, he enjoyed cooking and was pretty good at it if his mother and Natsu were to be believed. He silently thanked his father for teaching him.

The only problem was that there wasn’t a lot of food in Tsukishima’s house. Like, at all. His refrigerator and cabinets were stocked but not particularly well so he worried that maybe Tsukishima and his family couldn’t afford for him to stop by and have a snack.

Tsukishima must have sensed his hesitancy, “Use whatever, We haven’t been grocery shopping in a while but everything should be good.”

He sounded stiff, like he did sometimes, but there was no reason not to believe what he said.

Shoyou made something small but he made sure to give a portion of it to Tsukishima who took it wordlessly and headed back to his bedroom. Shoyou wouldn’t have clocked him as someone who allowed people to eat in his bedroom but he followed after so they could eat and study together.

And after that, it became routine.

* * *

Shoyou’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth while he worked through his math worksheet. He could almost hear Tsukishima yelling at him that this was easy and he should be able to do this by now, and for some reason that was helping him do his work. He was halfway through the sheet and he didn’t feel like his brain was going to explode, at least that was something.

“You’ve been taking your school work a lot more seriously lately,” Hana said curiously from beside him.

His pencil paused, “Tsukishima will yell at me if I don’t. And my mom will be upset.”

She looked up like she was thinking, “Which one is Tsukishima again?”

“Tall, blond, glasses, jerk,” Shoyou grit through his teeth as he tried to conquer the stupid math problem while the spirit of his teammate taunted him about what an idiot he was.

“He’s in class four, right? He’s cute,” she said casually, “Is he a good tutor?”

Shoyou paused again and licked his lips nervously, he also thought that Tsukishima was cute but it wasn’t something that he could mention out loud so nonchalantly like that. He bit his tongue until it hurt, “He yells at me a lot.”

She laughed, “Well, if it works.”

* * *

Sometimes Shoyou felt guilty about being home when he could be out playing volleyball or practicing by himself, but anytime he tried to sneak out for some extra practice (on top of the extra practice he already did with Kageyama) his mother gave him a disappointed look and encouraged him to stay in with her. Her disapproval tended to keep him inside, at least for a little while.

He missed spending time with his mother and Natsu, Karasuno had taken up all of his free time and had not satiated his volleyball craze even a little bit and he felt like he was leaving them behind. So he tried, when he could, to stay in with them.

It helped that Natsu was beginning to take an interest in volleyball. He bought her a soft volleyball so they could play together and he could try to teach her the basics, but she didn’t have the patience to learn from him so they often ended up throwing or rolling the ball back and forth, but he found that just as entertaining as she did. Natsu was nine now and Shoyou often found himself blown away by how different she was from the baby he used to help take care of.

Their mother was different too. She smiled more and Shoyou was fairly certain that her smiles were genuine. She worked a job out of the house that had her gone most of the day but she seemed to enjoy it and she was home in time to take care of Natsu, which was all Shoyou really worried about. But she hadn’t fallen into a depression in a while, and he was still always on the lookout for when it was coming next.

In the meantime they cooked dinner together when they could, and Shoyou helped prepare and cook all of the food he would take with him to school the next day. As the weeks went on the amount of food he brought steadily increased-- a second breakfast and a few more snacks to keep him going, but he enjoyed making it and he especially enjoyed the time with his mother.

The kitchen was where they spent most of their time together and did most of their talking. His mother liked to tell him not to overwork himself, to take some time to enjoy high school and make friends and meet girls. He liked to smile and wave her off. He was working hard towards his goal of becoming the ace of Karasuno, overwork wasn’t in his vocabulary.

* * *

Having a real coach was amazing because they could do things like have training camps and arrange practice matches with long fated rivals. Or something. Shoyou was so excited about going to a training camp that he missed some of the finer details.

Training camp may be an exaggeration, it was only a small weekend camp, but Shoyou planned on making the most out of it. Except, he got so caught up in trying to be the best he could be-- and be better than Kageyama-- that during a training exercise turned race he found himself lost. Looking around, he wasn’t even sure what direction he had come from or where he should try to go to get back.

But then something red caught his eye and he realized he wasn’t alone in the middle of nowhere.

Shoyou approached the other boy and tried to talk to him about the game he was playing but the boy ignored him, focusing solely on the game and not Shoyou hovering too close behind him. Not one to be dissuaded, he was used to being ignored by Kageyama and Tsukishima, he tried again, mentioning the volleyball shoes poking out of the boy’s bag as something they had in common.

The boy introduced himself as Kozume Kenma, a year older than Shoyou himself but he didn’t care for hierarchies in sports due to when people were born, so he didn’t expect people to speak respectfully to him. Kenma was interesting. He was obviously quiet and withdrawn, but he had strong opinions about things. He wondered if Kenma and Tsukishima would get along.

Kenma was mysterious. He was a setter, the position Kageyama made it seem like had to be the best, but said he wasn’t that strong, his team was pretty good though. Shoyou got chills thinking about it. He’d like to play against Kenma one day.

* * *

Shoyou listened to Ennoshita talk about how he ran away from volleyball once but regretted it and came back. He found an odd amount of relief in knowing that if he stumbled he could get back up again.

* * *

His spot on the team was made official when he was handed the number 10 jersey. It felt like a dream, mostly because he had that dream multiple times before, but it also felt so much better than anything he could possibly imagine.

Shoyou was annoyed that Kageyama got a lower number than him, he already knew that Kageyama was better than him but having to see the number 9 every match felt a bit like rubbing it in his face. He knew he was only on the court because of him, he didn’t need a reminder. He did take a small amount of joy in being placed higher than Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, but then he felt bad about it; he wasn’t trying to be that kind of person.

A range of expressions must have crossed his face because Daichi put a heavy hand on his shoulder, “You must not recognize it,” he said in a friendly tone, “number 10 is what the Little Giant wore when he went to Nationals.”

Shoyou lit up, he could remember seeing it across his back on that television screen so many years ago. It didn’t matter where the others were placed, this seemed like a victory.

* * *

“Kenma!” he yelled in surprise when he saw the other boy standing with Nekoma, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m on the team,” he mumbled.

Everyone but Nekoma’s captain looked between them confused about how they knew each other, so Shoyou quickly explained that he had run into Kenma the previous day but he hadn’t told him that he was on Nekoma.

Kenma rubbed the back of his neck, “I was wearing Nekoma sweatpants. You didn’t notice,” he looked uncomfortable at the attention but Nekoma’s captain-- Kuroo according to Kenma’s grumbling-- slung an arm around his shoulder and pulled him away saying something about their secret weapon.

Shoyou subtly looked between Kenma and Tsukishima, maybe it was unfair to compare people who were uncomfortable in social situations but they felt a bit similar to him, they had an aura of ‘I don’t want to be here’. But Kenma seemed okay with being touched where Tsukishima still was not.

By the end of the day Shoyou thought that Kenma was amazing. He was smart enough that he could play volleyball with minimal movement, and even after three matches Karasuno couldn’t get a single win off of him.

He tried to shout for one more but was silenced by the rest of his team, when he looked around he could see that they were exhausted but he was pumped, he wanted to keep going.

He left the training camp with Kenma’s contact information and a promise to meet them at Nationals.

* * *

They ran into an Aoba Johsai and Grand King shaped wall. They weren’t going to go to Nationals.

* * *

On the bus after the Aoba Johsai match Shoyou didn’t know how to feel. He had expected to win. Not only that, it was his fault that they had lost. They knew what he was going to do and they blocked his quick attack like it was effortless. Maybe it was.

The bus was quiet, most people had fallen asleep, even Kageyama who was sitting next to him had dozed off, but Shoyou buzzed with anxious energy. He needed to do more if they wanted to get to Nationals, he needed to get better. What could he do to get better? What was he missing?

Ahead of him he saw Asahi get up from his seat next to Tsukishima and switch seats with Yamaguchi. Maybe he should ask the ace for help, he would know better than anyone how to get where Shoyou wanted to go. Maybe he should ask Tsukishima to help him with blocking. What was one more thing to add to the list of things he was already helping him with.

The bus didn’t go straight back to the school like they all expected but pulled into a closed restaurant. Shoyou watched out the window as Coach Ukai knocked on the door, an older woman grumbled as she opened it but saw it was Ukai knocking her face softened. For once Shoyou didn’t want to eat.

She led them to the back of the restaurant where they pushed two tables together and again they collapsed under the weight of their loss.

The woman cooked whatever she deemed fit and soon the restaurant was full of delicious smelling food, piquing his interest a little bit but not a whole lot. As a testament to how upset everyone was, they didn’t make a sound. It was weird, sitting between Kageyama and Tsukishima and there being no fighting or sarcastic remarks.

Coach Ukai stood up after the last plate was placed and they listlessly looked up at him. He told them that they worked hard and he was proud of them. They began to cry. He told them to eat and repair their bodies and grow stronger so next time they could win.

Slowly everyone started reaching for food and filling their plates, letting their tears fall freely as they refilled their empty stomachs. They were hungry-- for food, for victory, for something more, they were hungry.

Shoyou took a moment to look around the table, he had grabbed food from every plate on the table but Tsukishima, red eyed but the only one not crying, had a rather bare plate. He remembered his kitchen cupboards and moved a dumpling to his plate.

Tsukishima looked over, slightly startled. Shoyou nodded back.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : we didnt make it to nationals  
>  **Kenma** : Sorry  
>  **Kenma** : We didn’t either  
>  **Kenma** : Next time, maybe  
>  **Shoyou** : yeah! well get there for sure

> **Kenma** : Do you like video games?  
>  **Shoyou** : yeah! but i dont have a lot of time to play them

* * *

Oddly enough, Shoyou liked going over to Tsukishima’s house. His house was still odd, there was never what Shoyou considered enough food in the house and they were always the only ones there. Shoyou hadn’t really seen a trace of other people living there except one time he pulled out a tomato to cook with and Tsukishima said he didn’t like those, so someone else must have bought it with the intention of using it.

He was so used to them being the only people in the house that he didn’t know how to react to seeing a woman working on a laptop in the kitchen.

She looked up, almost as surprised to see them as they were to see her, “Oh, Kei,” she said airily, “You’re home early. And you brought a friend.”

Shoyou didn’t expect Tsukishima to stiffen up around his mother. He stood up a bit straighter and cradled his fingers in front of him-- a pose he took, Shoyou recognized, when he was uncomfortable and trying to appear polite, “I usually get home at this time, you are home early,” he said monotonously, “This is Hinata, he is my teammate and I’ve been helping him study.”

She smiled at them politely, “Nice to meet you.”

Tsukishima grabbed his arm and tried to drag him out of the room but his mother spoke again, effectively stopping them in their tracks. Shoyou remained quiet, that was the first time Tsukishima had initiated physical contact between the two of them and he had no intentions of getting between him and his mother.

“Kei,” she said with a fake pleasantness, “you’re looking very skinny, have you been eating?”  
The grip on his arm tightened and he could feel Tsukishima lightly tremble, “I’ve always been like this,” emotion seeped into his voice, “and I have been eating. We’re going now.” Tsukishima tugged on his arm lightly and Shoyou let himself be led deeper into the house to Tsukishima’s bedroom.

Tsukishima dropped his arm once they were in his room and he leaned against the door heavily. Shoyou reached out a hand wondering if there was anything he could do but he saw his shoulders rising and falling rhythmically as he took deep breaths to try and calm himself. Shoyou sat at the table and took out his homework, leaving Tsukishima alone to compose himself. It’s probably what he would want.

After a few while Tsukishima joined him at the table and took out his own school work, “What do you need help on?” His voice was shaky but he made eye contact, daring Shoyou to say anything about what happened.

Shoyou was worried but he didn’t know if it was his place to ask, so he asked about the homework instead. He managed to get most of the way through his work when his stomach growled loudly and Tsukishima caught him looking at his bedroom door, daydreaming about his understocked kitchen and whatever he could whip up there.

Tsukishima sighed and pulled a protein bar out of his bag. Shoyou practically shoved the entire thing in his mouth at once.

“So…” he started, unconcerned that he was talking with a full mouth, “why does your mom not know what you look like or if you eat.”

Shoyou watched him ball his hands into fists before placing his palms flat on the table. Tsukishima fidgeted when he was nervous, Shoyou noticed, and he must be aware of it too and trying to stop.

“She’s not around a lot.”

Shoyou swallowed his food and frowned at him, “Who takes care of you?” he asked softly. It was a tone he would take with Natsu when he wanted her to know she wasn’t in trouble.

“I do,” he said stubbornly.

“What?” Shoyou slammed his hands on the table and stood up suddenly, “you have parents and a brother, why are you all alone here? And if you’re all alone you do know how to cook, right? Because you are too skinny,” he didn’t want to agree with his mother, especially one who apparently didn’t have time to make sure he was okay, but she was right about that one thing.

Tsukishima rested his forehead on the table and it was the most defenseless position Shoyou had ever seen him in, “my mother works a lot, Akiteru is at college, and my dad left years ago.”

Shoyou sat down next to him close enough that their arms were pressed together and their knees bumped. He was pleasantly surprised that Tsukishima didn’t flinch away because physical contact was one of the best ways he knew to comfort people, “and food?”

“You don’t need to worry about my health,” he scratched lightly at the table. He was fidgeting again.

Shoyou laid his head on the table so he was looking at Tsukishima, “well too late, I’m worried. Should I feed you? I make lunch for Natsu all the time,” he asked softly. The position felt oddly intimate, not one for loud voices.

“Please don’t,” he groaned.

It was too late though, Shoyou was already planning everything he could bring him.

* * *

Cooking a bit more food was no trouble at all. Getting Tsukishima to accept it was the hard part.

It took a few weeks of trying out different things but eventually they fell into a routine. Shoyou had guessed that Tsukishima wasn’t one to eat breakfast so after morning practice he tried to give him a protein bar. The first day he refused Shoyou assumed it was because he didn’t like that type of protein bar so the next day he tried a different one. And the next day he tried a different one.

After an entire week of trying Shoyou offered him one that had dried strawberries in it, and he saw Tsukishima’s eyes light up. It was only for a split second, but he definitely saw it. And Tsukishima took it, grumbling about how Shoyou was never going to give up. The next day he brought the same kind and he took it again.

It wasn’t too long until he could wordlessly hand one off after practice.

Shoyou also made an extra portion of whatever he made himself for lunch and tried to give it to him during lunch. It was only a small container, he knew that Tsukishima often didn’t finish the lunch he already had, but it was good homemade food.

It was almost the same routine as the protein bar. Tsukishima complained that he didn’t want it or didn’t need it and refused to take it for a whole week, and then gave in to Shoyou’s persistence.

He felt a weird pull in his chest every time Tsukishima ate all of the food he made and handed him back the container with a quiet ‘thank you’.

The others definitely noticed their exchange during lunch, they weren’t subtle about it, but neither Kageyama nor Yamaguchi asked about it while it was happening. Shoyou assumed that Yamaguchi asked Tsukishima what was going on, and he wasn’t that surprised when Kageyama cornered him with a confused expression wondering what was going on.

“Why do you keep giving food to Tsukishima?” he asked right away.

“Hmm,” he shifted his weight from his toes to the balls of his feet and back again, “don’t you think he’ll play better with more muscle? He needs to get bigger for that?” He was probably toeing the line by offering him food, he would definitely be crossing it if he told Kageyama about Tsukishima’s family situation.

Kageyama looked like he was considering what Shoyou said, “Should I offer him food too?”

“No!” he yelled immediately, waving his hands around, “he definitely won’t take it and then he’ll stop taking mine. Just let me do it.”

“Okay,” he nodded like that made total sense.

Shoyou let out a relieved breath.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : tokyo training camp!!  
>  **Kenma** : See you there.  
>  **Kenma** : I’m going to bring my PSP. Do you want to watch me play?  
>  **Shoyou** : Yes!

* * *

The training camp was just what he needed to improve. After their loss to Aoba Johsai Shoyou was burning up inside with a need to be better. He knew there was something he could do to improve, and he vowed to find at least part of it at the training camp.

The only thing standing in his way were exams. Tsukishima stayed true to his word and refused to help him outside of their allotted time on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but Shoyou knew that he was going to need more help. Tsukishima’s help was great, Shoyou had never done better on his homework and quizzes before, but he still had a tendency to let his anxiety get the best of him and mess up on tests.

Which was why Yachi was a godsend.

When she first stepped into the Karasuno gym, shy and unsure of herself, Shoyou hoped that she would become their new manager, and then when he found out that she was in class five he hoped that she would become his salvation and lead him right to the Tokyo training camp. But first she actually had to agree to join them.

Shoyou had a superpower though, he could make friends with almost anyone. He could tell that she was uncomfortable being in the gym surrounded by boys twice her size, so Shoyou thought that he would appear non-threatening. He was apparently so non-threatening that she mistook him for another manager, but it was fine, even if she was frazzled she was talking to him.

After a rousing pep talk and a run through the city to catch Yachi’s mother and show off her newfound determination, Yachi joined their team.

It was only then that he noticed that she was kind of cute, now that he didn’t have to worry about convincing her to join and could actually take a second to look at her. He could tell that Yamaguchi shared in his sentiment, he stole glances towards their new manager when he thought no one was looking, but Kageyama was uninterested in her outside of volleyball and Tsukishima was simply uninterested.

Adding to how cool Yachi was, she agreed to help out him and Kageyama during lunch and occasionally after school to help with their grades. But on Thursdays he waved them off and trailed after Tsukishima who snapped at him about going with his new friends instead.

Shoyou bit back a smile and told him that he wanted to study with him like they usually did. Tsukishima seemed startled that someone would want to spend time with him but he covered up the expression quickly. Shoyou liked the flash of jealousy that Tsukishima showed him, even if he didn’t know why. He wanted to tell Tsukishima that they were friends too but he didn’t think that he would take the news well. Instead, he made him something nice to eat.

All the tutoring didn’t matter because he still managed to fail an exam. He even knew the materials. Hard work didn’t mean anything if one stupid mistake could ruin the entire thing. He was already making plans to bike to Tokyo when Tanaka stepped in with a new plan.

* * *

In Tokyo they lost set after set, match after match, and completed penalty after penalty. As much as he loved volleyball and how sore his muscles felt after a full day of playing, he looked forward to the end of the day when he could sit and talk with Kenma and Inuoka.

When the gym was cleaned up he immediately headed over to where the Nekoma players were congregated. Kenma gave him a small half smile and Inuoka waved eagerly, Shoyou returned the wave in kind and followed them back to the room Nekoma was staying in. No one commented on the fact that he had left with the wrong team.

Once inside Kenma immediately collapsed and pulled out his PSP to start decompressing. Shoyou sat down next to him so their sides were pressed together. Kenma simply looked at him curiously and shifted slightly so he was more comfortable but made no real move to extract himself from Shoyou. The physical contact was nice.

Since they last saw each other the two of them had exchanged texts almost every day. Shoyou mostly knew about what was going on in Nekoma and with Kenma and the same was true in reverse. They had developed a close friendship despite the distance between them and Shoyou had revised his previous assessment, Kenma wasn’t anything like Tsukishima.

Shoyou and Inuoka filled the silence and Kenma occasionally offered his opinion. It was a nice change of pace.

Especially since the next day he got so caught up in the idea that he had to do better, had to get better, had to advance, that he crashed right into Asahi on a ball that absolutely wasn’t meant for him. Any sense of calm he had created the night before was immediately knocked right out of him.

Shoyou was filled with unused energy. He needed to move forward but they wouldn’t let him, Kageyama wouldn’t, Sugawara wouldn’t, Coach Ukai wouldn’t. He needed to get better and he was willing to disrupt the balance of the team to do so, even if that was selfish, because if he got better they would get better as well.

Keep trying, he told himself, keep trying.

* * *

The ball arched right over his head. Shoyou yelled in frustration, “One more!” He got back into position and waited for Yachi to throw the ball so Kageyama could set it.

Yachi threw the ball over her head, Kageyama positioned himself under the ball and perfectly set it for him to spike. The sound of it hitting the floor untouched resonated around the gym.

“Tch, one more!” He got back into position yet again. He had yet to hit a single one and he could tell that Kageyama’s patience was wearing thin. His own patience was too but he was determined to do more.

“Do better!” Kageyama snapped at him. The three of them got back into position and tried it again.

He missed again.

Kageyama rounded on him, “Are you satisfied? You can’t do it. We shouldn’t waste time on it!”

“I’m trying to get better,” he yelled back. He could see Yachi trying to get between them and calm them down, but he needed Kageyama to know how he felt, “I can’t get better if I stay right where I am!”

“Your speed and jumping are much better weapons,” Kageyama said like he didn’t care about what Shoyou could or could not do before he threw a volleyball at him, “Don’t worry about thinking.”

“Argh!” Shoyou threw the volleyball back at him, “I need to have my eyes open! More and more people are going to catch me so I need to have more control!”

“No!” Kageyama yelled back, “You should focus on speed.”

Shoyou threw his hands in the air, “you never listen to me.”

Kageyama threw the volleyball back again but Shoyou dodged it, “because you’re an idiot.”

Shoyou charged at him.

* * *

Apparently getting better meant working without Kageyama for a bit. It was weird at first, he was used to Kageyama being his partner, but it also meant he got to work with Gramps Ukai and everyone who went to his small school.

And then later it meant that he got to do extra practice with Tsukishima in the third gym alongside Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo, and Lev. It was exciting being able to play alongside Bokuto and Akaashi in their 3-on-3 matches, and it was equally exciting to play opposite Tsukishima who always carefully took him in and tried to shut him down.

He could feel himself improving as they played set after set. Bokuto taught him to aim for the blocker’s fingers and then how to do a feint, so he could walk away from this camp with two new moves under his belt, a clear sign that he had improved and his determination hadn’t been for naught.

It was easy to get caught up in Bokuto’s energy and Shoyou often let himself get swept away by his exuberance, but every once in a while he caught Tsukishima studying him. It felt nice being watched-- weird, but nice-- although every time he turned towards Tsukishima and smiled at him, he looked away, pretending he wasn’t looking at all.

He didn’t understand Tsukishima, but that was okay, he thought. One day he would.

They got pulled out of the gym by one of the other team’s managers and the threat of missing dinner. Shoyou ran out without thinking but was only a handful of strides away when he realized that he had forgotten his water bottle in the gym and he didn’t want to be without it the next day during practice, so he turned back around to get it.

He entered the gym just in time to see Akaashi kiss Bokuto on the cheek. Shoyou turned around without being noticed and walked around the corner of the gym so he was out of sight. He placed his hand over his rapidly beating heart, he was happy for them.

He had a lot of feelings swelling up in his stomach and chest that he didn’t understand so he took a deep breath to try and calm them.

Next time he approached the door, he made sure to loudly announce himself.

* * *

“Oi, Shorty!”

Shoyou turned around and saw Kuroo jogging towards him, he looked worried. Shoyou didn’t know Kuroo that well but he would bet that he didn’t often look worried, “Yeah?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, “I said some stuff to Tsukki and he reacted poorly. Does he have anxiety or something? Anyway, I filled his water bottle but he probably isn’t going to want to see me. He’s on a bench over that way,” he pointed, “Bring this to him, will you?”

Kuroo tossed him the bottle and he instinctively caught it, “Uh, yeah,” he glanced in the direction Kuroo pointed out, his stomach filled with dread, “I gotta go.”

He ran.

He ran until he found Tsukishima hunched over on a bench, his head between his knees, trembling slightly. Shoyou didn’t know what was wrong or how to help. He didn’t think to ask Kuroo what he had said to set this off so he could maybe fix it. Shoyou sat down next to him.

“Tsukki?” he said hesitantly before correcting himself, “Tsukishima?”

He didn’t respond. And it wasn’t like Tsukishima was ignoring him because he left you know when he was ignoring you. He didn’t hear Shoyou speak at all, and it wasn’t because his hands were covering his ears.

“Okay,” he said out loud to himself, “I’ll just wait. Okay? When my mother gets upset sometimes all we can do is wait for it to end. But sometimes I rub her back, so I’m going to touch you, okay?”

He paused and waited for Tsukishima to answer. When he didn’t he lightly reached out and started rubbing small circles on his back. He didn’t react to being touched either.

“Now you’re making me worry,” he frowned, “you didn’t flinch at all. But it’s okay, we can sit here for a bit until you calm down. Everything is okay, Tsukishima, everything is okay.”

He was worried though, because if Tsukishima was unresponsive maybe he should get an adult to help. He wanted to try one more thing first. The water bottle was cold and maybe it would be a good shock to his system. Shoyou said a silent prayer, hoping it wouldn’t make things worse, and pressed the water bottle against Tsukishima’s arm.

He lifted his head, “Aki?” he said, sounding far away.

Shoyou let out a breath, he was extremely relieved that Tsukishima spoke, “Are you okay?” I was looking for you and ran into Kuroo and he gave me your water bottle and told me where to find you.” Tsukishima stared blankly at him so he kept babbling, “You look really pale. Paler than usual. I saw you eat earlier so it’s not that.”

“How long have you been here?” Tsukishima blurted out, cutting off his rambling.

Shoyou brought a finger to his lips to think and Tsukishima followed the movement, which was probably good, he was coming back to himself, “a few minutes maybe? I tried talking to you when I got here but you didn’t respond so I rubbed your back and that calmed you down a bit but you didn’t snap out of it until the cold bottle touched you.”

Tsukishima was slow to react, “you touched me and I didn’t notice?”

He nodded, “You were really out of it. What happened?” There was so much about Tsukishima he didn’t know, and everytime he found out more he really found out that there were more mysteries. He wanted to know him.

“Kuroo ran his mouth,” he mumbled, “when I get too stressed I shut down.”

“What did he say to stress you out so much?” he asked without thinking but after a few seconds, “Wait. You don’t need to answer that. It might get you stressed again.”

Tsukishima took a few sips from his water bottle, “Let’s go back. I’m exhausted.”

On the walk back Shoyou watched him carefully, and Tsukishima let him do it without a word. He silently promised that if it happened again he’d be there to help.

* * *

“So,” Hana said cheerfully, sitting herself on Shoyou’s desk, “You have another tournament coming up?”

Shoyou nodded his head almost violently, “Yes! And this time we’re going to win!”

She laughed and they smiled at each other, “If that’s true maybe I’ll come cheer you on.”

“Yeah!” he stood up, almost knocking her off the desk, “Come cheer for us! Other schools have a lot of people rooting for them but our cheer section is small.”

“I’ll go just to give you some extra luck,” she hopped off his desk, “text me the details and I’ll clear my busy schedule.”

Shoyou grinned at her, Hana had been his friend since the first day of school and she had yet to see him play volleyball, he was looking forward to surprising her.

* * *

Hard work, determination, and the drive to never give up pays off.

He knows because Tsukishima managed to block Ushijima’s spike.

He knows because he managed to score the final point of the game despite exhaustion and fatigue setting in.

He knows because against all odds they managed to beat Shiratorizawa.

* * *

Later that night, he laid in bed mentally going through the game rally by rally; when he got to Tsukishima’s block, and the celebrating he did afterwards, it was the first time Shoyou ever thought he was beautiful.


	3. Chapter 3

Natsu jumped on his bed, yelling good morning and jarring him out of sleep. Shoyou sat up and rubbed his eyes, he was usually up much earlier than she was but the Shiratorizawa game had taken more out of him than he thought. Natsu sat cross legged on his bed and grinned at him.

“Good morning, Sho-nii!” she rocked back and forth, full of energy, “Are you awake yet?”

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, “Morning. Where’s mom?”

Natsu frowned at him, “She’s still sleeping but I made myself breakfast and then got you up so you could eat with me!” she said proudly.

Shoyou immediately jumped out of bed as dread filled his stomach, it had been a while since their mother didn’t get out of bed so he had to make sure that she was okay, “Good job making breakfast,” he said distracted as he quickly put on pants, “Can you go to the kitchen and I’ll be there in a minute? I’m going to say good morning to mom first.”

She nodded at him eagerly, “I’ll set the table and we can eat together. I can reach everything now.” She didn’t mention that she needed to use the step stool to reach everything, but she was still proud of herself.

Natsu skipped out of the room and Shoyou followed at a slower pace.

His mother’s door was cracked open which was a good sign, she at least wouldn’t mind if he entered her room to see if she was okay. The room didn’t have the musty smell he associated with her first depression, it hadn’t in years but he still braced himself for it everytime.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

She smiled at him, “I have a cold, I’m fine,” she said right away, trying to assuage his fears. He climbed into her bed and laid across her lap, “I won’t say no to a Shoyou shaped weighted blanket. Thank you.”

She threaded her fingers through his hair. He was still worried.

* * *

> **Kenma** : Congratulations. 
> 
> **Shoyou** : Kenma!!!
> 
> **Shoyou** : we’re going to nationals! 
> 
> **Kenma** : I saw. You played well.
> 
> **Shoyou** : you watched us on tv??
> 
> **Kenma** : Yes.
> 
> **Shoyou** : did you win too?
> 
> **Kenma** : We’re playing next week.

> **Kenma** : Do you have some free time?
> 
> **Shoyou** : a little
> 
> **Shoyou** : why?
> 
> **Kenma** : I’m going to stream a game I’m playing. Do you want to watch?
> 
> **Shoyou** : yeah! 
> 
> **Kenma** : [link]

* * *

“You guys played so well!” Hana said, eyes sparkling, when he entered the classroom after morning practice, “I’ve never seen anything like it, it was so cool!”

Shoyou was tired but he perked up at her enthusiasm, “You were there?”

“Yes! I was so worried when-- ah-- Tsukishima, right? He got hurt and had to leave, I was worried that you were going to lose but then you blocked the ball and he came back and you won!”

He smiled at her, her play-by-play was cute, “Yeah! That guy hit the ball so hard. Yachi, our manager, kept saying she was worried he’d break our arms off,” he laughed, “But we won!”

“He’d probably break her arms! And mine too! How is Tsukishima’s hand?”

“It’s bandaged up but he should be fine in time for Nationals.”

She let out a relieved sigh, “That’s good.”

For some reason her concern made him uneasy.

* * *

They weren’t slowing down just because they qualified for Nationals. If he wanted to keep up with the others he had to keep going, keep moving forward.

Shoyou took a deep breath and pushed himself harder.

* * *

Shoyou was horrified when he went into Tsukishima’s kitchen for their weekly Thursday snack and he found his cupboards empty. He usually thought that Tsukishima’s house lacked food, but this was a step too far. He wasn’t even sure what he could scrounge together for them to eat. When he looked over at Tsukishima to ask what was going on he could see that he was slightly ashamed.

“There’s no food in your refrigerator or cupboards,” he said, trying to discreetly look him over to see if he had gotten skinnier.

“Oh,” he was extremely uncomfortable. Shoyou watched him rub his hands against his pants, “My mother usually gets it… but Akiteru told her he would be around more and she stopped.”

Shoyou crossed the room and grabbed his hands, Tsukishima’s fingers twitched but he didn’t pull away, “What! What do you mean?”

Tsukishima let out a long, shaky breath and forced himself to look at Shoyou, “She expected him to do the shopping even though he doesn’t live here full time.”

His face fell. That was terrible. Shoyou had done his fair share of grocery shopping when his mother was depressed and unable to get there herself, but they were never without food, he never even thought to worry about food. But then he had an idea.

“C’mon, let’s go grocery shopping. Do you have money?” He began to pull Tsukishima towards the door. He was going to buy him food no matter how much he complained about it. He would drag him there if he needed to. He would--

“At least let me get my wallet and the shopping bags,” Tsukishima mumbled.

Shoyou could tell that he was embarrassed by the whole thing so for the entire walk to the grocery store he talked about whatever popped into his head-- Nationals, school, anything-- to try and distract Tsukishima from the situation. He swore he saw Tsukishima smile at him, and his heart thudded noisily in his chest when he noticed, so he kept talking.

Once inside the store Shoyou grabbed a handbasket and started walking up and down the aisles. He knew what he usually saw in the house and after weeks of feeding him he knew what Tsukishima was most likely to eat without complaint, so he didn’t have a difficult time picking out groceries. It wasn’t long before the basket was overflowing with food.

“You doing okay, Shrimp?” Tsukishima laughed quietly as he struggled with the basket.

“Shut up, Meanie-shima,” he growled.

Tsukishima laughed a bit louder and Shoyou was grateful that he took the basket from him and headed to the checkout on his own because Shoyou was sure he was making a dumb face. He wanted to make Tsukishima laugh more, it was such a rare occurrence.

“I’m going to pay for this now and you’re going to cook something for me,” Tsukishima said as he walked away.

Shoyou smiled up at him brightly, “I’ll cook for you whenever you want.” And he would. Every day if he asked. He knew that probably meant something but he didn’t want to think about it just yet, he needed to focus on making sure Tsukishima was safe and fed.

But back at Tsukishima’s house, while he was humming to himself in the kitchen (Tsukishima has put on his headphones and left him to cook alone) it hit him.

He had a crush on Tsukishima.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : have you ever had a crush on anyone??
> 
> **Kenma** : No.
> 
> **Shoyou** : really????
> 
> **Kenma** : Not really my thing.
> 
> **Shoyou** : what does that mean?
> 
> **Kenma** : I’m asexual, I don’t experience sexual attraction towards people.
> 
> **Shoyou** : huh
> 
> **Shoyou** : i didnt know that was a thing!
> 
> **Kenma** : Most people don’t.
> 
> **Kenma** : If you wanted to talk to me about a crush you have
> 
> **Kenma** : You can, I guess.

* * *

“Mama,” Shoyou pressed himself close to his mother. She put down her book to give him her full attention, it had been a long time since he last called her that, “What do I do when one of my friends needs,” he paused to consider his words.

She pet his hair gently, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He shook his head, “I can’t. He wouldn’t like it if I did, I just want to try and help him.”

“Can you tell me something general? I don’t need to know the specifics to give advice,” she pressed.

Shoyou leaned on her more, “His family isn’t around a lot so he spends a lot of time by himself,” he got quieter as he spoke, as if he finally realized the full weight of Tsukishima’s situation.

She hummed lightly, “It seems like the best thing you can do is be there for him.”

“Yeah,” he said, and then again a bit louder, “Yeah, I can do that.”

* * *

Kageyama going to the Japan Youth training camp felt like a slap to the face. It felt like no matter what he did Kageyama was always going to be a step ahead of him, multiple steps ahead of him, even. But then Takeda-sensei kept going and announced that Tsukishima was also invited to a training camp.

Out of the first year starting players he was the only one who wasn’t invited anywhere. The only one who wasn’t good enough. He wanted to yell-- he did yell, what about me, why not me-- what did he have to do to be recognized? What did he have to do to step out of Kageyama’s shadow and become good enough to stand on his own.

He walked home that night, wheeling his bike beside him, because he needed the extra time to think and sort through his emotions. Maybe he was being irrational, maybe he hadn’t done enough to make up for his height just yet. Maybe he needed to do more. Kenma mirrored his thoughts.

 **Kenma** : Why not do something about it then?

He stared at the text as he walked and an idea formed.

* * *

Shoyou had never heard Tsukishima yell like that, and to have it directed at him for his decision to sneak into the training camp was something else. Tsukishima yelled and blustered and ran out of steam rather quickly; Shoyou felt bad for putting him through this, he could see that he was embarrassed, but he did not feel bad for showing up.

He perhaps felt a bit of shame when he introduced himself as a ballboy, the camp was full of people he considered rivals-- and people who considered him a threat on the court-- so to lower himself like that felt demeaning. But he knew that was what Coach Washijo was counting on, so he planned on sticking it out for as long as possible. He slapped his cheeks to help recenter himself, he needed to change his mindset.

Being a ballboy wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be. It offered him a lot of time to think and gave him a new perspective on which to watch the game. But by the end of the day he was exhausted and he still had to catch a bus and then bike all the way home.

Tsukishima gave him a weird look, probably still unhappy that he dropped in on his invitation only training camp, but Shoyou smiled at him and reminded him to eat enough food to restore his body. At least if Tsukishima was here he would get properly fed and he wouldn’t have to worry about that as well.

The next day he pushed himself harder. He found out that from the balcony he had a bird eye view of the court and had an easier time taking everything in. He watched how people positioned themselves and the stances they took. He watched how they communicated and who they kept track of on the court.

It made his brain hurt. The amount of information he was trying to take in all at once was dizzying but he knew that if he could manage to filter what he needed and what he didn’t, he could become a better player. He wasn’t going to waste the precious few days they had before Nationals.

Shoyou was stuck in his head when Tsukishima approached him and asked to talk to him privately. He did a double take at the invitation because Tsukishima had been seemingly going out of his way to avoid him all throughout the camp.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped.

“You’re not going to kill me, are you?” Shoyou asked suspiciously.

Tsukishima shrugged and cradled his fingers in front of him in his usual ‘I’m uncomfortable with this’ pose, “I would never do that in a place where people could so easily tie me to your death,” he said, sounding more sure of himself than he looked.

Shoyou laughed loudly, “Okay, let’s go. What do you want to talk about?”

Tsukishima’s face went through a series of emotions before settling back on his neutral expression, “Do you want to stay here tonight? Everyone is in their own room but the rooms have bunk beds. And you live so far,”

If Shoyou didn’t know better he would think that Tsukishima was babbling.

“Say something,” he commanded.

“Yeah! Thank you!” He jumped up and down, “I’ll just go get something to eat and then come back. Yesterday I called Coach and asked him what I should eat. You should do that too.”

“No thanks,” he began walking away leaving Shoyou alone, “My room is 206. It’s that building,” he pointed to the building they were adjacent to, “You better not snore.”

Shoyou watched him go and tried to pretend that his heart wasn’t thudding hard in his chest. He had just agreed to spend the night in a room with someone he had only recently realized he had a crush on. He silently wished that he didn’t do anything to screw it up, they were finally getting along and he didn’t want to scare Tsukishima off by letting him know about his feelings.

He sighed, there was no way that Tsukishima would return his feelings. At best he’d probably just make fun of him, at worst stop talking to him.

But now wasn’t the time to think about that, he had to call home and let his mother know that he wouldn’t be returning that night. He was worried about leaving Natsu with his mother ever since she stayed in bed with a cold for two days but everything seemed fine. He was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop but he knew, he just knew that it was going to happen again.

The phone call with his mother was brief, it was simply “I’m staying with a friend at the camp tonight” and “I should be home tomorrow” before they hung up.

As he talked to her he walked to a nearby restaurant for some food to replenish his tired body and mind. He ate mechanically, a testament to how tired he was, and walked back to Tsukishima’s room.

When he got there the door was slightly ajar and Shoyou knocked quietly before letting himself in.

Tsukishima was stretched out on the bottom bunk but stood up immediately when Shoyou entered. Then, for reasons unbeknownst to even him, Shoyou tried to hug him to thank him for the bed. Tsukishima gracefully avoided him.

“I’ll hug you one day, just you see!” he said, trying and failing to break the awkward tension.

Tsukishima scrunched up his nose, “Take the top bunk, you won’t hit your head if you sit up.”

Shoyou climbed to the top and pretended that falling asleep would be easy.

* * *

Shoyou advanced a lot at the training camp, leveled up as Kenma would say, with volleyball and maybe with Tsukishima as well.

* * *

Shoyou looked forward to Thursdays.

He liked how Tsukishima watched him work in the kitchen and he liked how over the weeks and the months Tsukishima’s bedroom had become more and more comfortable to him. He liked the dinosaur figures on the shelves and the books that lined the walls. He liked that Tsukishima had books hidden under his bed and they weren’t dirty like he had first guessed but they were about understanding emotions. He liked how Tsukishima acted in the safety of his room.

He really, really liked Tsukishima.

“Tsukishima,” he whined.

“No,” he said sharply, “I’ve shown you how to do it three times already. Get it through your thick skull. Or is it only good at volleyball?”

Shoyou smiled up at him, “You think I’m good at volleyball?”

A light blush crossed his cheeks and he scraped his fingers across the table. Shoyou bit his cheek, his question had made Tsukishima uncomfortable but his reaction was… it was almost like…

“No,” he said again, back to his normal self, “I think you’re good at taking a volleyball to the face.”

“Better than you!” he pounded his fist against his chest.

Tsukishima stifled a laugh, “That’s not something to be proud of.”

Shoyou turned back to his worksheet, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. It would be wishful thinking to think that Tsukishima was flirting with him. Did he even want to think that? He stole a quick glance across the table. Tsukishima was so confusing, but for now, Shoyou told himself, he was fine with making him smile and laugh.

* * *

> **Shoyou:** can i call you later?
> 
> **Kenma** : Not free until tomorrow, but sure.

* * *

Afternoon practice was rough but when they had a small break Shoyou slipped out of the gym and towards the club room so he could grab his phone and call Kenma. He wanted to talk to him yesterday, and maybe if he had gotten this off his chest already he would have been playing better today, but this was the soonest they were both available to talk.

Kenma answered on the third ring.

“Kenma!” Shoyou cheered.

“Shoyou,” he said, warmly but much more reserved, “What do you need help with?”

He groaned and banged his forehead against a locker, “How do you know if someone is fighting or flirting with you?”

Kenma was quiet on the other end, Shoyou could picture him tilting his head slightly, “How am I supposed to know?”

“Argh, I have a crush on,” he paused, “this person. And they’re so infuriating. Sometimes I think that we’re friends and they like me and sometimes I think they just like bullying me and I’m seeing things because I like them. I don’t know what to do, Kenma.”

“So who is he?” Kenma asked quietly.

Shoyou froze, “He?”

Kenma tsked, “You wouldn’t have gone out of your way to conceal the gender of your crush if it was a girl,” he explained.

He groaned, “It’s Tsukishima.”

“Oh,” Kenma went quiet again as he thought it over, “It could go either way with him, I think.”

* * *

> **Shoyou:** thanks for talking to me
> 
> **Shoyou** : you dont care that i like guys?
> 
> **Kenma** : No problem. And No.
> 
> **Shoyou** : I like girls too
> 
> **Kenma** : Cool.
> 
> **Shoyou** : we’re opposites!!!

* * *

Hana took a seat on his desk before the official start of class and swung her legs absentmindedly as Shoyou dug through his bag for the homework he knew he packed the night before. Shoyou grumbled at his bag and his past self for being forgetful and she laughed good naturedly at him.

“You’re going to Nationals soon,” she said suddenly.

He took his head out of his bag, “Yeah! There are going to be so many strong teams there! I can’t wait,” his eyes lit up and any unhappiness he had over losing his homework was long gone, replaced with fantasies of large courts and powerful teams.

She hopped off his desk, “Well, good luck.”

In her place she left a small good luck charm.

Shoyou smiled at her as she walked away.

* * *

“Mom! Where are my shoes?” Shoyou yelled as he frantically tore apart his room looking for his volleyball shoes. If he lost his shoes then he wouldn’t be able to play. They probably wouldn’t even let him on the bus and he wanted to go to Tokyo.

His mother entered his room with a small laugh, “They were in your bag, right where they always are.”

He slumped to the floor, “I thought I looked there!”

“Well, they were hidden under a few shirts. Don’t you ever clean that bag out?” she scolded lightly, “You should get yourself organized before you go on your big trip to the city.”

“I’m not going sightseeing,” he smiled, “It’s Nationals! The biggest tournament of the year!” he jumped back up to his feet, landing in a determined pose, “And we’re going to win the whole thing! Will you and Natsu be watching?”

She let out a small sigh, “I tried to get off work so we could be there with you but it’s the busiest time of the year for the company and my request was denied. But they’re playing all the matches on television so I’ll make sure to watch and cheer so loudly you’ll hear me all the way in Tokyo.”

“That’s okay,” he smiled at her, “Natsu probably shouldn’t miss school either.”

“Oh, Shoyou, there are some things worth missing school for. This would have been one of those things, I just didn’t get the time. But I'm sure you’ll do great. Now get packing and make sure you don’t forget anything important.”

He straightened his posture, “Yes ma’am!”

* * *

“Kenma!” Shoyou yelled when he spotted his friend waiting outside the stadium with the rest of his team.

Kenma glanced up from his phone, “Hi, Shoyou.”

“How was your trip?” He quickly greeted the other Nekoma members, namely Inuoka and Lev, but stuck mostly to Kenma who looked like he was playing some sort of resource management game on his phone. It was kind of interesting but Shoyou quickly got bored of watching.

He chuckled, “Shouldn’t I be asking that? We didn’t go far.”

Shoyou nodded emphatically, “The bus ride was so long but I slept through most of it so it wasn’t that bad. And I didn’t throw up so that’s good,” Kenma glanced at him, “Oh! I never told you about the time I threw up on the bus? It was our first practice match.”

“You’re babbling. Are you nervous, Shoyou?” Kenma flashed him a predatory grin and Shoyou was reminded of how badly he wanted to play against his friend. He was quiet, but he could be so dangerous.

He pounded on his chest, “I have nerves of steel now!”

Kenma didn’t look like he believed him, “Is that so?” he purposefully looked towards Tsukishima, “I look forward to seeing them. Don’t lose in the first round.”

* * *

Shoyou’s first thought upon entering the stadium was that it was big. Which may have been silly, because he knew that it needed to hold multiple regulation size volleyball courts, but for some reason he was still in awe of the size and the lights and the smells and how the sounds carried. The whole thing was amazing.

The rest of his teammates ranged from intimidated (Yamaguchi) to awed (Nishinoya and Tanaka) to bored (Tsukishima).

If it was possible, Shoyou wanted to spend his entire life in this stadium-- live, start a family, and die right here, surrounded by the best volleyball players Japan’s high schools had to offer. One look at Kageyama was enough to shake that thought though, Kageyama wasn’t going to stop at the top of the high school ladder and neither was he.

This was just one step.

* * *

Kenma told him not to lose in the first round. What went unsaid was ‘don’t lose until we get to face each other’. They both got their wish but Shoyou wished he could have basked in the glory of victory for a little bit longer before Karasuno lost in the very next match.

It was his fault.

* * *

Shoyou felt awful. The combined weight of his fever and their loss sat heavily on his chest.

He heard the team eat without him and he longed to join them but his body ached and wouldn’t cooperate. Instead of mourning their loss together he laid isolated and alone. He wanted to be with them, he wanted to apologize for his failure.

He thought about his father telling him to work hard for what he wanted, and his mother telling him not to push himself too hard. He thought about Takeda-sensei telling him that this was all part of his journey. He silently cried himself to sleep.

“Don’t complain,” Tsukishima’s voice stirred him from his sleep, “I brought you some water.”

Shoyou slowly sat up despite his body’s protests, “For me?”

Tsukishima picked up one of Shoyou’s hands and placed the glass there, he shivered at the unfamiliar contact, Tsukishima so rarely touched him.

“That’s what I said, idiot.”

“Don’t bully me, I don’t feel well,” he whined, probably sounding as pathetic as he looked and felt.

Tsukishima looked shy, but maybe that was his feelings playing tricks on him, “Your pathetic coughing was keeping me awake.”

Shoyou smiled at him, he liked him, “You’re allowed to be nice.”

“No,” he said after a long moment, “I’m not.”

He didn’t know what that meant and knew that Tsukishima wouldn’t tell him if he asked, so he slowly took a few sips of the water and watched as stared at the ceiling. It looked like he wanted to say something more. Shoyou could wait.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out suddenly, “I couldn’t stay on the court after you left.”

Shoyou’s heart squeezed in his chest and he knew it wasn’t because of the fever. He liked him so much, “I thought you couldn’t be nice,” he said weakly, “It’s fine though. I saw on the stream how much you wanted to stay and fight. They wouldn’t let me fight either.”

Tsukishima ruffled his hair and Shoyou tried not to read anything into it or lean into the touch.

“Go to sleep,” he said. Shoyou allowed himself to believe it was said with a bit of affection.

* * *

Shoyou didn’t really remember getting on the bus back home, nor did he remember the ride. In one moment he was in Tokyo and in the next he was being helped in the back of Tsukishima’s brother’s car.

“So,” Tsukishima’s brother-- Akiteru, his mind supplied-- said when Tsukishima got in the passenger seat, “Do you know where he lives?”

Shoyou tried to answer but he was too tired.

“In the mountains?” he asked hesitantly.

Akiteru laughed. They had the same laugh. “Sure, I’ll drive up the mountain and drop him behind the third boulder.”

“I’ll find his wallet,” Tsukishima grumbled as he went through Shoyou’s gym bag looking for his wallet. He read Shoyou’s address off his ID and Akiteru plugged it into the GPS.

The majority of the ride was silent and the gentle rocking of the car lulled him back to sleep, but he did happen to overhear, “You’re a good friend, Kei,” said in a warm voice. It was nice to hear someone speak so kindly to Tsukishima. Shoyou smiled softly to himself.

He was just about to fall back asleep when he heard Tsukishima mumble, “No, I’m not.”

The next time he woke up he was curled up in bed with his mother and Natsu.

* * *

“Coach?” Shoyou peaked his head into Ukai’s shop a few days after they got back from Nationals, “Can we talk?”

Ukai looked up from his magazine, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips, “Hinata, I was wondering when you were going to show up.”

“You knew I was going to do this?” his eyes widened, “Are you a mind reader?”

“Well, I don’t know what you’re here to talk about,” he laughed, “But I knew you’d show up eventually looking for something. You’re not one to sit still after you get knocked down.”

Shoyou chewed on his lip and fully entered the shop, “I’ve been thinking. About beach volleyball. Do you think that you can help?”

Coach Ukai smirked, “Beach, huh?”

* * *

“I have an announcement,” Shoyou stood up and waited for the other four first years to look at him.

Kageyama didn’t bother, “If you need to use the bathroom, just go,” he motioned towards the door.

He leaned over and flicked Kageyama’s forehead, “I don’t need to use the bathroom, Bakayama! I have something to say, so listen to me!”

“We’re listening, Hinata,” Yachi smiled at him.

Shoyou smiled at her and paused dramatically before delivering his big announcement, “After high school I’m going to play beach volleyball.”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Kageyama burst out laughing and Yamaguchi asked, “Huh? Why?”

Shoyou looked between them, this wasn’t the reception he was expecting. He thought they would be amazed or proud, not… whatever this was! “For training,” he complained, “it’s for training! I’m not giving up on indoor.”

He looked over at Tsukishima who had remained quiet, “Where are you expecting to play beach volleyball?”

“I don’t know yet. I talked to Coach Ukai and he said he knew a few people to ask about it but it probably won’t be in Japan.”

That got the reaction he was expecting. “You’re going to leave the country?” Yamaguchi asked, surprised.

“Probably!” he smiled, “But not for a while and I’ll definitely keep in touch. It won’t be that easy to get rid of me!”

* * *

Shoyou had the option to study with Yachi, Kageyama, and Yamaguchi but it was Thursday so he turned down the offer and went to Tsukishima’s house instead. Both Kageyama and Yamaguchi gave him odd looks so he waved his arms around and told him that he needed help in math and English and Tsukishima was the best in those subjects.

He had gotten rather good in English over the past year, partly because he liked to hear Tsukishima speak in a foreign language and watch his mouth form the words. He may be in a bit over his head with this crush, but at least he was learning something.

“Should we start with English?” Tsukishima asked him in English.

Shoyou grinned up at him, trying not to reveal just how much he liked hearing Tsukishima speak, “Yes. English first.”

He switched languages again, “Are you sure you need help with English? You’ve gotten pretty good.”

“Is Tsukishima Kei complimenting me?” he joked in order to keep his heart rate down. Maybe this lesson wasn’t such a good idea. Or, he thought after a second, maybe it could turn into something good.

Tsukishima had been giving him mixed signals lately, maybe it was time to do something about it. Shoyou was nothing if not a man of action. Right? With only half a plan formed, he decided to jump right in, “I still need help with what order words go in and you’re still the best in English.”

He pushed his glasses up his nose, something Shoyou knew that he did when he was embarrassed, “Let’s just get started, it’s grammar you’re having trouble with?” Tsukishima proceeded to lecture him on grammar for a bit and Shoyou half-listened. His plan took shape.

“So if I say,” Shoyou purposefully brought the pencil to his lips, “‘I play volleyball’ then ‘I’ is a pronoun, ‘play’ is a verb, and ‘volleyball’ is a noun. Right?” He looked at him with wide eyes and waited.

Tsukishima seemed startled for some reason, it took him a long time to respond, but eventually he nodded.

“Good!” Shoyou grinned, he was going to say one more real example then he was going to take a leap of faith and have his example sentence be ‘I like you’. He took a deep breath to try and stop his heart from thudding in his ears, “What if I say ‘I am going to win.; Then--”

Tsukishima leaned over and kissed him.

Oh.

Huh.

That was unexpected.

He’d have to tell Kenma later.

Shoyou took in a sharp breath, he had Tsukishima’s lips pressed against his, now wasn’t the time to be thinking about other people.

Tsukishima tried to break the kiss, but Shoyou grabbed a handful of his shirt and climbed in his lap to kiss him again. He had only planned to tell Tsukishima that he liked him; Shoyou had hoped that he wouldn’t kick him out of his house and would keep being his friend. This was better than anything he thought possible.

Tsukishima laughed quietly to himself.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked, a bit offended.

He captured Hinata’s lips in another quick kiss, “Why are you kissing me?”

“You keep kissing me!” He didn’t understand what kind of question that was. He was the one who started it!

“But you kissed back. Why?” he asked stupidly.

“Tsukki,” he started condescendingly, “you’re not that dumb. I’m kissing you because I like you!”

He shook his head, “No you don’t,” he said confidently, “And don’t call me that.”

Shoyou nodded wisely, “Right, right, if we’re on kissing terms I should call you Kei,” they both blushed as soon as he said Tsukishima’s given name. He had never said it outloud before. It sounded nice, felt nice in his mouth. The thought embarrassed him even more and he buried his face in Tsukishima’s-- Kei’s shoulder.

Kei gently stroked his hair and Shoyou bit the inside of his cheek to stop from saying anything stupid, surprisingly it was Kei who had that covered, “I’m pretty sure this isn’t real,” he paused, “Shoyou.”

Shoyou’s head shot up, almost banging into Kei’s chin, “Why can you like me but I can’t like you?”

The hand in his hair froze, “I’m not. I don’t.” he stuttered, “Don’t you like Shimizu-senpai?” he asked weakly.

He scrunched up his face in confusion, “She’s very pretty? Like, really pretty. But you’re also really pretty. Handsome. Whatever. I don’t like her though,” he tried not to babble. ‘I don’t like her’ was half of a confession, he knew that Kei would be smart enough to piece the rest together but if he didn’t soon Shoyou would blurt it out. If he wanted to hear it, he would happily oblige.

“I don’t like you,” Kei mumbled.

“I don’t believe you,” he shot back. And he didn’t. Kei had kissed him twice, was letting him sit in his lap, was letting them not just touch but touch intimately without flinching away from him. He didn’t need any more signs that Kei liked him. He already knew that he did, even ignoring his past suspicions he had gotten enough evidence in the last few minutes.

Shoyou grabbed the back of Kei’s neck and pulled him in for a fierce kiss, much different from the small pecks they exchanged before. He moved fast, tilting Kei’s head to deepen the kiss and opening his mouth slightly to lick along Kei’s lower lip. Despite his earlier denial, Kei tightened his grip on Shoyou’s hair and eagerly kissed him back.

It was the best kiss he ever had.

He pulled back just slightly so he could breath and Kei whined at the lack of contact. Shoyou filed the sound away, he wanted to tease him for it, or tease it out of him again but now wasn’t the time for that. He huffed out a small breath, Kei was unfairly attractive.

“You don’t like me, huh?”

Kei looked away, unable to maintain the fierce eye contact that Shoyou started, “I’m not gay,” he practically whispered.

Shoyou tried not to frown. He knew that there could be a lot of weight behind those words, “Is that what this is about?” he said lightly, “You don’t have to be. I’m bisexual.” He tried to sound as calming as possible.

It must not have worked because Kei stiffened underneath him, “I’m not that either.”

He cupped Kei’s cheek to make him look at him, “It’s okay if you are,” he said softly. Was this why Kei always seemed so uncomfortable around others? He was uncomfortable with his sexuality? “I don’t know what anyone told you or if someone did something but--”

Kei cut him off, “Stop. Please,” he begged.

Shoyou chewed on his lower lip, “Kei, I’m going to ask one more time. Do you like me? Do you want to go out?” he hesitated for a moment, if he was in the closet and wanted to stay there, they didn’t have to tell anyone about them, “if you’re uncomfortable we don’t have to say anything about it.”

“No,” he whispered.

Shoyou climbed out of his lap and haphazardly pushed all of his things into his bag. Kei sat frozen, unable to look at him. Shoyou hovered at the door to Kei’s room and after a few seconds of hesitation, he left.

* * *

He walked his bike home, needing the time to think. He could still feel Kei’s (Tsukishima’s? What was their relationship like now?) lips pressed against his. Shoyou knew that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want them to stop. None of it made any sense.

Tsukishima had always been a mystery to him, but now he had more incentive to figure him out.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : something weird happened
> 
> **Kenma** : I’ve got time.


	4. Chapter 4

Kenma peered curiously at him through the computer screen as he told him what happened with Tsukishima just hours before. He remained quiet throughout the entire story, not once offering even a ‘mhm’ to let Shoyou know that he was listening. He simply watched and waited for Shoyou to finish. It was slightly unnerving, the way Kenma watched him as he spoke, but Shoyou barreled through his story until he collapsed on the bed with a groan.

“He makes no sense,” Shoyou complained.

Kenma kept that contemplative look on his face, “So he kissed you,” he said slowly.

Shoyou shot up so he could see the computer screen, “And then he rejected me! He’s the one who started it. Why would he do that? Why would you kiss someone and then say you don’t like them and don’t want to go out with them.”

“But that’s not what he really said,” Kenma finally stopped looking straight at him, “You heard him, but were you listening?”

“What does that even mean, Kenma?” Shoyou dragged his hands down his face and let out a frustrated groan. First Tsukishima was confusing and now Kenma. Maybe he needed to talk to someone who was more straightforward.

Kenma sighed quietly, “Tsukishima kissed you, you said that he enjoyed it, and then he said he wasn’t gay. Why do you think that is?”

“How should I know! I tried to say that it didn’t matter if someone had said something to him in the past but he’s such a difficult person!”

“Shoyou,” Kenma scolded gently, “he’s scared. It’s easy for you to admit you like guys and go after what you want because you’re you. Tsukishima is your complete opposite. If you really like him and think he likes you, you should be patient with him.”

Shoyou was quiet for a long moment as he took in Kenma’s advice, “How do you know all of this?” he asked eventually.

On the other side of the screen Kenma fidgeted lightly, “I told you I don’t like people. I had to figure a lot out by myself,” he looked uncomfortable now that Shoyou turned the focus of the conversation to him, “The internet helped, I guess,” he mumbled.

Shoyou gave him a half smile, “What are you playing now? Can I watch?”

* * *

After his conversation with Kenma, Shoyou laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Tsukishima was scared of dating him, he sighed-- a long, put upon, sigh-- Kei was scared of dating him. The same person who initiated their first and third kiss was afraid of his feelings towards him.

Maybe he should have seen it coming, he thought, Kei was someone who flirted by being mean to him; if he couldn’t manage to be nice to the person he liked then what hope did a relationship have? But then again, he really did believe that was just his personality, that Kei was just like that. It wasn’t a sign that he was repressed or anything.

Shoyou groaned. It was a good kiss too. If he thought about it he could still feel Kei’s lips against his and hear the soft whine he made when he wanted to be kissed more. Kei was unfairly attractive-- it wasn’t the first time he had thought that, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

He didn’t know where to go from here. Does he give Kei space and wait for him to come around or does he chase after him and hope that his pursuit makes Kei realize that having a relationship with him would be okay? Kei was complicated. He’d probably want space, he’d probably want to hide, but that didn’t mean it was the best thing for him.

Shoyou rolled over.

Tomorrow, he decided, they would talk and try to figure something out.

* * *

Talking works best when both parties want to do it. Unfortunately for Shoyou, Tsukishima had somehow gotten very good at avoiding him overnight.

Tsukishima showed up late for morning practice and managed to make himself unavailable every time Shoyou even glanced in his direction. Then he didn’t even change in the club room, opting instead to grab his things and change in one of the bathroom stalls in the main school building and Shoyou couldn’t follow because he got swept into a conversation with Kageyama.

During lunch Shoyou walked by his classroom but neither he nor Yamaguchi were there. He checked the roof too but they weren’t there either. The jerk even skipped out on afternoon practice to go home early. Yamaguchi said that he had a stomach ache, and technically their season was over so they didn’t have anything big to work for so they didn’t need to be there, but it still rubbed him the wrong way.

His plan to corner and talk to Tsukishima got a bit derailed by their rapidly approaching exams. Shoyou grit his teeth, he wanted to ask Tsukishima to help him study but he knew that even if he had the opportunity to talk to him, he would just be denied again. Instead he turned to Yachi for help.

Yachi was happy to help him, but he could see that she wanted to ask what happened to his standing study sessions with Tsukishima. Before she could ask he shrugged and told her that he was mad at him about something and wanted to focus on his own exams. It was mostly the truth so he didn’t mind telling her that much.

He passed all of his exams with some extra help from Yachi, but for some reason he wasn’t as happy as he thought he would be.

* * *

After exams they had a break until the start of their next term, the official start of their second year of high school. They still had volleyball practice scheduled during the break and Shoyou thought that would be the perfect time to try and talk to Tsukishima about what had happened. Without the stress of school and exams and tournaments, they’d be free to talk things out.

His plan was good, excellent even, except for one small problem. Tsukishima never showed up to practice.

“Yamaguchi!” Shoyou yelled at the end of the first day, “Where’s Tsukishima?”

Yamaguchi rubbed the back of his neck somewhat nervously, “He’s staying with his older brother and practicing with his team.”

“He’s practicing with adults?” Kageyama poked his head over and nodded approvingly even though him and Tsukishima still were not on the best of terms.

“That jerk,” Shoyou grumbled under his breath before kicking the ground lightly and scuffing his shoe. He knew that Tsukishima had run away from him, he was one hundred percent sure that if nothing had happened between them then Tsukishima wouldn’t be with his brother right now. It was great that he was practicing with adults, Shoyou was happy for him and even a bit jealous, but he was still so frustrated.

“Hinata,” Yamaguchi said carefully, “Did something happen between you and Tsukki?”

Shoyou looked up at him sharply, ready to yell that his best friend was a jerk and a coward, but Yamaguchi was looking at him with worried eyes and Shoyou immediately ran out of steam, “I think we had a fight,” he said instead, “He’s been avoiding me.”

Yamaguchi nodded, “Tsukki likes to avoid his problems. If it helps, when he comes back he’ll probably try and act like whatever you’re fighting about never happened.”

That was the opposite of what Shoyou wanted. He wanted Tsukishima to acknowledge what had happened between them. At this point he would take not being ignored as a big win. But he couldn’t explain all of that to Yamaguchi, the last thing he could do to endear himself to Tsukishima was out him to his best friend.

“Why are you even friends with him?” Shoyou asked, genuinely curious. Their friendship had always confused him. Tsukishima was a jerk who liked to rile people up and Yamaguchi was a kindhearted person whose anxiety often rivaled Yachi’s. By all means their friendship didn’t make any sense.

Yamaguchi laughed, “Tsukki rescued me from bullies when we were younger and got me into volleyball. We also have a similar sense of humor, we’re more alike than you think,” his eyes sparkled mischievously in a way Shoyou had never seen before, “I know that Tsukki can be standoffish and rude but he…” Yamaguchi trailed off like he was looking for the right words.

Shoyou looked around confused when he didn’t start up his sentence again, “But he?”

“Oh! He’s had a rough time. Deep down he’s a good person. I know we’ve all been on the same team for a year but you should give him a chance before you write him off completely,” Yamaguchi smiled but there was something sad behind it. Apparently there was a lot about Tsukishima that he didn’t know.

“You should tell him not to write me off,” Shoyou crossed his arms.

Yamaguchi was the second person to tell him to give Tsukishima some time, although he didn’t know what had happened between them. Maybe the term break would do them some good.

He didn’t have to be happy about it though.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : Tsukishima is a big jerk  
>  **Kenma** : Yup.  
>  **Kenma** : What did he do?  
>  **Shoyou** : ditch practice for the whole break to train with adults and avoid me!!

* * *

“Are you okay?” Yachi sat down next to him on the gym floor and handed him a water bottle and a towel, “You seem down today. Not that you’re not allowed to feel sad! Just usually you’re in such a good mood and I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help! I’m sure you can solve your problems on your own but--”

Shoyou chuckled, cutting her anxiety spiral short, “I’m okay,” he looked across the gym where everyone was practicing. It seemed empty without Daichi, Suga, Asahi, and Tsukishima, “It’s quiet today.”

Tanaka and Nishinoya began loudly yelling about something on the other side of the gym as if to directly contradict what he just said.

Yachi nodded, “It has been quiet lately. But soon we’ll have new first years,” she smiled at him, “Won’t that be weird! We won’t be the first years anymore.”

“I wonder if they’ll call me senpai,” Shoyou said like it was the greatest honor he could imagine.

“Hinata!” she said suddenly, snapping him out of his reverie.

He sat up straighter, “Yes!”

They looked at each other nervously before Yachi’s cheeks turned a cute shade of pink, “Are things okay between you and Tsukishima? It seemed like the two of you were getting close and then… it stopped.”

Shoyou blinked at her a few times and wondered what she saw when she looked at the two of them together. He smiled, “We’re fine, I think, you know how he can be. What about you and Yamaguchi? You two have been getting close lately.” He said, changing the subject but accidentally mirroring her phrasing.

Yachi blushed harder. “I think he’s going to ask me out soon,” she squeaked out, “but I don’t know.”

Finally, the smile he gave her was genuine, “I hope things work out between you two.”

* * *

Shoyou’s mother seemed only moments away from pinching his cheeks and telling him about how much he had grown (not that much, he knew for a fact) because she couldn’t believe that her baby boy was starting his second year of high school.

“Where has the time gone,” she lamented dramatically, earning her a few laughs from both Shoyou and Natsu, “Soon you’re going to grow up and start a family of your own!”

He laughed again, “I think you have some time before that,” he gave her a big smile, “Besides, all I do is play volleyball. Where would I meet someone?” Shoyou pretended the comment didn’t make his chest ache.

She bumped his arm, “You never know where love will find you, Shoyou.”

“Yeah,” he said, sadder than he intended, “You never know.”

* * *

 **Kenma** : Good luck seeing Tsukishima again.  
 **Shoyou** : thanks!  
 **Shoyou** : Im gonna play it cool!

* * *

Shoyou planned on playing it cool, he really did, but the moment he saw Tsukishima approaching the school for the first time in weeks (weeks!) he couldn’t help but shove him. And yell at him.

“You’ve been avoiding me!”

Tsukishima’s eyes went wide and he tightened his grip on his bag, “Idiot, keep your voice down,” he whispered. Shoyou could hear his slightly frantic edge and he understood it, he did, but he was tired of being ignored.

“Then stop avoiding me!”

He took a step back like he was considering running away, “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Shoyou wanted to grab the front of his shirt and shake him. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to stop playing this stupid game already, “You’re at school, you’re not here,” he said, frowning. Because he could tell that Tsukishima wanted to be anywhere other than having this conversation with him. It hurt.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, “What does that even mean?”

“You know what I mean!” Shoyou yelled, and if he didn’t know he trusted Tsukishima to figure it out, he was smart enough.

Tsukishima clamped a hand over his mouth. Shoyou was surprised every time he initiated contact, but for some reason this particular time made him happy. Knowing that he could so casually touch him, and in public, made things seem less bad.

“I already told you to keep it down. We can talk later, okay. I’m trying not to make a scene here and you’re making it very difficult,” Shoyou kept still until he realized Tsukishima was waiting for a response. He tried to open his mouth and speak but couldn’t so he nodded instead, “Good. If you insist we talk about something we can do it after practice, until then leave me alone.”

Tsukishima practically pushed him away as he stalked off, but at least Shoyou got the promise of a conversation.

* * *

When Shoyou entered his new classroom he was relieved to see Hana already there. She was scrolling through her phone idly and nodding her head along to whatever song was stuck there; seeing her was like a breath of fresh air after his encounter with Tsukishima.

She must have felt him staring because she put down her phone and looked in his direction. A smile spread across her face when she saw that they were in the same class again this year. She eagerly waved him over and he crossed the room in a few quick steps to greet her.

“Hana!”

“Hinata!” they said at the same time. She laughed as he took a seat next to her, “How was your break?”

Shoyou posed like he was showing off his muscles, “I played a lot of volleyball. It was weird without the third years and Stupid-shima didn’t show up so we were missing a lot of players but it was still a lot of fun. But today we should meet the new first years. I hope we get a lot of people who want to join!”

“You went to Nationals, I bet tons of people want to join your team,” she nodded, “Why didn’t Tsukishima show up?”

He made a face, “Because he’s lame. But also so cool, he practiced with his adult brother instead,” he shook his head, he didn’t need to be talking about Tsukishima right now, “What about you? Do anything fun?”

She stretched her arms out over her desk, “Not really, spent time with my sister, caught up on some manga.”

Shoyou perked up a bit more, “What are you reading.”

“One Piece,” she smiled at him, a bit embarrassed, “I’m still behind though.”

He practically slammed his hands on his desk in excitement, “Who’s your favorite character?”

Hana laughed at his antics. Maybe second year wouldn’t be too bad.

* * *

Shoyou was on his way to the club room to get changed for practice when he was approached by a first year student, “Are you Hinata Shoyou?” he asked with stars in his eyes.

“Yeah?” he said suspiciously, stopping and looking around for any obvious traps or pranks lying in wait.

“Wow! I’m Takeda Masahiro, I’m joining the volleyball team and I saw you play in Nationals last year and you looked so cool. How do you jump like that? You’re so fast!”

Shoyou melted under the praise, the new kid hadn’t called him senpai but he finally understood why the word made Tanaka and Nishinoya preen like they did. The attention and adoration was flattering and intoxicating. He wished Tsukishima would give him a fraction of the amount of the attention.

The thought of Tsukishima made him realize that they were going to be late to the first practice of the year, “C’mon, I’ll show you where the club room is, we need to get changed fast!” He took off towards the club room without waiting for an answer but when he got to the door Shoyou was delighted to see that he was only a few steps behind.

“This is where we change,” Shoyou announced as he pushed the door open.

His mouth immediately went dry. Shoyou managed to shuffle inside but he hadn’t been ready to see Tsukishima topless. As he let his eyes wander he was vaguely aware that the new kid he brought with him and Tsukishima were speaking to one another but he was still too caught up in the fact that Tsukishima had put on some muscle over break.

Practicing with adults had done him good. It was so unfair.

“And you, what do you want?” Tsukishima snapped at him.

Shoyou’s somehow managed to pull his eyes away from his chest and up to face and for his troubles he was met with a very grumpy teammate. Shoyou had no idea what everyone else had just been talking about and he couldn’t stop the blush that spread across his cheeks, “Nothing,” he said after a beat too long.

He hoped that Tsukishima would take a moment and look at him and realize he wanted everything. That he had lied. Instead, Tsukishima quickly turned around and finished changing. Shoyou turned around as well to try and slow his racing heart.

The door to the club room banged shut marking Tsukishima’s exit. Shoyou took a deep breath and let himself relax but Yamaguchi appeared by his side.

“What was that about?” he asked, his gaze scrutinizing.

Shoyou made a face, “It’s so unfair. He’s tall and now he’s getting muscles too! Should I work out more?”

Yamaguchi laughed.

He had gotten away with his blatant ogling of Tsukishima this time, but next time he would have to be more careful.

* * *

There were six new first year members. Shoyou had to stop himself from bouncing up and down, although Noya was holding no such restraint and jumping on the back of everyone he could. Six people was practically an entire team! It was an entire team! Shoyou had been worried that they wouldn’t be able to replace the three members they had lost (not that anyone could replace Daichi, Suga, and Asahi), and their team was already so small.

With six new people they would have a deeper bench! They would be able to do more during practice. So many doors opened up.

Ennoshita had the first years line up and introduce themselves. Shoyou listened intently trying to take it all in.

Takeda Masahiro was a libero, which made sense since he was about the same height as Shoyou. Nishinoya practically tackled him to the ground in excitement, he had been lamenting earlier about leaving the team without a good libero after he graduated. Takeda-- that name wouldn’t do-- stood his ground and the two of them talked animatedly.

Tajima Takao, middle blocker, he was about Kageyama’s height but more muscular looking, if he was any good at blocking he would be intimidating at the net.

Fujiwara Kohaku, middle blocker, closer to Tsukishima’s height but not quite there. The idea of having a taller team was exciting, Karasuno wasn’t particularly tall.

Nishikawa Mari, wing spiker, had almost an identical height and build to Tanaka but was the least intimidating looking person of the bunch, which Tanaka thought was very funny for some reason.

Morimoto Hideki, wing spiker, the shortest of the bunch not counting their new libero and the most punk-looking.

Kawasaki Katsumi, wing spiker, average height, gave off the same friendly energy Suga did.

Shoyou was surprised that no setters had chosen to follow Kageyama to Karasuno to learn from him. Kageyama was visibly disappointed that there were no new setters, it meant that he had no backup if something went wrong so someone would have to be trained as their new setter, it was only a matter of who.

Shoyou, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Narita took the new middle blockers on to the court to assess their strengths and weaknesses. He was pleasantly surprised when Tsukishima took charge of their impromptu meeting but it made sense, he was the heart of Karasuno’s blocking. Tsukishima frowned the whole time but the others listened eagerly.

Shoyou hoped he didn’t have hearts in his eyes.

The first years were split into teams for their 3-on-3 match that was going to happen later in the week then Ennoshita dismissed them. It was a quick first practice but by how Kageyama stayed behind to talk, not having a backup setter could be a bigger problem than he first thought and needed immediate attention.

Back in the club room Shoyou kept an eye on Tsukishima lest he try to bail early and get out of their talk, but Tsukishima told Yamaguchi to go ahead without him and Shoyou had to bite back a smile. He wasn’t running away.

He sighed loudly and turned to Shoyou after everyone else had cleared out, "What?"

Shoyou didn’t expect him to start the conversation, "What do you mean, what?"

Tsukishima pushed his glasses up his forehead and rubbed his eyes-- stressed, not embarrassed, Shoyou thought-- and took a deep breath to calm himself, "You wanted to talk. I'm here. So talk."

"Oh." Shoyou hadn’t really thought that far ahead. He could demand Tsukishima at least try and date him, he could kiss him again, but he didn’t think that either of those options would work. He probably should have thought this through a bit better.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Shoyou watched him curiously and Tsukishima looked anywhere but at him, “You didn't tell anyone, did you?" he asked finally.

"Who would I te--" he cut himself off and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, "I told Kenma, But don't worry! He won't tell anyone! I made him promise not to tell Kuroo! But I was really worried about you and confused and I didn't know who to talk to and Kenma is really smart. You're really smart too but I didn't think that you wanted to talk to me and you didn't want to talk to me since you left for so long!" Shoyou knew he was babbling but he couldn’t stop.

"You told Kenma," he said slowly, "What did you tell him exactly?"

He nodded, "I told him about, you know," he looked around the room, "that we kissed. And Kenma said finally about time and I told him that I don't know if you liked it and that you said you're not gay and he said--"

"Okay, okay," he cut him off. "I don't need the whole play-by-play. Fine. Kenma knows." He clenched his fists hard and Shoyou remembered what Kenma told him. Tsukishima was scared, "You have five minutes before I leave. What do you want?"

Shoyou frowned lightly, even though he had a long time to think about it, he couldn’t really picture Tsukishima scared of anything. He blocked Ushijima, he was vital during Nationals, he could do anything he wanted.

"Why did that happen?" he asked quietly. That’s what he didn’t understand. "Why kiss me and then push me away even though I kissed you back? We could go out! It could be fun!"

Tsukishima scoffed and cradled his fingers in front of him, tugging at them lightly, "It was a mistake," he said after a few beats of silence, "I didn't mean to, you were just there and I reacted. I shouldn't have done it. It won't happen again. If you want to go out with someone go out with the King or Kenma or anyone else."

"I don't like them like that though," he took a step forward. He wanted to hold his hands and stop him from looking so uncomfortable, "I still don't understand. Do you not want to kiss me again? I want to kiss you again."

Tsukishima looked away, his cheeks turned pink and he bit his lower lip like he was stopping himself from saying something. Shoyou waited for him, he was told to be patient, he could wait.

"Your five minutes are up, I'm going home," he said instead of answering the question. Shoyou knew that wasn’t true, but he let him leave.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : he got prettier over break  
>  **Kenma** : And?  
>  **Shoyou** : we sort of talked  
>  **Shoyou** : but idk whats going on

* * *

Their new first years brought a new energy level to the gym. Most of them were easily swept up with Shoyou, Noya, and Tanaka and even egged them on so the noise level slowly rose higher and higher until Ennoshita reined them all in. They all grinned apologetically at their captain who just rubbed his forehead like he felt a migraine coming on. Shoyou wanted to feel bad for what Ennoshita was going to have to put up with in the coming year, but he was too busy feeling good about the new team.

Nishinoya had immediately taken their new libero under his wing and dubbed him Hiro because they couldn’t call him Takeda with Takeda-sensei around, it would just get too confusing. Hiro looked as if Noya had bestowed upon him a great honor and made sure to call him senpai over and over again.

Tsukishima stayed a few steps away from them and made a face like he was allergic to fun. He told Tajima and Fujiwara that he wouldn’t be giving them nicknames and Shoyou had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing. Yamaguchi didn’t have as much restraint and outwardly laughed at his friend, Tsukishima did not seem amused.

“I can give them nicknames!” Shoyou said cheerfully, “But not yet because I don’t know them well enough.” He turned and looked at Yamaguchi, “How come no one in our year has a nickname?”

Yamaguchi thought about it for a moment, “Well, Kageyama doesn’t seem like a nickname type, and neither does Tsukki,” he said, completely skipping over the fact that ‘Tsukki’ was a nickname, “But we could have nicknames.”

“I think nicknames are best when they happen organically,” one of the first years, Shoyou was pretty sure he was Fujiwara, cut in to say.

Shoyou and Yamaguchi nodded in agreement.

Tsukishima ignored the entire discussion but his loud huff was enough to end it. They were supposed to be practicing, not chatting.

After a quick discussion about what they were doing, Tsukishima set the first years up on one side of the net and told them to try and block Hinata's spike. Shoyou was going to comment that he needed someone to set the ball to him when Tsukishima turned to Kageyama and called out “Oi, King.”

(“A nickname,” Shoyou whispered to Yamaguchi, “How come Kageyama and Tsukki are the only ones with nicknames?” Kageyama yelled at Tsukishima to not call him King and Shoyou and Yamaguchi laughed about how similar the two of them were in regards to not liking their nicknames.)

Kageyama scowled a bunch but he set the ball for Shoyou to spike and the first years to block. They could barely get a finger on the ball. After a few attempts Tsukishima stopped them and told them to stand on the sidelines and watch, he was going to show them what they were doing and then show them the proper way.

It took a few tries before Fujiwara spoke up about finger placement and how they were stretching out their arms. Tsukishima nodded and had the two of them approach the net so he could adjust their form.

Shoyou felt bad about gawking at him, he didn’t expect Tsukishima to be such a good teacher, but he was relieved to see that he wasn’t the only one watching Tsukishima work. He had gathered a small crowd with his uncharacteristic actions. But maybe it wasn’t so uncharacteristic, Tsukishima liked volleyball and cared about this team.

Shoyou smiled warmly at him and kept watching as Tsukishima corrected their stances and forms without actually touching them. He was cute.

On the walk back to the club room to change Shoyou and Yamaguchi trailed after Tsukishima.

"What?" he snapped at them.

Shoyou turned to Yamaguchi instead, "Did you know that Tsukishima would be a good senpai? I had no idea!" He jumped up and down on the step animatedly, "They really looked up to him and he was such a good teacher!"

Yamaguchi nodded, "He spent a lot of time with his brother's team so maybe he learned there."

"I'm right here," he grumbled, "Don't talk about me like I'm not here."

The two of them laughed, "Tsukki, do you like your new kohai?"

He pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, "They aren't my anything," he turned around and continued walking up the stairs, "I'm going to go change."

Shoyou watched him as he left; him and the first years had that in common.

* * *

When Kageyama offered him a carton of milk Shoyou’s first thought was that his friend was dying, but one look at his uncomfortable face made it clear that it was some weird kind of peace offering. Shoyou took it hesitantly, he didn’t know why Kageyama was trying to butter him up, he rarely showed such tact in anything. It did make him feel better that Kageyama looked as uncomfortable as Shoyou felt.

“Last year,” Kageyama started stiffly, “I was told that I should check in on the state of my teammates. I thought I only had to do it on the court but you’ve been acting weird lately. So what’s wrong with you?” He crossed his arms and looked away in a huff.

Shoyou was touched that Kageyama cared enough to see if something was wrong with him, “It’s nothing Bakayama,” he stabbed the straw through the top of the milk carton, “I’ve been fine.”

Kageyama stared down at him, “No you haven’t. You’ve been different.”

“Oh yeah? How?” he challenged.

“For one, last year you were so set on feeding Tsukishima but now you two barely interact. I think that’s fine because he’s an asshole but did you two get into a fight or something? If you can’t work with him on the court then--”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Shoyou cut him off. If even Kageyama noticed that there was something wrong between them then it was probably worse than he thought, “We got into a fight. We’ll get over it.”

Kageyama scowled, “What happened.”

“Nothing!” Shoyou squeezed the milk carton and quickly drank the contents, “I’ll race you to the gym!”

* * *

Shoyou tried to study by himself, he really did, but when he was by himself he was easily distracted by the volleyball in his room or Natsu or that new anime everyone has been talking about. Tsukishima had managed to instill some kind of study habits into him, but it wasn’t enough to overcome years of not really caring about his school work.

Which is why when he’s handed back his first math quiz and he just managed to pass it, he cycled through a few emotions. Pride that he had passed, anger that he had worked hard on his own and only barely passed, annoyance that Tsukishima wouldn’t tutor him. But then a thought occurred to him.

Maybe Tsukishima would tutor him again.

When classes got out for the day Shoyou jumped out of his seat and raced towards class four, “Tsukishima!” he yelled.

Tsukishima froze but he recovered by the time Shoyou caught up with him, "What?" he asked grumpily, "What could you possibly need that warrants disturbing the peace?"

Shoyou scrunched up his nose and shoved a paper in Tsukishima's face.

"Congratulations," Kei said dismissively, "You passed."

"I should have done better than that! I studied for this test! I passed by two points! Help me study again." They made eye contact and Shoyou could see the doubt cross his face, the fear, but he shut it down quickly, "My grades were the best they ever were when you were helping me. Please." He clapped his hands together and bowed his head to plead for help.

Yamaguchi looked between the two of them, the silence had stretched for too long, "What could it hurt, Tsukki? You were doing it last year and we need him to pass his exams so we can have him on the court."

"Yeah," Tsukishima said finally, "Same schedule as last year's work for you?" He tried to sound nonchalant but his voice came out stiff.

Shoyou nodded eagerly, "Lunch on Tuesday, after school on Thursday," he confirmed, "Thank you! I'll be the best student ever, just you wait!"

"I'm not holding my breath."

* * *

It was easy to fall into their old study routine. Shoyou followed Tsukishima home after practice, they entered a too-quiet house, and Shoyou let himself into the kitchen to make them something to eat.

He was pleasantly surprised to see that there was more food in the cabinets than he expected. Tsukishima didn’t say anything but Shoyou could feel his embarrassment at Shoyou’s approval. He pulled out various ingredients and started making them a post-practice and pre-studying snack to fill their stomachs and fuels their minds.

Tsukishima put on his headphones but hovered in the kitchen and watched him cook while Shoyou hummed to himself. It was peaceful.

When he was done cooking they took their food into Tsukishima’s room, which had remained unchanged since the last time he had been there, and ate in relative silence. Shoyou thought that being there would be weird, but it was oddly comfortable. He had gotten used to being in Tsukishima’s room over the past year so it didn’t seem too foreign.

They made sure to sit at opposite ends of the table when they sat down with their food but as the tutoring went on Shoyou scooted closer and closer. It wasn’t out of some master seduction plan or anything, it was simply difficult to see what Tsukishima was writing when he was across the table and his hands were in the way. By the time the lesson was over they were sitting side-by-side, just barely but not touching.

Which was why when the lesson was over and Kei looked down at him, biting lightly at his lower lip, Shoyou couldn’t help but surge up and kiss him again.

He practically pushed him to the ground and their teeth banged together awkwardly but it took no time at all for them to adjust and begin kissing like it was as natural as breathing. Kei tangled his hands into the hem of his shirt and Shoyou curled a hand around the back of his neck as he peppered kisses, hard and soft, long and fleeting, across his lips.

Kei whined again because he wasn’t getting what he wanted and grabbed a handful of his hair so they could kiss each other soundly.

“Kei,” Shoyou whispered hotly against his lips, “Do you like me?”

Kei pulled him down for another kiss so he wouldn’t have to say yes out loud.

* * *

> **Shoyou** : Kei and i kissed again  
>  **Kenma** : Hmm.  
>  **Kenma** : “Kei” is oddly familiar for someone who won’t date you.  
>  **Shoyou** : not when you put your tongue in his mouth  
>  **Shoyou** : hes so hot  
>  **Kenma** : Shoyou  
>  **Kenma** : Don’t get hurt.

* * *

The Kei of his fantasies and the Kei of real life were, admittingly, nothing alike. In his daydreams Kei used his large, lovely hands to push him over and control the kiss. He dragged his lips and tongue and teeth against Shoyou’s mouth and whispered how much he wanted him. With his larger body pressed against him and his overwhelming presence it was enough to make Shoyou’s eyes glaze over. It was a good daydream.

He liked real life too, having Kei on his back while Shoyou’s legs bracketed his sides and he hovered above him. He didn’t understand why Kei didn’t touch him but he liked how he attached himself to his shirt and only let go when he had finally had enough and needed to drag Shoyou down for a longer kiss.

As much as he loved kissing Kei he loved pulling away and seeing his eyes hazy with want, or watching Kei’s mouth trail after his to try and get more. He loved each and every noise Kei made and how they shot right through him. Shoyou was happy about the position they chose to kiss in because Kei wouldn’t notice how much he affected him, maybe he’d notice Shoyou’s hips jolt but he’d never comment on it.

Their second week of studying together had gone much like the first and as Shoyou tangled his fingers into Kei’s hair and angled him just how he wanted, he thought that he wouldn’t mind if all of their study sessions ended this way.

Kei opened his mouth and bit Shoyou’s lower lip hard, a punishment for ruining their studying or not kissing him properly, but it didn’t matter what it was for because Shoyou groaned quietly and rocked his hips against the empty air over Kei. He was half-hard and in this far too deep.

"Kei," he started, but Kei tried to pull him down for another kiss. He wanted to give in, loving how eager he was, but he didn’t want to get distracted, "Kei," he tried again, "Are you sure you don't want to go out?"

He felt Kei freeze underneath him. After a moment he shook his head lightly, "I'm not going to go out with you, Hinata."

Shoyou tried not to show his disappointment but leaned up and placed one last lingering kiss on Kei's waiting mouth, "Next time you kiss me you can call me Shoyou."

"There won't be a next time," he lied.

* * *

Shoyou was talking to Hana about One Piece when one of their classmates ran in with a big grin on his face.

“Did you hear?” he asked, eager to share his gossip.

Shoyou and Hana exchanged a look, “Hear what?”

His grin grew bigger, “You know Tsukishima from class four? Tall, glasses? Apparently a girl confessed to him and he made her cry.

“That’s awful,” Hana frowned, “I hope she’s okay.”

“Isn’t it?” the guy nodded, “It’s so unfair too, he’s tall and smart and popular and girls want to date him but all he does is turn them down. Leave some for the rest of us!”

Shoyou sat there quietly. He didn’t realize that Tsukishima was so popular, he didn’t know that girls confessed to him. At least it wasn’t only him that Tsukishima was rejecting. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing in self pity. Tsukishima was so confusing.

He carried his thoughts with him to the club room to change and knew the second that Tsukishima entered because Noya and Tanaka jumped him.

"How could you turn down such a hottie?" Tanaka scowled.

"And so cruelly," Noya added.

Kei looked longingly at the door but Ennoshita put a hand on his shoulder and effectively held him in place so he couldn’t run away from their questioning and ditch practice.

Shoyou simply watched him sadly, he wasn’t sure how to feel yet.

"So who was it?" Tanaka asked, "I heard she was pretty and you made her cry!"

Tsukishima pushed his way through to his locker and stood there awkwardly. Shoyou could tell that he didn’t want to start changing while everyone was looking at him.

"How did you even hear about it?" Yamaguchi asked, drawing some attention away from Tsukishima.

Noya jumped up and down eagerly, "There were some third years in the library who saw it and they said a really tall kid with glasses made a girl cry after she confessed and when I heard that I turned to Kinnoshita and said 'sounds like our Tsukki,' so I wanted to find out if it was him so we--"

Ennoshita held up a hand, "We don't need the whole story, Noya." he turned to the room at large, "Everyone get changed and get to the gym. Leave Tsukishima alone, it's time for practice.”

At Kei’s house after practice Shoyou wasted no time pushing him to the ground and kissing him roughly. Kei groaned appreciatively. Shoyou pulled away and kissed him once more, sweetly. He wanted to talk and they had to do it now but kissing Kei was intoxicating so he did it again and again, pushing in and pulling back until Kei groaned again.

As usual the sound went straight to his groin and he had to lean back a bit more to catch his breath. If he pushed Kei too far he knew that the whole thing would be over, and he didn’t want that. He let out a huff, he wanted Kei so badly his cheeks burned with embarrassment when he thought about it and he couldn’t help but slip his hand past the waistband of his shorts when he was alone at night.

He looked down at Kei.

"What?" he gritted out, his hands fisted in the hem of Shoyou's shirt.

"Why did you turn her down?" He blurted out.

Kei tried to give him a look that truly conveyed how stupid a question that was but Shoyou kept waiting for an answer, he wanted to hear Kei say that he was gay. He sighed, "she didn't know me," he said at last, flexing his fingers around Shoyou's shirt.

Shoyou frowned at him, "But I know you."

"And?"

"And you won't date me either!" he yelled in his face.

Kei closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I told you, Sho, I'm not going to go out with you."

Shoyou's eyes darkened at the sound of his name, abbreviated at that-- a nickname, and he crashed their lips together like he wasn't just rejected again. This kiss was different. Shoyou was more forceful than usual, and he eagerly opened his mouth to lick at Kei's lips. Kei hesitantly parted his own lips and Shoyou took full advantage of the opening, sucking Kei's lower lip into his mouth and biting down hard.

He felt Kei’s grip on his shirt tighten as he moaned into the kiss.

It was Shoyou who broke the kiss, both of their lips glistened with their combined saliva and Shoyou could tell that Kei wanted to keep going but for once it was Shoyou who thought it was a bad idea.

"I know you," he said too loudly before clearing his throat and trying again, "I know you but I don't understand you."

* * *

 **Shoyou** : am i being stupid?  
 **Kenma** : Yes.

* * *

Even though he knew he was being stupid he still went to Kei’s house the next Thursday. If he ignored the fact that every time they did this it ended poorly, he could almost pretend that Kei liked him.

Kissing Kei hurt. Wanting Kei hurt. It made his chest pull painfully, it made his heart catch in his throat; it made him upset with himself that every week he did the same thing hoping that Kei would do something different, that he would decide that Shoyou was worth wanting too. But every week he would count down the days until it was Thursday and he could touch him again.

He ignored Kenma’s warnings about how he was hurting himself by doing this. He already knew that. But if you wanted something you were supposed to put in the effort to get it, right? He was supposed to be patient with Kei, right? So he climbed into Kei’s lap and pushed him onto his bedroom floor so they could kiss again and Shoyou could prove himself.

He was careful to never push Kei too far, he was used to ignoring how much he wanted by now.

But then he made a mistake.

One of the perks of kissing Kei was being able to touch him without Kei flinching away, and Shoyou took advantage of that. He tangled his fingers into Kei’s hair, cupped his cheek, and curled his fingers around his neck to better position their kisses. And sometimes he ran a hand up and down his side, from rib cage to hip.

In the past it had always been over his shirt, but this time Shoyou pushed Kei’s shirt up and rested his hand on his bare side. His fingers brushed against the stretch marks on Kei’s side and he felt the shallow ridges.

Kei went rigid beneath him.

At first Shoyou thought that Kei had stopped breathing but then he started panting, much different than the heavy breathing he did while they were making out. His eyes were completely unfocused like he couldn’t see Shoyou hovering in front of him.

It took him two attempts to grab Shoyou’s wrist and Shoyou felt how badly he was trembling. He immediately stopped touching Kei, he had fucked up and he wasn’t’ even sure what he had done wrong. He knew that Kei was peculiar about being touched and that sometimes he froze up but he had never seen him act like this. He didn’t know what to do.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, trying not to panic like he somehow broke Kei.

Kei took a few deep breaths before whispering, “Please don’t touch me.”

Shoyou scrambled out of his lap, “Kei, what should I do?”

He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes with his palms, “Can you go? Please?” Shoyou had never heard him sound so small.

He didn’t want to leave Kei alone, Shoyou could tell that something was wrong, but if Kei didn’t want him there then he knew it was best to leave. Kei didn’t want him anyway.

Shoyou thought about asking Kei what happened when he saw him at school the next day, but decided not to.


	5. Chapter 5

Shoyou loved the tournament atmosphere. Everyone was fired up and ready to put in their all. They were still figuring out how to best work without having the power of Asahi and the dependability and floor defense of Daichi on their side all game, and the motivation and intelligence of Sugawara, but Shoyou was confident in their ability to pull together as a team. Daichi and Suga even said they were going to come and cheer for them!

He was still nervous though, but he wasn’t a first year anymore and he didn’t want the kohai to see him get jittery. Yamaguchi and Ennoshita also seemed nervous but for some reason Shoyou felt like he couldn’t show off his own nerves.

He wasn’t as subtle as he thought he was because Tsukishima sighed at him and told him to just go to the bathroom if he needed to. So he went.

The bathroom always proved to be a challenge in itself at tournaments so he steeled himself to run into some strong opponents and somehow get into a misunderstanding with them like he usually did. He was pleasantly surprised when the only person who acknowledged him was Kogane from Date Tech.

The two of them happily chatted about volleyball and anime and how their own team was going to win and by the end of the conversation his nerves were gone and he felt fired up. He took Kogane’s hands and thanked him for talking to him. His friend didn’t seem to know what he had done to deserve such a heartfelt thank you but he accepted it nonetheless.

Shoyou and Kogane met up again on the court not long after. Shoyou had faith that Karasuno would pull together as a team and overcome the Iron Wall of Date Tech but he did not expect for them to have improved so much since the last time they played. His spikes were blocked again and again.

They lost.

Date Tech continued on and they went back to the bus.

The mood on the bus was sour. They all felt like they failed. They were a nationally ranked team and they lost at Inter-High.

When they got back to the school they all trudged to the gym to have a meeting. Coach Ukai tried to tell them that they did a great job and that they are still trying to get their legs under them but no one wanted to believe him.

"Hey!" he scolded, "Now listen to me. Just because you made it to Nationals once doesn't mean you are going to make it every time. Now go get something to eat, have a good night's rest, and come back ready to practice."

Ennoshita stood up next to him, "We all wanted to win, but everyone there wanted to win. The best we can do is move forward. We have some coordination issues to work out but you all did great. Date Tech won't know what hit them next time."

The team, minus Tsukishima, cheered and just like that their moods were lifted.

Next time they would win for sure.

* * *

Shoyou noticed the shift between Yamaguchi and Yachi almost as soon as it happened. After their loss at Inter-High the two of them went from stammering and shy looks to blushing and shy touches. Yamaguchi must have finally asked her out.

He was happy for them. They looked happy when they were with each other, they smiled a lot more. They were a cute couple, he thought.

He wished it didn’t hurt so much, or that when he saw them together he didn’t automatically look to see where Tsukishima was. Shoyou was tired of the heartache he felt when he looked at or thought of Tsukishima. He hated how good kissing him felt and how terrible he felt afterwards and how he knew that he was going to go back to him week after week.

“Is everything okay, Hinata?” Yachi asked him two days after he noticed her relationship status change.

He tried to smile at her, “I’m fine. How are things with you and Yamaguchi?” he teased.

She blushed and covered her face, “He asked me out and I said yes. How could you tell?”

Shoyou laced his fingers behind his head and leaned back casually, “You look at each other differently.”

Her smile fell a bit, “Are things with you and Tsukishima okay?”

“What!” he yelled, he had no idea why she would ask such a thing, “Why- why wouldn’t they be?”

She smoothed out her skirt, “In my last year of middle school,” she said quietly, and far more carefully than she usually spoke, “I realized that I was bisexual because I looked at boys and girls. I didn’t know if I was normal so I paid attention to who other people looked at. That’s how I figured out Tadashi liked me. And I think you’re like me.”

He nodded hesitantly, still unsure of where she was going.”Uh huh.”

“You look at everyone,” she continued, “You smile a lot at a girl in your class but you mostly look at Tsukishima. Kageyama is the opposite of you, no one catches his eye.”

Shoyou shuffled nervously, “What are you trying to say?”

She looked at him straight on, “Tsukishima only looks at you.”

He waved his arms around frantically, “Please don’t say anything to anyone! He-- We-- There’s nothing going on. He doesn’t want there to be...” his voice trailed off.

Yachi placed a hand on his arm, “You can tell me, if you’d like.”

He didn’t mean to tell her but he opened his mouth and words came pouring out. He told her about how he thought that Tsukishima had been flirting with him, how they kissed, how he was rejected. How they keep kissing. How he really likes Tsukishima but doesn’t know how he feels back.

“What do I do?” he asked at the end of his story.

She took his hands, “He likes you, I know he does.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” he mumbled, “He wouldn’t like that.”

“I won’t,” she shook her head, “I promise.”

* * *

 **Shoyou** : am i obvious?  
 **Kenma** : About?  
 **Shoyou** : being bi  
 **Kenma** : I don’t know. I don’t see you interact with a lot of people.  
 **Shoyou** : Yachi knew that I’m bi and that something was going on with Tsukishima  
 **Kenma** : She’s smarter than most of your teammates.

* * *

Shoyou didn’t want his entire being to be consumed by thoughts of Tsukishima. He missed when his brain was ninety percent volleyball and his grades were terrible as a result. But now he thought about kissing and was tutored.

To try and get back on track he visited Ukai at his shop.

“Ah, Hinata,” he said as he entered, “Just who I wanted to see.”

“Eh, me?”

Ukai chuckled, “I’ve been asking around about beach volleyball, you still interested?”

Shoyou rushed to the counter and leaned over into Ukai’s space, “Yes! That’s why I’m here! Have you heard anything?”

“Slow down kid,” he backed up a step so Shoyou wasn’t in his face, “So here’s the deal.”

* * *

Kageyama noticed that he and Yachi had gotten closer after their talk a few days ago and he'd been acting weird about it ever since. There was something about making friends with others that always had Kageyama acting weird though, but he wasn’t the most personable one on the team so Shoyou kind of understood.

In a weird way the two of them were friends. They argued and Kageyama tended to call him an idiot, even though he wasn’t that smart himself and Shoyou’s grades were better thanks to a certain someone’s help, but the two of them understood each other, especially on the court. So when Kageyama started acting apprehensive around him, he noticed.

Early in the morning when they were the only two people in the gym he threw a volleyball at his head. Kageyama caught it easily but that wasn’t the point.

“Oi, what’s your problem!” he yelled.

“What’s your problem?” Shoyou yelled back.

Kageyama’s face scrunched up in frustration, “You threw a ball at me, idiot, that’s my problem!”

“No, you’ve been acting weird for days,” Shoyou crossed his arms and waited.

“Oh,” Kageyama’s face fell, “It’s nothing.”

Shoyou picked up another ball and threw it at him, “We’re friends you idiot, tell me if something is wrong. You’ve been upset since Yachi and I became better friends. I can have more than one friend, Bakayama.”

He made another face, “I’m not jealous.”

“Do you want to come over this weekend?” Shoyou yelled.

“Yes!” Kageyama yelled back.

“Good!”

“Fine!”

Shoyou didn’t know why they were still yelling at each other, but things seemed to be resolved.

* * *

Kei must have realized that Shoyou was avoiding touching his sides because he hadn’t put his hands on Kei’s waist or hips since he panicked. Shoyou was trying to be respectful of his boundaries, he didn’t mind touching his hair or face or neck instead. But Kei, being Kei, was contradictory and confusing.

They had been kissing for a few minutes when Kei untangled Shoyou’s fingers from his hair and moved his hand down to his waist. It was obvious permission but he didn’t understand it. He broke the kiss with the intention of asking about it but Kei leaned forward and captured his mouth again.

“It’s fine,” Kei murmured against his lips, “I’m fine. Just no bare skin right now.”

Shoyou didn’t answer right away so Kei wrapped his hand around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss, and another, “It’s fine,” he said again.

He nodded and pressed his hand harder against Kei’s side. Kei squirmed slightly and groaned into his mouth appreciatively. Kei seemed to like when Shoyou touched him but Shoyou wasn’t sure how to deal with all of the conflicting feelings that came with that knowledge. He wished that he wasn’t so complicated. Why couldn’t he like someone simpler.

He kissed Kei softly, and when he smiled up at him with half lidded eyes and slightly crooked glasses, Shoyou knew that he was going to fall in love with him if he wasn’t careful.

* * *

 **Shoyou** : i really like him  
 **Kenma** : I know.

* * *

After their loss to Date Tech at Inter-High the five second years began having lunch together. A lot of the time they talked about volleyball, strategy and training, but an equal amount of time was spent dicking around and being friends.

Shoyou also used their group’s newfound closeness to start feeding Kei again. He was looking and feeling too skinny, and since Shoyou was intimately familiar with the contents of his kitchen he knew that he most likely wasn’t eating that much when he was home alone.

He also used their lunch time meeting to make an announcement.

"I want to talk to all of you."

Yachi paled immediately, "Are you dying? Please don't say you're dying. What are we going to do? I mean, ‘we’ as friends not ‘we’ as a volleyball club. I wouldn't be so insensitive to worry about volleyball when you're dying." Yamaguchi placed a hand on hers and she calmed down. "I'm sorry. What did you want to talk about?"

"Remember last year when I said I was going to do beach volleyball after high school? Well I have it all worked out now! I'm going to spend an extra year in Japan bef--"

"You're leaving Japan?" Kageyama cut him off before he could finish his explanation.

"Let me talk, Bakayama," he scolded lightly, "I'm going to spend one year here after I graduate and then I'm going to learn beach volleyball in Rio! That's in Brazil."

"We know where Rio is," Tsukishima said condescendingly.

But Kageyama tilted his head, "Where's Brazil?"

"South America," Yachi answered helpfully, "The other side of the world. Hinata what if you die on the other side of the world!"

Shoyou laughed, "I'm not going to die, I'm just going to play volleyball. I'll also join an indoor league while I'm there too. I was told to only stay there for two years and then come back home so that's what I'm going to do."

"Why?" Yamaguchi asked, "Why beach volleyball and why two years?"

He lit up, "I can learn so much by doing beach volleyball. There are only two people on a team and you need to worry about the sand and the wind. You absolutely have to do everything and be able to stand on your own. And the old coach from Shiratorizawa helped set everything up and he said two years," Shoyou shrugged, "I'm just listening. Besides, I'm not giving up on indoor volleyball forever."

"You know they don't speak Japanese there?" Tsukishima scoffed.

"Yes!" he quickly turned to him, "K-Tsukishima, will you help me learn Spanish?"

"You idiot!" he yelled, pointing his chopsticks in Shoyou’s face, "They don't speak Spanish either, they speak Portuguese!"

Shoyou tried not to be overwhelmed by how smart Tsukishima was, "Then help me learn that!" he blurted out. Maybe it was a bad idea to spend more time alone with him, but maybe it would be okay.

He put his chopsticks down, "I don't know Portuguese."

Shoyou smiled widely, "We can learn together!"

"Fine," he said after a minute, "But only because Yachi is going to worry about your inevitable death otherwise."

* * *

Shoyou was about to go meet up with Kageyama for lunch when Hana grabbed his sleeve and stopped him from leaving. Her grip was surprisingly strong and he almost fell over, and almost dropped his lunch on the floor, but he caught himself at the last second.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to trip you!” she bowed her head apologetically, “I just. Can we talk? For a minute. Alone?”

“Okay! Do you want to walk with me?” he laughed off her apology and checked his lunch to make sure that nothing was ruined.

She nodded hesitantly and followed him out of the room. Shoyou was headed to the vending machines to get a drink and figured they could talk on the way there, but Hana wasn’t saying anything which was unlike her. She even looked nervous.

He tilted his head, “Are you okay?”

“Here!” she took her hands out from behind her back, he hadn’t even noticed that she was hiding something, and shoved the newest volume of One Piece at him, “For you.”

He looked between the book and her determined expression a few times, “Wow, thanks! What’s this for?”

She took a deep breath, “I like you. Do you want to,” she faltered for a moment, “Do you want to go out sometime?”

Shoyou was not expecting that. He thought that Hana was cute and they were friends and she was fun to talk to but he had never really thought about dating her, but maybe that was because of whatever he had going on with Kei.

“Can I… Can I answer you tomorrow?” he asked quietly. He had a lot to think about.

It was Thursday, after all.

* * *

His first Portuguese lesson didn’t exactly go well, especially with his mind elsewhere, but at the end of it Kei made a face and promised to pick up some study guides and research how to learn a language on your own and Shoyou couldn’t help but jump him for his enthusiasm for teaching him.

And maybe because this would be the last time he would kiss Kei. Or Kei would become his boyfriend.

It had been a complicated day.

Kei’s lips were red and tantalizing and Shoyou held himself just out of reach because he loved how Kei reacted when he did. He twisted his hands in Shoyou’s shirt and tried to pull him down for more and when it didn’t work he let out a needy whine that Shoyou couldn’t help but kiss it out of him.

"Olá," he said awkwardly.

Kei snorted, "Your accent is terrible."

"How would you know!" he pouted, "You don't know how to pronounce it any better than I do."

"Olá," Kei said back, accenting the correct part of the word.

Shoyou groaned and flopped on top of him, positioning himself in such a way that Kei wouldn’t realize that he was half-hard just from kissing him. Kei wrapped his arms around him and ran his fingers through his hair, Shoyou wanted to stay like that with him forever, but they needed to talk.

"You should come to Rio with me as a translator," he blurted out. Shoyou flinched inwardly, he didn’t mean to start the conversation like that and he hoped he didn’t sound too needy.

"No thanks," he said casually, "I'm planning on going to college."

He picked his head up, "What do you want to study? Dinosaurs?" He eyed the dinosaur figures on the shelves.

"Archeology or history," he nodded, "I don't want to dig dinosaurs up but working in a museum would be nice."

Shoyou smiled at him softly, he liked Kei way too much, "You're so cool, Kei."

"Shut up," he grumbled. He rubbed his palms against Shoyou’s back anxiously.

Shoyou laid on top of him quietly, enjoying the intimacy of the moment and trying to build up the courage to talk to him.

"What?" Kei said, apropos of nothing.

He sat up so he was sitting on Kei's hips, pinning him in place so he couldn’t run away from this conversation, "Someone asked me out today," he said quietly.

Kei blushed and Shoyou recognized that they were in a compromising position but he didn’t plan on moving, "Oh," he mumbled.

"I told them that I needed to think about it and I would answer tomorrow. I-- Kei!,” he yelled, looking at him seriously, “Kei, ask me out!"

Kei stared at him for a long moment before reaching up and cupping Shoyou's cheek; Shoyou closed his eyes and quickly leaned into the touch, he knew what was coming, "I can't," he croaked out.

He nodded against Kei's hand and kept himself from kissing Kei’s palm, "I know," he said sadly, "But I had to try one more time."

"What are you going to tell... him? Her?" Kei licked his lips, he looked upset but he was the one who made the decision not to continue their not-relationship.

"Her," he confirmed, "I think I might say yes. She's cute and nice." He liked her even if it wasn’t in the same way he liked Kei.

Kei brushed his thumb against Shoyou’s lip, "Can I kiss you again?" he whispered.

Shoyou’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He knew that he should probably say no, that Kei just rejected him again, potentially for the last time, but he couldn’t deny himself one last kiss. He wanted to kiss Kei. He didn’t want to say goodbye.

* * *

 **Shoyou** : i think I broke up with Kei  
 **Kenma** : You can’t break up with someone you weren’t dating.  
 **Shoyou** : i ended our thing because someone asked me out  
 **Shoyou** : i gave him a chance but he said no  
 **Shoyou** : i like her so im gonna say yes  
 **Kenma** : I’m proud of you for moving on.  
 **Kenma** : But don’t play with her heart because he played with yours.

* * *

Before he could really process his change in relationship status Karasuno was off to Tokyo for another training camp. He was going to see Kenma in person again! It was weird going to a training camp without Daichi, Suga, and Asahi-- and Bokuto and Kuroo wouldn’t be there either-- but he was still psyched to go.

By the time they arrived all of the other teams were already there and playing but they didn’t have to travel nearly as far as they did. Even though matches were going he was immediately greeted by Lev, Kenma, and Inuoka. The other teams paused to say hello to their Karasuno friends and help them bring their things inside.

The first years were intimidated by the Tokyo teams but Shoyou tried to tell them that they weren’t as scary as they looked, even if they were all amazing players. But it was easy to be intimidated by the likes of Lev’s height or Kenma and Akaashi’s shrewd gazes. He tried to introduce their new team members around to the others but their break was over and it was game time again.

They weren't going to go with their standard rotation, instead they were going to rotate people in and out a lot more than usual to assess their strengths and weaknesses and to give them much needed breaks for what was definitely going to be a long week. Kageyama was still looking for a back up setter so he was going to be playing a different position for most of the day, if not the week.

They expected to lose but there was a lot to be learned from losing. By the end of the day they only won two sets and they won them by the skin of their teeth.

Afterwards they were free to do what they wished and for most of them that meant more training. Usually he would practice with Kageyama but he had his hands full trying to get Karasuno a second setter so for once Shoyou wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He looked around trying to figure out what the other groups were doing when he heard Tsukishima call out to some of the first years.

"Tajima, Fujiwara, you're with me. Extra blocking practice, let's go," He slowly turned towards Shoyou, "You can come too if you're not busy with the King."

Shoyou tried not to gape at him, he didn’t expect Tsukishima to do extra practice, take charge about it, or invite him along. He quickly made eye contact with Kenma to silently ask if he was seeing this as well. Kenma shrugged at him and pointed to the door where Tsukishima was leaving without him.

"So many crows!" Lev cooed when they entered the extra gym, Yamaguchi had joined them as well, "You're taking over! Maybe we should have brought more.

Akaashi sighed, "It's not a competition, it's just practice." he nodded at Tsukishima who was in charge of the Karasuno contingency, "Should we split into teams? We have enough for a 5-on-5 match."

Lev and Hinata tried to get them to split into first years against second and third years but everyone else rejected that idea outright. Instead they split into more even teams with a split between the years, skill level, and teams represented.

The match was fun. It was competitive but as they played they called out tips to each other and even from across the net they corrected each other's form. Despite fatigue setting in from playing all day against high level opponents, they were approving.

During dinner Kageyama sat next to him and grumbled about their setter situation and how he wasn’t a good teacher and how Suga would have been much better at this. Shoyou suggested he pretend to be Suga while training the first years but Kageyama called him a dumbass and didn’t take his idea seriously even if he meant it.

Shoyou was upset that he didn’t have more time to work one-on-one with Kageyama while they were there, he wanted to see if they could improve their quick attack, but finding a second setter was a much higher priority. At this point if Kageyama had to be taken out of a game they would be lost.

Kageyama nudged him and asked why Akaashi was looking at him. He didn’t know.

* * *

Akaashi approached him the next morning and asked him if it was true that he had a girlfriend. When he said yes Akaashi hmm’d at him and told him to have a nice day. It was weird.

* * *

The next three days were much of the same. They woke up early, ate breakfast, the teams stretched together in both solo and paired exercises, they had practice matches where Karasuno lost the vast majority and did penalty after penalty. The first years were getting very good at diving drills.

Shoyou was talking to Ennoshita about one of their all-out team attacks when Tsukishima called to him, “Oi, shrimp, help me with this.”

He gave Tsukishima a confused look, it looked like he wanted help refilling the water bottles but that was Yachi’s job. But if Tsukishima wanted to talk to him he wasn’t going to say no, “Okay,” he said eventually, “I’ll be right there.”

Tanaka also thought it was weird because he loudly asked "Do you think Tsukishima is going to kill him?" as they exited the gym.

Nishinoya scoffed, "Shoyou could take him."

Shoyou laughed quietly and looked up at Tsukishima, "What do you think? You think I could take you?" Tsukishima gave him an unimpressed look and didn't answer. "Where are we going?" He tried again to start a conversation.

He lifted the basket full of water bottles, "To fill these."

"Why do you even have those!" Shoyou threw his hands in the air exasperated.

"Yamaguchi and Yachi are dating and I thought I'd give them some time together."

"Really?” he looked up at him suspiciously, “That was nice of you." And if that was the only reason he was here then they weren’t going to talk about anything. Which was maybe for the best.

But as they got closer to the water fountains Tsukishima blurted out, "What does Kenma know?"

Shoyou looked up at him, "Huh?"

He sighed loudly, "What. Does. Kenma. Know." he enunciated clearly before quietly tacking on "about us."

"Oh," Shoyou said dumbly. He hadn’t really thought about the fact that Tsukishima was also smart and would probably notice Kenma watching him, "All of it, I guess. He knows that we, uh, study every week but that we have to stop now."

It was Tsukishima’'s turn to be confused, "Huh?"

"Girlfriend," was his entire explanation, "He also knows that you turned me down a bunch. Why?"

Tsukishima turned the tap and started to fill up the first bottle, "He keeps looking at me, it's annoying," he scoffed.

"Sorry," Shoyou turned on another tap so they could finish refilling everything faster, "I can tell him to stop. He's probably just trying to figure things out. I told him that I was confused."

Tsukishima hummed noncommittally and apparently that was the end of the conversation.

When they returned to the gym Tanaka and Noya tackled them causing the bottles to spill all across the floor while they wailed about how they were so proud no murders were committed. The rest of the gym stared at them.

* * *

“Kenma,” he sat down next to his friend, “Why are you looking at Tsukishima?”

Kenma looked up from his phone for just a moment, “I’m not.”

Shoyou bumped his shoulder, “You know what I mean.”

He clicked his tongue, “I’m trying to figure him out. When he’s not playing or watching your first year middle blockers he’s looking at you. Or trying not to look at you. He’s not even very subtle about it,” Kenma’s phone made a loud noise and he lost the game he was playing. He restarted, “He obviously likes you and doesn’t like that he likes you. I knew that from what you told me but seeing it is different.”

“How come?”

His eyes flickered up to look at Shoyou quickly, “He’s going to kiss you again,” he said instead of answering, “He’s stopping himself from being with you but I don’t think you having a girlfriend will stop him.”

Shoyou brought his knees to his chest, “I doubt he will.”

Kenma hummed, “How’s your girlfriend?”

“Fine. Good.”

“Not him,” he nodded, “Don’t string her along, you know that it hurts.”

He sighed, “I know. I do like her, I’m not trying to hurt her.”

* * *

By the end of the week, even though they were all exhausted, they left with the confidence in their teamwork and volleyball skills renewed.

* * *

Shoyou didn’t want to stop seeing his friends during lunch just because he started dating Hana so sometimes she joined him and his teammates and other times he joined her and her friends. Hana was friendly and remembered what Shoyou told her about everyone so she tried to start conversations with them on her own when they all ate together.

Some of them were more open to her than others.

Yachi had been confused when he first brought Hana around and introduced her as his girlfriend but after a quick conversation she understood the situation and warmed right up to her. Hana asked her about the posters she designed and Yachi happily told her all about how she did it and how helpful they had been to the volleyball club.

Yamaguchi noticed that Yachi and Tsukishima were acting weird around Hana initially but he chalked it up to his girlfriend’s anxiety and his best friend’s personality, so he easily welcomed Hana into their little group. Shoyou had told her that he liked girl groups and the two of them had a ball gossiping about various idols.

Kageyama didn’t care about her presence one way or another as long as Shoyou still played volleyball. Hana tried to talk to him about some of his self care routines but Kageyama wasn’t the best conversationalist. She won some points by bringing him milk one day without being asked.

Tsukishima was the only person who was hostile towards her in the beginning but after Shoyou shot down one of his jabs (“Look, even the shrimp’s girlfriend is taller than him” “maybe I like people taller than me”) he settled down at least a little bit. He still didn’t engage in conversation with Hana when she tried to talk to him, but it was better than nothing.

After a few weeks of joining them for lunch Hana turned to him when they were walking back to their classroom and said, “Your friends are nice, I like them,” she looked at the ceiling contemplatively, “But I don’t know if Kageyama or Tsukishima like me.”

Shoyou chuckled nervously, “Kageyama doesn’t make friends easily but he doesn’t not like you,” he tried not to sigh, “and Tsukishima… he’s a jerk.”

She laughed, “He is, isn’t he.”

* * *

Going to Tsukishima’s house to study and knowing that it wasn’t going to end in kissing was weird. They were tense around each other, like they knew it was wrong. (Studying together? Not kissing? Shoyou wasn’t sure which one was more wrong.)

Every once in a while Shoyou would get to a difficult problem and chew on his lower lip while he tried to work through it, and more often than not he’d look up and find Tsukishima looking at his mouth. He tried to stop chewing on his lip while he was working but he did it without thinking. It wasn’t his problem, though.

If Tsukishima wanted to kiss him, he shouldn’t have turned him down.

* * *

One of the perks of dating someone who actually wanted to be with you was you got to go on dates. Hana was happy to go out with him and hold his hand and be seen with him in public, something he constantly had to stop himself from thanking her for because he didn’t want to explain that he had been in a not-relationship with another boy who didn’t seem to want anything to do with him.

Hana was simple, she was happy to just walk around town with him and get something small to eat when he had free time. Shoyou was happy to spend time with her, he liked how easy it was to spend time with her, how he didn’t have to worry about anything when he was with her, that she was easy to talk to and laugh with.

Hana smiled basically the entire time they were together. From the moment they linked hands to start walking to the moment they parted she had a smile on her face. She was so unlike Tsukishima, they were opposites in every way. But Shoyou tried not to compare them, it wouldn’t be fair to compare them-- especially when he knew who would come out on top, even if it went against all logic and reasoning. No one had ever excused Shoyou of being smart.

On one of their dates they ended up at the park near Karasuno, where he first practiced with Kageyama back in the beginning of first year. He pointed out the spot where they practiced receiving and their teamwork, he didn’t mention that it was also where he met Tsukishima and Yamaguchi for the first time.

It was in that park, sitting on a bench after they had eaten some ice cream despite the cold weather, that Hana kissed him. Her lips were cold from the ice cream and the weather but they still felt soft, plumper than what he was used to-- he quickly tried to shake that thought from his head-- it was nice. Shoyou was slow to kiss her back but he felt her smile into the kiss when he did.

“Wow,” he said when they broke apart, “I’ve never kissed a girl before.”

She giggled, “I guess I’m your first kiss then!”

He chuckled nervously, she had misinterpreted his statement, not that he blamed her, but he didn’t want to correct her, so he nodded slightly, “I guess so,” he tried to smile back.

Hana didn’t seem to pick up on his nervousness and leaned in to kiss him again. This time he was ready for her and cupped her cheek to hold her close. He knew how Kei liked to be kissed and it was using more brain power than he expected to not fall into that pattern, and by trying to not do that he found himself thinking about Kei. It was frustrating.

“You’re a good kisser for someone who just had his first kiss,” she flirted.

He rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m a natural, I guess.”

Kissing Hana was nothing like kissing Kei. It didn’t leave his heart pounding or his world spinning. He kissed her again and tried not to think about it.

* * *

Math was dumb and no one ever needed it. At least that’s how he felt when Tsukishima handed him back his paper for the third time and told him that his answer was still wrong. It was dumb and he was frustrated that it was taking so long but he was determined to get it right. He held his head in his hand and tugged at his hair like it would make his brain work better.

After a few more minutes he pushed the paper back across the table, "Is it right now?" he begged.

Tsukishima squinted at it. Shoyou knew that it was difficult to follow because of all of the eraser marks and what he gave up on doing and crossed out but eventually he sighed, "Congratulations, you're not as big of an idiot as you seem."

"Yes!" Shoyou threw his hands into the air in celebration, "I don't even care that you insulted me. I'm finally done with the math homework!"

He collapsed backwards onto the floor with his hands still stretched out above his head. When his back hit the floor his legs flew up before he stretched them out so he could starfish on Tsukishima's floor. That work was hard and he was ready to take a nap.

He arched his back to stretch out from being hunched over the table for so long and let out a low groan.

Kei practically scrambled on top of him, placing one hand on Shoyou’s bare stomach and the other cupped his cheek to bring their lips together faster. Shoyou spared a second to think that Kenma was right. He wrapped his hand around Kei’s neck and kissed him back. Kei had never been on top of him before, his hand on his bare stomach burned.

Kei bit Shoyou's lip and he couldn’t help but moan. The Kei of his fantasies and the Kei of real life had never intersected like this before. For a moment Shoyou had managed to trick himself into forgetting how much he wanted him.

"Fuck," Kei whispered against his lips before biting him again. Shoyou laughed, Kei’s pupils dilated and he was panting lightly, how much he wanted him was so clear on his face, "Fuck,"

He slipped his hand behind Shoyou's neck and tried to rearrange them so they were in their usual position but Shoyou stopped him, "Kei, stop," he said even though he was initiating as many kisses as he was accepting, "We need to stop."

"Why?" Kei kissed his neck and he inhaled sharply, grabbing Kei's hair to keep him there, Kei had never kissed anywhere other than his mouth and it felt so good.

"I have a girlfriend." Kei bit him for reminding him and Shoyou whined. "Kei!"

Shoyou shoved him and Kei gave him an annoyed look, "What?"

He took a deep breath, he couldn’t believe that he was going to ask this again but he was going to give Kei yet another chance, "Do you want to go out?"

"No," he choked out. It looked like it hurt him to say but it didn’t matter because it hurt Shoyou to hear.

He shoved him again, "You can't have it both ways, Kei!"

Shoyou quickly shoved all of his things into his bag and stormed out of the house.

* * *

 **Shoyou** : i hate him!!  
 **Kenma** : He kissed you again, didn’t he?  
 **Shoyou** : how did you know he would?  
 **Kenma** : He stares at you.  
 **Shoyou** : no he doesnt he ignores me then kisses me then reject me  
 **Shoyou** : everytime  
 **Kenma** : You still like him though.  
 **Shoyou** : …  
 **Shoyou** : shut up

* * *

It was their last chance to qualify for Nationals and Shoyou knew that they were going to make it. He felt the team’s excitement and eagerness course through his body like an electric current. For once he didn’t feel anxious. He just knew that they were going to do it, they were going to win their ticket to Tokyo again.

Some of the first years were nervous but Shoyou laughed and told them that he felt confident so they just needed to rely on him, and somehow that lifted the mood.

It didn’t matter who felt anxious because once they were on the court everything else fell away, there were no problems to be seen and they worked together like a well oiled machine. No one would be able to guess that this was the same team that was having teamwork coordination issues just months before.

When the ball hit the floor and the last whistle blew, they were victorious again.

Karasuno stormed the court to celebrate their victory, Shoyou was too busy being tackled and congratulated to even look across the net to make sure the other team was okay, that devastation was familiar to them all. But he was swept up in the cheers and celebration and by the time they were lining up to thank everyone for their support he didn’t even feel tired or sore.

He was ready to go! They were headed to Nationals in Tokyo again.

With a year's more experience under their belt they knew that Nationals was rough but Shoyou still believed that they could win.

* * *

 **Shoyou** : headed to nationals!!  
 **Kenma** : Congratulations.  
 **Kenma** : See you there.  
 **Shoyou** : rematch!!

* * *

When Shoyou went into the gym he was surprised to see Tsukishima already there, a trolley full of volleyballs at his side, practicing his serve. He watched as Tsukishima lined up his serve, tossed the ball in the air, jumped, and SLAM-- the ball hit the floor on the opposite side of the net.

He did a jump serve.

He knew how to do that? The idea that he had been training in secret made him fill with pride.

"Tsukishima!" he yelled from the entrance of the gym, startling him enough to drop the ball he had just picked up, "You can do a jump serve!"

"No," he said reflexively, "I can only make it over the next about 80% of the time," he corrected.

"Teach me, teach me!" Shoyou jumped up and down as he crossed the room to get a closer look at his new serve.

Tsukishima frowned, "No. Ask the King or Yamaguchi, they would be better at teaching you to serve. Or Tanaka."

Shoyou pouted back at him, "Where did you even learn this? I've never seen you practicing it."

He picked up the ball he dropped and spun it between his fingers, "I've been training with my brother's team again. One of his teammates said that my serve was terrible and he'd show me how to make it better. I tried to tell him that my serve was consistent and easy to plan off of," he squeezed the ball, "but he got in my head and now I can do a jump serve 4 out of every 5 times."

"That's so amazing!" Shoyou beamed at him, he had been training in secret. That was so cool. Tsukishima was so cool.

"It's really not," he lined up his next serve and Shoyou took a few steps back to give him some room for his approach.

"Does anyone else know?"

He took a deep breath, readying himself, "Yamaguchi knows."

Shoyou brought a finger to his lip, "Does Captain Ennoshita know?"

"What part of only Yamaguchi knows did you misunderstand?" he scoffed.

"But Kei!" he said loudly, ignoring his slip up, "You need to tell him. Tell him so you can practice more here and use it at Nationals!"

He frowned again, "I don't want to use it at Nationals, I'll miss."

"No, no, no," he waved his hands around wildly, "you need to use it at Nationals. What if you don't miss?"

"I'll think about it."

Shoyou watched his next attempt. He missed.

* * *

They did worse than they did the year before where they made it to the quarter-finals. This year they didn’t even have the excuse of both him and Tsukishima succumbing to injuries or sickness. They simply lost. They weren’t good enough.

They didn’t even get to play Nekoma again, both of them had fallen before they could meet up. Kenma was graduating this year, so he couldn’t even say that they could try again next year. For some reason that hurt more than losing.

The current third years were graduating and Ennoshita had pulled them aside and told them to think about who they wanted to be their next captain. Shoyou had argued that it should be Tsukishima (and ignored the weird looks that everyone gave him for his recommendation), he did a great job teaching the first years how to block and he was the smartest one out of all of them but Kageyama said it should be Yamaguchi because not only was he smart and a good teacher but people actually liked him.

Eventually Tsukishima said that he didn’t want to be captain, that it would be too much work on top of preparing for college, so he gladly gave the title to a stunned Yamaguchi.

* * *

“Hana,” Shoyou said a few days after their loss at Nationals, “Do you want to meet up this weekend?”

She smiled at him, “Of course! I’ll meet you at the usual place?”

He nodded. It was going to be a long few days.

On Saturday they met up at a small fountain in a park near Karasuno. Shoyou had gotten there more than an hour before their agreed upon time but he had been so anxious that morning that he had to get out of the house. He rode his bike into town and locked it up nearby but he kept walking back and forth between his bike and the fountain like maybe he should leave now and deal with this later.

Hana arrived closer to their agreed upon time, her usual smile on her face. Shoyou felt terrible. He could have broken up with her a few days ago but he didn’t want to do it at school. He thought that it would be nicer to do it outside of school so she could go home right after. He wasn’t sure if that was true now that he was face to face with her.

Kenma was right though, he shouldn’t string her along if he couldn’t be in the relationship one hundred percent, and if the number of times he had thought about Kei while he was kissing Hana was any indication, he wasn’t in it all the way. But knowing that he was doing the right thing for both of them didn’t make actually doing it any easier. He still had to hurt one of his friends.

What if she didn’t want to be his friend after this? He’d probably deserve it but he hoped that they could remain close even if they weren’t dating.

Hana gave him a quick kiss on the cheek when she got to the fountain, “What did you want to do today?”

Shoyou smiled nervously at her, “Can we talk? For a second?”

“Sure,” she smiled and sat down next to him, “What’s on your mind?”

He licked his lips, wondering when his mouth had gotten so dry, “I really like you, but there’s someone who I like more so I think we should break up and go back to being friends,” he said quickly.

She blinked at him, taking a moment to parse what he had just said, “You like someone else? Who?”

“I can’t tell you,” he leaned closer to her, “I want to but if I want to have a chance with them I can’t.”

Hana nodded like that made complete sense, “We’re broken up then,” she said mostly to herself, “Can you… can you give me some time to decide if I want to keep being friends?”

He nodded his head rapidly, “Yes. Absolutely. Take time.”

“Well, I guess, bye then,” Hana stood up, smoothed out her skirt, and stiltedly walked away.

Shoyou’s shoulders sagged and he let out a long breath. He did it and it wasn’t as terrible as he thought it was going to be. If he still had a friend was to be determined but at least he couldn’t hurt her this way. It was better this way, he kept telling himself. If he was single again then he and Kei could… do whatever it is they were doing before Kei rejected him again. His heart pulled in his chest.

He did the right thing.

* * *

Shoyou pedaled hard to Kei’s house. Breaking up with Hana was the right thing to do and even though he felt bad about it, he was a bit relieved as well. Now he didn’t have to worry about if he was stringing her along until Kei decided that he wanted him. He let out a frustrated yell and kept pedaling.

Even if Kei didn’t want him the same way that Shoyou wanted him, there was still something between them and it was something worth exploring, he knew it was. Kei probably knew it was even if he was afraid to admit it. But Shoyou was determined to get something out of him, if not a confession of feelings then at least an admittance that he liked what was going on between them and would like to continue it.

When he arrived at Kei’s house he unceremoniously dropped his bike in the front yard and marched towards the door without locking it up. It was a safe neighborhood and he wasn’t worried about it being stolen. When he got to the door he tried the handle and found the front door unlocked so he let himself in without announcing himself, he wasn’t going to be stopped because Kei didn’t want to let him in the house.

The door closed behind him louder than he intended, most likely alerting Kei to his arrival, but he didn’t care. He quickly made his way to Kei’s room and let himself in there as well.

Kei was stretched out on his bed, sitting up slightly like he was getting ready to go examine what was making so much noise. Shoyou had a plan when he walked into Kei’s house, he did, but he could feel it all go out the window with one look.

“You should really lock your front door,” he said dumbly.

He could barely get out an “I did,” before Shoyou jumped on the bed and kissed him. He had never been on Kei’s bed before and the soft give of the mattress felt much nicer than the hard floor under his knees, he could easily get used to kissing Kei there.

He kissed Kei roughly, rougher than usual, trying to vent his frustrations of constantly being rejected and having to reject someone who actually liked him and wanted to be with him because he couldn’t get Kei off his mind. It was all his fault that he was ending another year of high school in such a confused state.

Shoyou shoved Kei’s shirt up but didn’t touch his bare skin, just teased him with the temptation of being touched-- Kei enjoyed his teasing kisses and always held back on touching Shoyou, so Shoyou figured that he would enjoy this particular brand of teasing as well. He leaned over him so his shirt brushed against Kei’s bare stomach and--

“Kei, do you know what that noise was?” Akiteru asked as he walked in the room. He paused for a second, taking in the scene before him, before chuckling lightly, “He’s good for you, we can talk about it later.”

Just as quickly as he walked in, he left.

Shoyou leaned back so he was sitting on Kei’s hips, “That went good! Your brother is really nice.” He looked down at Kei but he hadn’t moved since his brother entered the room. Shoyou waved a hand in front of his face, “Kei? Are you okay?”

Kei glanced at him with slightly wild eyes before going back to looking at the ceiling.

“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?” He said nervously. He had sort of seen this before but it seemed so much worse this time, he wasn’t sure what to do. Should he get Akiteru? Would that make things worse? He took a deep breath, he couldn’t help Kei if both of them were freaking out, that much was for sure.

“Okay. Okay, let’s calm you down,” he said mostly to himself, “I’m going to touch you a little bit, sorry.” This was one of those times he was sure that Kei didn’t want to be touched but it was necessary to get him comfortable. When his mother was depressed it was important that she was comfortable and he was running off of that knowledge, it was all he had to go on at this point.

Shoyou pulled Kei’s shirt back down and got off the bed. He wanted to get the blanket that Kei was laying on and put it on top of him so he lightly pushed Kei while he pulled on the blanket until it was free. Kei’s lack of a reaction made him nervous. Should he talk to him more while he did this? Was this enough? Shoyou covered him head to toe then looked around the room, he felt like needed something else.

He spotted Kei’s headphones on the table and decided music would probably help too. Kei almost always had them on hand so if anything, giving him music couldn’t hurt the situation. He plugged the headphones into Kei’s phone and silently thanked whoever made it so he didn’t have to unlock the phone to start playing music. He hoped that whatever started playing would be appropriate, he didn’t know what Kei had been listening to last or if it was suitable for whatever was going on now.

But then he didn’t know how loud or quiet to make the music. Loud enough to drown out whatever was happening? Quiet enough to not be overwhelming? He chose quiet and clicked the down button on the side a few times. Why did this have to be so complicated? He wished that the faraway look in Kei’s away would go away and he could ask what was going on and how he could help.

“I’m going to touch you again,” he announced to the room. Kei still didn’t react. He didn’t like it.

Shoyou slipped under the blanket with Kei and put the headphones on his head. They were backwards but he was too frazzled to notice.

“Should I leave?” he whispered even though he knew Kei couldn’t hear him over the music, “Sometimes my mom gets really upset and she likes me and Natsu to lay on top of her and she says the weight helps. Should I do that or not touch you?” He really wanted Kei to answer. He didn’t.

He left the blankets, leaving a small tunnel so Kei wasn’t only breathing stale air, and made his decision to go and talk to Akiteru. Before he left the room though, he paused and looked back. He didn’t know what was going on or how it was his fault, but he hoped that he did enough to help.

Akiteru was waiting for him in the living room with a cooling cup of tea like he had expected his brother to shut down after he walked in on them.

“Is Kei okay?” Akiteru asked quietly.

Shoyou shrugged, how was he supposed to know if Kei was okay, he didn’t even know what was happening to him, “He stopped talking and I tucked him in and put his headphones on him. What’s going on?”

“Kei probably wouldn’t like me telling you but since you saw it would be cruel not to,” he said more to himself, “ever since he was little when Kei was under a lot of stress he would dissociate. He mentally shuts down.”

“Why?” he demanded. He didn’t know what dissociate meant but he wasn’t so stupid that he couldn’t put the pieces together.

Akiteru took a sip of tea, “Has he ever really closed off on you before?” he asked.

“Yeah! Um,” he blushed, remembering the feel of Kei’s skin on his hands, “I touched his sides.”

He nodded, “That would do it. Have you ever wondered why Kei has such good posture?”

Shoyou could not follow this conversation, it felt like it was bouncing around at random, “No?”

“That’s fine,” Akiteru chuckled humorlessly, “Our father was not a good person. He didn’t like that Kei was not like a normal child. He rarely spoke and other kids didn’t like him. So our father bullied him. One of the things was he always told Kei to stand up straighter and would berate him if he even thought he was slouching. Our mother and I tried to stop him but he still yelled and Kei still listened. Now, I don’t think he knows how to relax.

“Our father wasn’t around a lot so he didn’t see how quickly Kei grew. Kei has stretch marks on his shoulders, sides, and thighs because he couldn’t keep up with how fast he was growing. One day our father came home drunk and saw him without his shirt and yelled at him. We didn’t even understand what for. But Kei shut down hard.”

“That’s terrible!” He yelled. There was no reason for a parent to make a child feel bad about themselves. He clenched his hands into fists, he had always known that there was a lot more to Kei than he knew, but he didn’t know that it would be like this.

Akiteru nodded, “You’re too young for sex so don’t have it, but if you and Kei ever try you should know that Kei will probably have an extremely difficult time because of his thighs.”

Shoyou made a face, “We’re not dating, you don’t need to worry about that.” He hoped he didn’t sound too much like a child, it wasn’t his fault that the two of them weren’t dating.

“You’re not?” he asked, surprised, “So you broke into my house to kiss my brother because you’re not dating?”

“Yes!”

Akiteru laughed, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Kei doesn’t want to go out with me,” he buried his face in the cup of tea, “He won’t admit that he likes me.”

“Now that does make sense. People always bothered Kei for being different, he doesn’t want to be more-different,” he nodded to himself like he said something extremely wise, “I love my baby brother but is he worth the heartache? And you’re going to leave the country after you graduate, is it worth breaking his heart too?”

Shoyou slammed the mug on the table, “Long distance relationships exist! Why won’t anyone give us a chance!” He was so tired of everyone giving up on them before they could even try! It was like he was the only one who thought that maybe they would work as a couple, that maybe they could date and enjoy themselves and fall in love. Everyone else dismissed him and he was tired of it.

Akiteru looked taken aback, “I didn’t know you liked him so much.”

He crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, “Well, I do.” He didn’t care if he looked like a petulant child anymore.

“I’m glad.”

Shoyou sagged in his seat, “What am I supposed to do if he dissociates around me?”

“If he’s home, what you did is great. He tends to sleep it off and pretend that it never happened. It isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism but it’s the only one he has right now,” Akiteru sighed, “If he does it while you’re out, try and lead him somewhere safe and quiet. If you can get him to drink water that tends to help too, but you need to minimize the stimulation.”

“Minimize the stimulation,” Shoyou you repeated. He barely knew what that meant but he nodded anyway. He could do some research at home later.

Akiteru gave him a hard look, “You really like my brother, huh?”

“Yeah,” he said sadly, “I do.”

* * *

 **Shoyou** : you dont tell anyone about things we talk about right?  
 **Kenma** : No.  
 **Kenma** : What did he do now?  
 **Shoyou** : will you help me research something?  
 **Shoyou** : also i broke up with Hana  
 **Kenma** : Hmm.  
 **Kenma** : Alright.

* * *

When Kei stopped talking to him for the rest of the year, he wasn’t even surprised.


	6. Chapter 6

Shoyou hovered outside his mother’s door, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot as he tried to psych himself up to talk to her. He wasn’t afraid of her, nor did he worry about how she was going to react to what he wanted to talk to her about, he was just anxious.

Seeing Kei dissociate and the subsequent talk he had with Akiteru were keeping him up at night and even though he researched what he could, he still wanted to talk to her. Shoyou knew what anxiety felt like, he felt it before games and tests, but that was something that came and went, something that with enough determination or distraction he could rid himself of. He didn’t understand what it was like for Kei or his mother who had to worry about their brains doing weird things to try and protect them.

He also didn’t know what it was like to have his parents berate him or speak poorly to him like Kei did, he didn’t know how that could affect things or if there was something that he should or shouldn’t do around him.

He just didn’t know.

Shoyou knocked on the door and let himself in after his mother called out a quiet “come in”. It was late, Natsu had been asleep for a few hours at this point and his mother was getting ready to go to sleep herself, but when she saw Shoyou looking upset in her doorway she stopped what she was doing and beckoned him closer.

“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked gently.

Shoyou made a face. What wasn’t wrong? He wasn’t sure where to begin except maybe at the beginning. He took a seat next to her on the bed and took a deep breath, “Mama, is it okay if I like a boy?”

She looked surprised at the question but recovered quickly and smiled warmly at him, “Of course it is. Is there a boy?”

He nodded slowly as he stared intently at his hands, “Tsukishima, my teammate who has been tutoring me. I-- I like him a lot, and I think he likes me.”

“You think?” she pressed a bit but when he didn’t answer right away she continued, “Anyone with good taste would like you.”

Shoyou gave her a half smile, “I know he likes me,” he corrected, “But he doesn’t like me enough to date me? Or he thinks he doesn’t deserve it? I don’t know, he’s so confusing. He always kisses me and then when I ask he says he doesn’t want to go out but he always looks so upset when he says it and I don’t know what to do because he--” he stopped when he realized he was rambling.

She bumped his shoulder, “He?”

He took a deep breath, “Last time we were kissing he… something happened. His brother saw, his brother was fine with it but Kei panicked and he,” Shoyou took another deep breath, he didn’t want to go spreading Kei’s secrets but talking it out with his mother should be safe, “He dissociated? Apparently he does that sometimes when he’s stressed and something about his parents. I don’t know, I only saw his mother once but they don’t live there and he’s mostly by himself.”

“He lives by himself?”

Shoyou shrugged, “His older brother is there a lot but he lives in a different city so isn’t there every day. I know his father doesn’t live there and maybe his mother is there sometimes?”

She put an arm around Shoyou’s shoulders, “He’s had a tough life for someone so young, hasn’t he,” Shoyou curled into her and nodded, “If you like him and he likes you, the best you can do is be there for him. Talk to him about how you can do that.”

He buried his face into her shoulder, “He’s not talking to me right now.”

She pulled him closer, “Baby, I’m sorry that your first love is making you hurt instead of making you feel like you can fly.”

“I don’t-- He-- I--” he sputtered out, embarrassed that his mother so easily said that he loved Kei. But eventually he nodded, “He does both.”

* * *

Even though they had practice over break, Tsukishima still wasn’t talking to him. It left Shoyou in a foul mood, they would have to talk eventually, even if it was just to talk about the new first years they were going to get once school was back in session and how best to train them, they were third years now and it was going to be their job to make sure everyone was on top of their game.

But Tsukishima kept his distance and Yamaguchi was a bit overwhelmed by his new captain's responsibilities to notice that his two middle blockers weren’t on speaking terms again. Shoyou didn’t blame Yamaguchi for anything, preparing to lead a team and trying to teach Kageyama how to not scare a bunch of first years was a lot of work. He still wished that there was someone around to help him though.

Yachi noticed that he was down and waved him over, “Are you okay?” she asked quietly as she handed him a towel.

He draped the towel over his head to soak up some of the sweat, “Practice is going good,” he said, purposefully not answering the question she had asked.

Her eyes trailed over to Tsukishima who was openly practicing his jump serve in front of the team. Shoyou hated how much it made his chest swell with pride to see him pushing himself to advance. When Yachi noticed him looking as well she placed a hand on his arm, “You two aren’t talking again.”

It wasn’t a question but he nodded and agreed with her, “He’s avoiding me.”

“Tadashi told me that,” she paused like she was considering maybe she shouldn’t break her boyfriend’s confidence, “he said that Tsukki was keeping something from him but it’s only a matter of time before he tells him. Do you think he has more secrets than just you?”

Shoyou looked over to where Yamaguchi was talking to Kageyama. If anyone here knew about Tsukishima’s history with dissociating it had to be his best friend, that probably wasn’t a secret. Shoyou shook his head no, “It’s probably just me,” he offered Yachi a small smile, “I hope he tells him.”

“He will,” she said confidently.

“Do you know how he is?” He didn’t have to be looking at Tsukishima for her to know that’s who he meant.

She let out a small sigh, “More withdrawn than usual.”

Shoyou nodded, he wished that he would open up some more, but it wasn’t his place to push.

* * *

**Shoyou** : can i ask you something personal?  
 **Kenma** : Um.  
 **Kenma** : Sure.  
 **Shoyou** : so youre asexual  
 **Shoyou** : do you still think people are pretty  
 **Shoyou** : or get aroused?  
 **Kenma** : Before I answer this, are you actually asking about me or does this have to do with Tsukishima?  
 **Shoyou** : …  
 **Kenma** : Just ask your real question.  
 **Shoyou** : it can be both!!  
 **Shoyou** : fine  
 **Shoyou** : could he like me and be asexual? because i dont think he ever got hard when we kissed  
 **Kenma** : I’m sure that has nothing to do with him being terrified of being caught.  
 **Kenma** : That was sarcasm.  
 **Kenma** : He could be asexual  
 **Shoyou** : I know what sarcasm is!  
 **Kenma** : But it’s not my place to label him.  
 **Shoyou** : okay  
 **Shoyou** : so what about you?  
 **Kenma** : Oh, so now you want to know about me…  
 **Shoyou** : kenmaaa

* * *

Shoyou couldn’t believe that he was in his last year of high school. It didn’t seem like that long ago he was riding his bike through town and passing by the electronics shop playing the Karasuno Nationals game on television. Now it was only a matter of time before he graduated from Karasuno himself. He was getting a bit ahead of himself though, first he had to make it through his final year.

There was one thing he was dreading about his third year classroom, running into Hana. They hadn’t spoken since he broke up with her and he didn’t even think about reaching out to her over the break because he was so caught up in what happened with Tsukishima right after. He hoped that she didn’t hate him, she didn’t try to contact him either, but he didn’t know if he’d be entering to a friendly face or a cold shoulder.

Shoyou peeked around the door to see if she was in the class yet and saw her distinctive long hair facing away from him, peering out the window. He took a deep breath and braced himself, it was now or never.

With a few quick steps he crossed the room and sat in the empty seat in front of her.

“Hi,” he said hesitantly, inwardly flinching at how his voice cracked.

Her eyes slowly traveled from the courtyard below to his waiting face, “Hi,” she said back quietly, “Did you have a good break?”

He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to answer that. ‘Yes, I had a great break after we broke up’ and ‘no I had a terrible time after breaking up with you’ both seemed wrong. He nodded hesitantly, “I spent most of it playing volleyball, we want to make it to Nationals again.”

She smiled at him, it wasn’t as bright as it was in the past but it was just as welcoming, “Do you think you’ll make it?”

“I haven’t met any of the new first years but I think so. We’re a strong team!”

Hana laughed lightly, “You’re as excitable as always. I missed you over break.”

“Yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I was busy, sorry.”

She waved a hand dismissively, “It would have been awkward anyway. But I think we can be friends.”

* * *

After classes ended they made their way to the gym to meet their new recruits. Yamaguchi was already overwhelmed. There were ten new volleyball club members, three of which have never played but wanted to join anyway. Some of the first years were tall though, Karasuno had never been a particularly tall team, and Shoyou could see that Tsukishima was already mentally working out what he could do with that. He tried not to smile at him.

Yamaguchi lined up their new first years and had them all introduce themselves. There were so many of them that all of their names got jumbled up, but Shoyou knew it was only a matter of time before he learned them. For their first day they didn't do anything too intensive, the second and third years helped figure out the skill levels of their newcomers and taught the basics of the game to those who had no idea. By the end of practice he split the first years into two teams (5-on-5 was a far cry from the supplemented 3-on-3 match they had in their first year) and set a practice match for one week from now.

It was interesting to watch Yamaguchi work. He was soft spoken but everyone listened to him. He didn't have to raise his voice to take charge of the room. He was different from how he was in first year, but they all were, Kageyama was more aware of his teammates and Tsukishima didn’t pretend that he didn’t care about volleyball. Shoyou wondered how he changed.

Over two years Shoyou and Tsukishima had worked out a fairly good blocking system based on both game sense and trust. The previous year they also worked out a decent way to help train up new middle blockers. This year they were completely out of sync. Everyone could tell that there was something wrong with them; they didn't even have their usual banter. Those familiar with them knew that they often ran hot and cold with each other but whatever issues they had with each other rarely bled over to the court.

Lately they were completely unable to read each other. Tsukishima would block and Shoyou wouldn't be there protecting against the cross shot. Shoyou would one-touch and Tsukishima wouldn't follow up in time because he thought the spike would be killed.

When they tried to instruct the first years they couldn't agree on a course of action or what drills to start with. More than once Tajima and Fujiwara had to step in and take over.

It got bad enough that Yamaguchi pulled Tsukishima aside to talk about it. Shoyou wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation but instead he called for a toss to try and distract himself. He wasn’t that surprised when a bit later Yamaguchi pulled him aside to talk as well and Shoyou wished he knew if Yamaguchi was aware of his not-relationship with Tsukishima.

"What's going on with you and Tsukki?" his friend asked.

"Nothing," Shoyou said a bit too quickly, "I know I haven't been playing my best, I'll try harder." He knew that he was deflecting but he needed a bit more time to work things out.

* * *

He thought that Yamaguchi would have given him more time but the next day him and Yachi approached him before practice to talk.

“What’s going on?” he demanded.

Yachi gave him an apologetic look.

Shoyou felt his shoulders fall, “He’s avoiding me again. I don’t know.”

“Why?” Yamaguchi demanded again.

“I don’t know!” Shoyou shouted. He hoped that Yamaguchi heard the hidden ‘I can’t tell you’ in there, “Why does Tsukishima do anything?”

A weird look crossed Yamaguchi’s face and he nodded stiffly, “Okay. Thank you. See you at practice.” He walked away from them seemingly lost in thought.

Shoyou turned to Yachi but she was just as confused as he was.

* * *

“Oi, Kageyama,” Shoyou yelled at his partner during their early morning practice.

Kageyama scowled at him, “What? I’m already tossing to you?”

Shoyou picked up a volleyball and spun it in his hands. He’d been agitated lately and felt like he needed to do something and working with Kageyama was good for leveling up his volleyball skills, “Do you think we could be faster?”

He lowered his eyes, “What do you mean?”

“The zoomy set with the pow jump, do you think we can do it faster?” he threw the ball up and caught it easily, “It’ll be more power and more speed, yeah?”

Shoyou threw the ball in the air again but Kageyama caught it when it was above his head, “Do you think you can hit a faster set?” he smirked challengingly.

He shoved Kageyama’s arm, “You know I can!”

* * *

Kageyama and Shoyou had finally made some progress on their new quick attack so they decided to join the others for lunch for the first time in over a week. Yachi and Yamaguchi smiled and waved them over when they entered the classroom to join them. Tsukishima barely looked up at them but Shoyou didn’t expect much from him, especially when the others were around.

Shoyou fell into an easy conversation with Yamaguchi about how their quick was coming along and he was about to talk to Yachi about how the search for a new manager was going when Tsukishima cut him off.

"Hinata," he said suddenly. Shoyou’s head practically shot towards him, ready to listen to whatever he had to say "do you still need tutoring this year."

His eyes widened and he chewed on his tongue to stop himself from saying what he was really thinking, but it was unusually bold for Tsukishima to bring up their tutoring sessions in front of the others considering what they really were, "I'm not sure yet," he said slowly.

"Oh," Yachi said brightly, "Are your classes easier this year? Tsukishima's tutoring must have paid off!"

"Something like that," he laughed awkwardly.

Shoyou took a few moments to let the thudding of his heart die down and after he finally got to ask about the hunt for a new manager, he subtly moved more food in front of Tsukishima, he didn’t have to touch him to know that he was eating less again. Tsukishima ate the food without complaining and Shoyou thought that maybe they would be okay.

* * *

Shoyou was showing one of the new first years the proper way to run up for a spike when he heard Yachi yell and start to apologize over and over again. But what really caught his attention was Tsukishima standing ramrod straight, white knuckling a volleyball, trembling slightly. Shoyou excused himself and quickly made his way over, noticing that Yamaguchi, Coach Ukai, and Takeda-sensei were doing the same.

“What’s going on?” Ukai said to Yachi when he got there.

Shoyou saw the familiar blankness in Kei’s face and pried the volleyball out of his hands, “He’s dissociating,” he said, sparing a glance at Yamaguchi and barely registering his surprise, “Kei, are you okay?”

Kei didn’t respond but Shoyou didn’t expect him to. What did Akiteru tell him he needed to do? Minimize the stimulation.

“We knew this could happen,” Takeda-sensei said gently, “We just need to…”

“We need to get Kei out of the room,” Shoyou spoke up. He reached out to take Kei’s arm, hesitated because he didn’t want to make things worse than they already were, but decided getting him out was better than letting everyone stare at him. He lightly took Kei’s arm and put his other hand on his lower back so he could lead Kei out of the room. He was lucky that when he pushed Kei began walking because he really didn’t want to to carry him out.

Shoyou looked around the gym at all of their teammates who weren’t even pretending not to look at them, “I’m going to take him outside,” he said firmly, “Yamaguchi can you…” he didn’t know what to say. Lessen the damage so your best friend wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Yamaguchi nodded seriously, “Hitoka, can you get Tsukki’s water bottle? He’s very dehydrated,” he called out so everyone would hear.

If Shoyou wasn’t busy holding Kei up he would have hugged him, dehydration was a great cover story and Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei went along with it right away.

When Shoyou reached the doors of the gym Yachi tucked Kei’s water bottle under his arm so he wouldn’t have to let go of him. She gave him a worried look and a wry smile but closed the door behind them to give them some time before someone came looking for them.

Kei’s trembling turned to shivering when they went outside, the air was cold and they were covered in sweat but Shoyou knew that getting him outside the gym was better than keeping him inside, even if he got a cold after. Shoyou hovered a few steps from the door wondering where they should go when he noticed Kei’s fingers tensing. It made sense, he thought, Kei used his hands to ground himself.

Shoyou let go of him for a moment so he could hand Kei his water bottle but he swayed unsteadily on his feet as soon as Shoyou stopped touching him.

“No, no, no,” Shoyou said, putting his hand back on Kei’s lower back, “Don’t fall.”

He watched Kei bring the bottle to his mouth and stare blankly at it when no water came out. Shoyou had handed it to him with the spout closed.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he reached up to pop it open, “It should work now.”

Kei didn’t try to drink it again, he probably didn’t hear or see Shoyou fix it, so he nudged it closer to his mouth until Kei mechanically put the spout in his mouth and sipped on the water.

That was one thing down, but Shoyou figured that they needed to go somewhere, that standing right by the door wasn’t the best idea, “C’mon, Kei, we’re going for a walk,” he applied a small amount of pressure on Kei’s lower back again and he started to walk, “Just around the corner. Not far.”

He led Kei around the corner of the gym and propped him up against the wall. He was oddly heavy for someone who barely ate but at this point he was mostly dead weight. Kei didn’t stay on his feet for long though, he slid down the wall until he was sitting, ignoring how the rough wall cut into his arms.

“Kei!” he tried to stop him from hurting himself but Kei was determined to sit down, “Let me see your arms.” He gingerly took one of Kei’s arms and looked at the angry red scrape. He didn’t draw any blood at least. Shoyou let out a long sigh, he wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to do.

Shoyou sat down next to him and brought his knees to his chest. He rested his chin on his knees and watched as Kei absentmindedly sipped on the water.

"Do you want more?" he asked after a few minutes. Kei turned and looked at him. "Oh! You responded. I've been talking to you but you haven't noticed anything."

Kei stared at him with unfocused eyes, "I made a scene."

Shoyou shook his head, "We told them you were dehydrated and Yamaguchi and Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei are going to give them a lecture on getting enough water and eating right. Those are important things anyway."

"Right," he seemed unconvinced. Or confused. Or tired. Maybe all three.

"Um. Sensei wanted to call your mom but Yamaguchi told them not to but wouldn't explain, so when you're feeling better you'll probably need to talk to him,” Shoyou had heard them talking when he was trying to get Kei out of the gym and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to Kei right now so this seemed good.

Kei pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, Shoyou had seen him after he played five sets against Shiratorizawa but right now he looked way more tired, "She wouldn't come anyway. I'll text Akiteru and Yamaguchi can walk me home after practice."

Shoyou was quiet for a moment, surprised that Kei had told him that much, "Are you okay?" he asked eventually.

"Aki made me tell Coach and Sensei my medical history so they knew this was a possibility. I shouldn't get kicked off the team," he deflected.

"That's not what I asked."

"I'm fine now," he took a few deep breaths, "there has been a lot going on, but I'm fine now."

Shoyou held himself tighter, he wanted to reach out and hold his hand and stroke his hair and tell him that everything would be okay. Instead he watched Kei stand up and waver slightly on his feet, watched him spend a moment running his palm over the rough exterior of the building as he got his bearings, and watched him walk away.

* * *

**Shoyou** : im gonna try again  
 **Shoyou** : i have a new tactic  
 **Kenma** : Good luck, I guess.

* * *

Shoyou was busy working out what his new tactic to win over Kei was going to be when Kei approached him during morning practice. He thought that Kei was going to talk to him about blocking strategies or the best way to train up some of their less experienced first years, but instead Kei surprised him. He was constantly surprising him.

"Do you want to keep working on Portuguese together?” he asked seemingly out of nowhere before blushing slightly and adding, “It doesn't have to be at my house."

Shoyou looked up at him and wondered if he had been replaced by a pod-person or something but he nodded regardless, “I would like that,” he smiled widely, “It was so hard trying to do it by myself. How did I get so used to you teaching me things."

"Two years of being stuck together," Kei shrugged.

"Nah," he said dismissively, "You like me." Shoyou wanted to slap a hand over his mouth when he realized what he said, he didn’t want to immediately get on Kei’s bad side, "I mean. We're friends now. You choose to help me."

Kei shrugged again, "Whatever."

Shoyou let out a breath, that went surprisingly well.

The following Thursday Shoyou followed Kei home again. He thought that it would be awkward being back but they fell into an easy routine. They managed to act like normal people and there was no tension. It was almost like they actually were friends.

After all of their normal homework was done and they had a refresher Portuguese lesson, they weren't sure what to do. Now was about the time they usually started kissing but Shoyou didn’t think that it was the right time, no matter how much he’d love to get back on top of him.

"Thanks for your help," he said as he began packing up his stuff, "Can I come back next week?"

"Yeah. Yes,” Kei said awkwardly, like he was surprised that Shoyou was leaving already, “If you're planning on graduating you need all of the help you can get."

Shoyou smiled at him, he liked him so much, "Don't be mean to me," he said affectionately.

"I'm always mean," he replied in the same tone.

Unlike every other time, Kei walked him to the front door to let him out. Shoyou had his hand on the door handle when he made up his mind. He turned back around, grabbed a handful of Kei’s shirt, and pulled him down for one swift kiss.

"Thanks again," he smiled up at Kei but fled before he could answer.

His mother was definitely right. He was in love with Kei.

* * *

**Shoyou** : ughhh  
 **Kenma** : Sigh  
 **Kenma** : What did he do now?  
 **Shoyou** : he got new glasses  
 **Shoyou** : he’s so pretty

* * *

Shoyou wrapped his hand around the back of Kei’s neck and pulled him down for another kiss. He hadn’t meant to initiate anything during their study session but Kei kept looking at him through his pretty new glasses that Shoyou couldn’t help but scoot his way around the table until they were sitting next to each other and leaned up to capture his mouth in one quick kiss. Except that one quick kiss turned into another and another.

Kei was more than happy to abandon their science homework in favor of kissing, which didn’t exactly help.

The angle was different though, Shoyou didn’t scramble into his lap or push Kei on to the floor so he could hover over him, he simply leaned up and over, one hand on Kei’s neck pulling him down, the other placed gently and carefully on his thigh. He had felt the muscle jump when he first touched him, but Kei didn’t push him away.

“You’re so pretty,” Shoyou whispered against his lips. Kei groaned softly and kissed him again, Shoyou wanted to hear that sound forever, “I like your new glasses,” he told him again.

“Thank you,” Kei whispered back, kissing him again and again.

“I like you,” he said, pulling back slightly so he could look up at Kei’s darkened and half-lidded eyes.

Kei licked his lips and his throat bobbed, “Thank you,” he said again.

* * *

When Shoyou got home and found Natsu cooking herself dinner, he was immediately worried. She was twelve and perfectly capable in the kitchen but it wasn’t like her to cook for herself or the family if she didn’t have to. Her presence in the kitchen signaled what was really wrong, their mother wasn’t there.

Natsu noticed him looking around frantically and whacked him with the whisk she was using, sending droplets of sauce everywhere, “She’s fine,” she scolded, “She told me work was bad and I told her to take a nap. Stop worrying.”

Shoyou chewed on his bottom lip, “If you say so.”

* * *

Shoyou loved training camps. There was nothing better than living and breathing volleyball for multiple days in a row. He loved the exertion and feeling the strain of his muscles, winning sets and penalty drills, the camaraderie that came with being so close to your teammates for so long. It was no secret that Shoyou was an extrovert, he thrived when surrounded by others.

It was only a weekend camp so they weren’t going to see any of the Tokyo teams but spending those few days together would work wonders for their teamwork.

The camp was the same one they had gone to when they were in his first year. It was still a bit run down and it still smelled like sweat and needed a good cleaning but it was comfortable and homey nonetheless-- not that they were going to be there other than to sleep and eat anyway. After they dropped off their belongings they quickly made their way to the volleyball court to warm up.

The first day of the camp was demanding in the best of ways. They split into two teams for practice matches and played set after set, called toss after toss, spiked and block and ran until they were covered with sweat. Shoyou felt his body working to keep up with his taller teammates, it was a feeling he loved, it was something that was so intrinsically tied to volleyball that if he didn’t tire himself out even a little bit then he would feel as if he didn’t do enough.

The first years spared better than he thought they would, even the few with no volleyball experience. Shoyou loudly lamented that none of them had ever thrown up due to overexertion like he had to try and raise their spirits when he saw they were dropping. A few of them snickered at him but they were drowned out by Tsukishima and Kageyama outright laughing at him.

At the end of the day all twenty of them piled into a room to roll out futons and got ready for bed. As third years they got to use the bath first (during which Shoyou purposefully spent the time arguing with Kageyama so he didn’t have to think about how close he was to his naked crush), but after everyone washed the team split into smaller groups to socialize before lights out was called.

Shoyou was going to talk to Yamaguchi, Kageyama and Yachi (who had peeked her head in to say goodnight but was drawn into conversation), but Masahiro stopped him to ask about his footwork.

He was happy to talk to him about it until Yamakawa, one of their new first years, jumped up and loudly announced "Alright! My man has a boyfriend!" effectively bringing all other conversation in the room to a halt.

Yamakawa and the two guys he was talking with all froze, waiting for anyone else to react. When no one moved or said anything Morishita paled and quickly glanced around the room. It was a look that Shoyou was familiar with, he had seen it on Kei a few times. He saw it on Kei now but no one was looking in his direction so his secret was still safe.

Shoyou was oddly relieved by that.

The silence went on for too long so Shoyou laughed awkwardly, bringing the attention to him, "Nice! Does he go to our school or play volleyball?"

Morishita nodded stiffly, “He- He goes to our school, yeah.”

“Congratulations!” Shoyou smiled widely at him and tried not to show anything other than acceptance.

That seemed to be enough because soon others were congratulating him or lamenting their own single status. But no one seemed to mind that he was dating another boy, no one minded that he was gay. A weird weight lifted from Shoyou’s chest, he had never actually worried that the team would reject him for who he loved, especially if that person was Kei, but it was still nice to have that confirmed.

Yachi subtly got his attention and drew his attention to Kei before she slipped back out of the room. Kei was clutching his phone so tightly that Shoyou worried he was going to break it, but his eyes were clearer than when he was dissociating so he was pretty sure he was okay on that front. Shoyou kept a discrete watch over him until Kei stood up and left the room.

Shoyou waited a respectable three minutes before following after him, giving Kei time to possibly calm down and to make it not look like he was following him. He found Kei at the end of the hallway with his knees pulled to his chest blankly scrolling through his phone.

Shoyou sat down next to him, keeping a small amount of distance between them, "So what do you think about it?" he asked carefully.

Kei only hummed in response but at least he was responsive.

"No one minded. It was nice."

"Hinata," Kei put down his phone, "please stop. You know I don't want to do this."

"Why not, Kei?" he pushed even though he could hear how stressed he was.

Kei glanced down the hall and when he saw no one there he grabbed a handful of Shoyou’s hair and pulled him in for a hard and unexpected kiss, "You know I can't do this Shoyou. Don't make me, please," he whispered back.

He nodded quietly. There was so much packed into what he said, the use of Shoyou’s given name, a please, an unspoken ‘please don’t make me reject you again’.

Shoyou knew that he shouldn’t have pushed, it wasn’t part of his plan to win Kei over. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his cheek against them, watching as Kei continued to scroll through his phone without actually seeing anything. He watched as Kei took deep, measured breaths. Shoyou wanted to tell him that he was pretty again, but he knew that Kei wouldn’t react well to the compliment right now.

After a few more minutes they went back to the room with everyone else, slipping in right before lights out. As Shoyou laid on his futon he realized-- Kei kissed him in a public place. He wondered if Kei would talk to him the next day.

* * *

Shoyou’s life would be easier if Kei was a bad kisser. But Kei’s mouth was talented and made Shoyou feel weak in the knees. When he was hovering on top of him he tried not to think about other talents his mouth might have, and as he groaned lightly into Kei’s mouth he was grateful that Kei never let his hands wander because Shoyou was already doing his best to keep himself from going too far.

He didn’t particularly care for how Kei tightly wound his hands into the hems of his shirt, pulling them out and stretching them with his fingers, but he knew it was better that way for both of them. Shoyou wanted Kei to touch him, but he didn’t know how Kei would react if he did.

He was also grateful that Kei let him touch him. He knew that he could cup Kei’s cheek or run his fingers through his hair, or wrap his fingers around the back of his neck without complaint. Sometimes he could wander from his neck to his chest, feel his pectoral muscles jump as he touched them. Kei tended to tense when Shoyou touched his clothed waist or bare side, but more times than not when he went to remove his hand Kei would grab his wrist and put it back.

Shoyou knew that it didn’t matter how lovingly he touched the stretch marks on his side, if Kei caught on to what he was doing he would bat his hand away.

But it was fine because when he was making out with Kei he was mostly concerned with his mouth. Kissing was the only time Shoyou felt like he had the upper hand and he loved pulling back just out of reach, teasing him, until Kei whined and unwound his hand and finally touched him to pull him back down.

Kei preferred longer kisses and there were plenty of times that Shoyou was inclined to give them to him, but as much as he pulled back to tease and taunt Kei he also pulled back to keep himself calm, to keep himself from rocking his hips and giving himself away. Despite the noises Shoyou could pull from him, Kei never seemed as affected by their kissing as Shoyou did.

Kei sighed into one of Shoyou’s quick kisses when the door burst open.

"Kei, what do you--" Akiteru let himself in, "Oh, hi Shoyou. Are you going to stay for dinner?"

Shoyou sat up on Kei's thighs and smiled at him, "No, not today. I need to get going soon." They had finished their homework a while ago and in reality he should have left at least ten minutes ago so he could make it home with dinner with his family.

"Okay, it was good to see you again. Let me know when you want to stay and I'll make extras," he gave them a thumbs up and left the room.

Kei threw his arms over his face and groaned, "He's so embarrassing. You think by twenty-three he'd know how to knock on a door."

Shoyou stared at him for only a moment before roughly crashing their lips together, their teeth clanked together in a way that hadn't happened in months thanks to growing experience. Before Kei could even ask what that was all about, Shoyou laughed into the kiss, "Someone saw us. Someone saw us and you're still talking to me. Kei that's so good."

"I'm not a child," he grumbled.

Akiteru walked into the room again, "I mean to ask, what do you want for dinner?"

Kei shot up off the floor and knocked Shoyou off of him, "Aki!" he yelled, "What are you doing? No! Don't answer that. I don't want to know. I'm not going to eat with you tonight."

Shoyou watched with wide, amazed eyes as Kei laid down next to him still scoffing about how annoying his brother was. But Shoyou didn’t care what he was talking about because Kei was still talking to him. When he finally stopped, Shoyou smiled at him.

“I like you so much.”

Kei offered him the barest of smiles, “I know.”

* * *

**Shoyou** : keis brother saw us kissing and kei didnt freak out  
 **Shoyou** : he kept talking to me like it was normal  
 **Shoyou** : maybe my plan is working  
 **Kenma** : I’m glad your not-boyfriend learned common decency,  
 **Shoyou** : kenma  
 **Shoyou** : be nice  
 **Kenma** : That is me being nice.

* * *

Three days in a row their mother didn’t join them for dinner.

Shoyou was only eighty percent sure that she was going to work in the morning, he left way before she did and Natsu walked to school by herself so neither of them needed her help for anything in the morning. If it wasn’t for Natsu saying she saw her outside of her room, he would have guessed that she hadn’t left.

Natsu seemed oddly unaffected by the whole thing. She was too young to remember the worst of their mother’s depression but now she simply acted like she was getting a bit more freedom to do whatever she wanted. She didn’t understand why Shoyou was so worried about her, it was only a few meals, nothing catastrophic.

But Shoyou remembered what it was like when she was a baby, he remembered the times before their father passed away when the whole household burst into tears due to the stress of the situation. He didn’t want to do that again, he had so many other things going on, he wanted to be selfish and not worry.

After the third night he let himself into his mother’s room without knocking and laid down next to her, “I love you, mama,” he whispered.

She gave him the ghost of a smile, “I love you too, baby.”

* * *

**Yachi** : Can you keep a secret?  
 **Yachi** : I mean, I’m supposed to keep this a secret but I think you should know about it so on a scale from 1-10 how well can you keep a secret?  
 **Shoyou** : im doing a great job keeping keis secret!  
 **Shoyou** : tell me the secret  
 **Yachi** : This has to do with that.  
 **Shoyou** : tell mee  
 **Yachi** : Tsukishima came out to Tadashi.  
 **Shoyou** : !  
 **Shoyou** : !!  
 **Shoyou** : !!!  
 **Shoyou** : i have to go kiss him right now  
 **Yachi** : NO!  
 **Yachi** : Then he’ll know that Tadashi didn’t keep his secret and Tadashi will know that I didn’t keep his secret!  
 **Yachi** : Oh no.  
 **Yachi** : Are we terrible friends?

* * *

Shoyou seriously debated telling Kenma that Kei came out to his best friend, but he knew that Kenma was not Kei’s biggest fan and technically it was supposed to be a secret. He drafted the message a few times but never sent it.

* * *

Shoyou was going to die if he had to think about math. Kei was going to yell at him because he didn’t have the formulas he needed memorized and then he was going to die. He knew that he had a big math test coming up and with Kei’s help he could even pass the test but he was not ready to start studying for it.

So he did what any good student would do-- he begged for a break. Kei, merciful Kei, allowed it on the stipulation that it not be too long and they go back to studying right after. Shoyou happily agreed to his terms.

Shoyou stretched his arms over his head and looked around Kei’s room. He had been in there plenty of times over the past two years and very little had changed, Kei kept himself neat except for an occasional pile of clothes in the corner but even that seemed tidy and purposeful. His entire house was like that, everything had a place or a purpose, Shoyou couldn’t see himself doing that when he had a place of his own.

He found himself looking at the dinosaur figures on the shelves above Kei’s bed. Shoyou wondered when the last time Kei played with them was, he could just imagine tiny Kei smashing his toys together but at the same time it seemed unlikely. He stood up and let himself on Kei’s bed to get a better look at the figure, he felt Kei’s eyes boring holes into his back but he didn’t say anything so Shoyou felt safe to continue.

It wasn’t until Shoyou picked up one of the figures did Kei have a problem. He jumped up from his place on the floor and grabbed the figure out of his hands, putting it back on the shelf exactly as it was before, going so far as to lean back to examine it and slightly readjust the angle.

In his haste to get to the dinosaur figure he had pushed Shoyou over and he quietly watched as Kei fiddled with the toy to get it just right. That was something he didn’t notice about Kei before, he knew that he was neat and liked to have things just so but he didn’t realize to what extent. He smiled warmly up at him even though he wasn’t looking; it was just like him.

Kei turned to face him once everything was in its place and opened his mouth, presumably to scold Shoyou for touching his things without permission, but his mouth hung open slightly and his breath caught in his throat. Shoyou was about to ask if everything was okay when he remembered that he was laying on Kei’s bed.

He was laying on Kei’s bed with Kei looking at him like he wanted him.

Shoyou reached up and grabbed his shirt to pull him down next to him and slowly tilted his head back for a kiss, giving Kei plenty of time to say that it was too much and they had to stop. But Kei leaned forward and they kissed delicately, like they were unsure of themselves.

He had been on Kei’s bed once before, after he broke up with Hana and before Kei dissociated, but it wasn’t like this. They had never kissed with this type of tension surrounding them, like they knew that this was different and could lead somewhere new. He wanted it to lead somewhere new, but only if Kei wouldn’t reject him afterwards.

He gently ran his fingers through Kei’s hair a few times before raking his fingers across his scalp. Kei groaned quietly into the kiss and tried to push himself closer to Shoyou. That was dangerous though, because Shoyou had worked so hard in the past to make sure Kei didn’t find out just how much kissing affected him but if he kept pushing closer he would definitely find out first hand.

Shoyou lightly pushed at Kei’s hip so he would lay on his back and swung his leg over so he could straddle and hover over Kei’s lap. It was just as if they were back on the floor, but definitely not because tension still ran high.

Kei pulled and twisted at the hem of Shoyou’s shirt and for a moment he worried that Kei was going to rip through it but he let go all at once and put his hands on Shoyou’s side. Shoyou pushed harder into the kiss to silently encourage him, Kei almost never touched him and the feeling of his hands running down his sides to his hips was almost too much.

And his hands kept going until he was touching the backs of his thighs and Shoyou was trying so hard not to rock his hips but all hope was lost when without any warning Kei roughly dug his fingers in.

Shoyou moaned loudly into Kei’s mouth and grinded down on him before quickly pulling away, “I’m sorry,” he gasped, silently hoping that Kei wasn’t going to kick him out.

“Shut up,” Kei whispered hoarsely as he surged forward to capture his mouth in another kiss.

But Shoyou didn’t know what to do. He instinctively kissed back but his mind was racing, there was no way that Kei didn’t feel his erection, and maybe Kei had one as well but maybe that was wishful thinking on his part. Did this mean Kei was ready for more things than Shoyou previously thought? What exactly were they doing up on his bed?

Shoyou was so lost in thought he didn’t realize he stopped kissing back until Kei scoffed underneath him and rolled him over so they were laying side by side. He bit back a smile when Kei immediately gripped the bottom of his shirt again.

Kei looked like he wanted to say something so Shoyou waited.

“Do you think about sex?” he blurted out, looking away quickly so he didn’t have to see Shoyou’s reaction.

Klaxons went off in his brain. He never expected Kei to ask him anything like that and he wanted to think more about it but Kei peeked back at him waiting for an answer so he nodded once, “Yes.”

A blush erupted across Kei’s face as he asked, “Do you think about sex with me?”

Shoyou bit his lip, he was too cute. He didn’t know what kind of answer Kei wanted to hear. Did he think about sex with him? Of course he did. Late at night when he was lying in bed that was where his brain tended to wander, but he didn’t know if Kei with his bright blush and brighter eyes wanted to hear that.

“If I say yes are you going to make me leave?” he asked carefully.

“No.”

“Then yes.”

Shoyou didn’t think it was possible but Kei turned redder, he could almost feel the heat radiating from his cheeks, “Oh,” he said quietly as he shifted a bit closer to Shoyou, “I’ve never really thought about it.”

That tracked with the idea that maybe Kei was asexual but it was difficult to believe that when Kei’s breath was so shallow and his large, dilated eyes were looking at him like he had never wanted anything more in his life. If Kei kept looking at him like that they could definitely have sex right here and now.

He covered his face, trying to ignore how much his body was interested in the idea, “Your brother told me we shouldn’t do it,” he said instead.

Kei grabbed his wrist and pulled his hands away from his face, “We’re not talking about him right now,” he said roughly before closing the distance between him.

Shoyou tried not to immediately moan into the kiss, reality was so much better than fantasy and Kei’s kisses were demanding, he gripped at Shoyou’s hip and pulled them closer and for once he was sure that Kei was hard too. Kei had never been a passive participant in their makeout sessions but this eager version of him, the version who knew what he wanted and was going for it, was making him melt.

Kei broke the kiss and pressed his mouth against Shoyou’s jaw, “I think. I want to make you come,” he whispered so quietly that Shoyou almost didn’t hear him.

"I can't believe you just said that,” he gasped. It was almost too much at once but he wanted him so much he wasn’t going to lose this chance.

Kei put his leg between Shoyou's and grabbed onto his thigh again. Shoyou liked this confidence, this was more like the Kei who he saw on the court and if he saw him all the time Shoyou didn’t think he’d be able to keep his hands to himself for too long.

They kissed with renewed desperation and Shoyou ground down against his thigh. He shifted slightly and pressed their erections together, he was dizzy with how good it felt and Kei gasped lightly into the kiss so he pressed more, rocking his hips against Kei’s in an unsteady rhythm.

But then Kei pushed him away.

"We need to stop," he panted, "I need to stop."

Shoyou wanted to groan in protest but he looked at Kei and alongside the lust in his eyes there was shock, maybe fear, and he knew that they had to stop. It was enough to know that Kei did actually want him like that, even if he couldn’t handle it yet. He knew that was a possibility, he tried to look at Kei with warm and accepting eyes, he was always willing to wait for him.

"Do you want me to--" he started but Kei started to move.

Kei reached out to touch Shoyou’s wrist but pulled back at the last second. He couldn't handle the physical contact just yet. "There's a bathroom right there if you want to take care of that," he nodded his head towards Shoyou’s too-obvious erection then the wall his room shared with the bathroom.

Shoyou felt his cheeks light up and Kei’s casual invitation to masturbate in his house. It took a moment for Kei’s words to catch up to him but by then Shoyou was stiffly getting out of the bed to give Kei his own privacy.

He peeked into the hallway before he left the room and when he saw that it was clear he slipped out of Kei’s room and directly into the bathroom.

Once inside he pressed his forehead against the door and took a shaky breath. The correct thing to do would be to calm down and let his body relax on its own but he still found himself undoing his pants and gripping himself tightly. It would be rude not to, he tried to rationalize, Kei specifically told him to.

And what if Kei was getting himself off in the next room?

That one thought sealed his fate as he began roughly jerking himself off, trying to get off as fast as possibly. It didn’t take too long, he used his free hand to cover his mouth and stifle the sounds of his orgasm.

After he spent a minute leaning against the door trying to regain his composure, another minute cleaning himself up, and then three more staring blankly at the door until he decided it was safe to go back into Kei’s room.

He didn’t know what he was going back to, there was a possibility that Kei had mentally checked out because of what they had done, and a chance that he just wouldn’t talk to him, but he held out hope that Kei was both verbal and willing to put those skills to use.

"I'm sorry," Kei mumbled as he tangled his hand into Shoyou's hair.

He smiled up at him, "It's okay." And it really was.

"Thank you," he leaned down and kissed him lightly, nothing more than a quick peck, "Um, can you leave, please?" he begged quietly.

Shoyou closed his eyes and leaned into him, he wanted to ask if he was okay, to stay with him and make sure he was okay after Kei would say that he was fine, but he nodded, gathered his things, and left.

* * *

**Shoyou** : keis not asexual  
 **Kenma** : I don’t need to know this.  
 **Shoyou** : we didnt have sex or anything  
 **Kenma** : Are you okay?  
 **Shoyou** : yeah  
 **Shoyou** : i hope he is tho  
 **Kenma** : Shoyou...

* * *

  
The next day when Kei walked into the gym Shoyou jumped directly into the net.

“You idiot!” Kageyama yelled at him.

Shoyou didn’t yell back, he was too busy trying to think about anything other than what he and Kei did the night before or let any of that show on his face. It must have worked because after another few moments of ranting Kageyama got tired and they got in position to try again.

Mid-way through morning practice, Kei actually approached him. "Hi," he said stiltedly.

Shoyou stood up ram-rod straight, "Hi," he said back, trying to not sound as awkward as he felt.

"Ah," Kei cradled his fingers in front of him and kept his eyes on his hands, "do you want to run some blocking drills later?"

He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face, "Sure! That sounds great!"

Kei looked like he wanted to say something else but he clicked his tongue and walked away. Shoyou didn’t care, Kei had actually spoken to him.

* * *

Yachi was extra frazzled at lunchtime, even Yamaguchi couldn't get her to a normal level of calmness. "Is it just me or is every teacher talking about preparing for what we're going to do after graduation?" she placed her head on the desk roughly, "I'm not ready! Maybe I'll purposefully fail and I can stay here an extra year. Yeah, then I can be the manager another year and I'll be extra prepared for college."

Yamaguchi waved his hands frantically, "Hitoka, I don't think you can fail, I think they'll make you graduate. You're too smart."

"I am!" she wailed, "Why am I so smart! Why can't I be dumb and not have to worry about anything?"

"You mean like these two?" Kei pointed his thumb towards Shoyou and Kageyama who were simply watching Yachi spiral.

"Hey!" Shoyou said, offended, "You've been helping me get better grades for years. If anything you just insulted yourself. So take that!"

Kei shrugged, "His Majesty over here is still an idiot though."

Kageyama glared at him while he finished his milk box. After he got every last drop he said "I don't need good grades to be in the V-League. There are going to be scouts at the tournament."

"There are always scouts at tournaments, you're not special," Kei scoffed.

Kageyama leaned forward, getting into Kei's space. Kei automatically leaned backwards, "I am when one of them says they're going to be there to see me."

"What!" Shoyou yelled as he pulled Kageyama back by his collar, "Someone told you that? Why did no one tell me that?" He clenched his hands into fists, Kageyama would always be ahead of him.

Yachi reached over and patted his hand, "They probably heard that you're planning on going to Rio after you graduate. They can't scout you if you're going to leave."

"I guess," he grumbled. That made sense.

Yamaguchi placed his head on the table just like Yachi did earlier, "I have to worry about the upcoming tournament and getting us to Nationals and getting into college! How did Daichi and Ennoshita manage all of this?"

Shoyou brought a fist to his chest and proudly announced, "They had help."

* * *

When the ball landed on the court for the last time and the whistle blew, Shoyou had to double check the score to make sure they had actually won. When the scoreboard revealed they had won, he threw both arms into the air and roared with victory. They were headed to Nationals again, three years running.

Shoyou pulled Kageyama into a quick hug before they were jumped by their juniors for a raucous courtside celebration.

He laughed loudly as he was jostled around and everyone spoke over each other about what they thought the most amazing play was when he locked eyes with Kei across the court. There was something about the way Kei was looking at him that was familiar. It was the look Kei gave him when he wanted him, a look he had never seen outside of his bedroom.

Shoyou’s eyes widened and he felt himself blush but Kei looked away quickly, breaking the spell. He let out a long breath, he should have known that Kei wasn’t going to do anything while they were in public.

He couldn’t get lost in thought for too long though because their libero jumped on his back and the celebrating had to continue.

* * *

**Shoyou** : does kei look stressed?  
 **Shoyou** : more stressed than usual?  
 **Yachi** : It’s probably because of school.  
 **Yachi** : Nationals and finals and college entrance exams…  
 **Shoyou** : how should i help him  
 **Yachi** : Well, I usually make a detailed schedule for now until the end of the year so I can see everything that I need to do. It’s easier for me to visualize everything that needs to be done that way and I know how I need to use my time.  
 **Shoyou** : yeah  
 **Shoyou** : but  
 **Shoyou** : i cant do that for him  
 **Yachi** : I’m making one for Tadashi and they’re in the same class. I can make one for him too!  
 **Shoyou** : really?? youre the best!!

* * *

They didn't win Nationals but they placed third. It's the farthest they'd ever gotten before. In years prior he was upset when they lost but this year he could only see it as a victory.

After their final match they collapsed on the court in exhaustion but there was no lingering despair in the air. There was only pride. Pride for their school and their captain and what they accomplished and, for the third years, the team they were leaving behind. They knew it was their last tournament but it was still so difficult to wrap his mind around the idea of the last of something so monumental. He loved this team and didn’t want to leave them.

Despite the exhaustion by the time they all got back to the room, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. He resigned himself to staring at the ceiling and replaying every rally in his head, not to see what he could have done better but because it was quieter and less obtrusive than going on his phone and finding footage to watch how awesome they were.

Some time after lights out Kei sat up and put on his glasses.

Shoyou looked at him for a second and sat up too, if he was awake maybe they could go for a walk or talk or something. They made eye contact and nodded at each other, in silent agreement to meet outside of the room.

When they were out of the room Kei tangled themselves in Shoyou’s shirt like he did when they were kissing. He didn’t expect Kei to want to do anything like that but he looked up at him and let out a breathless “Yeah,” at the idea before pulling him into the bathroom for privacy.

At the end of the row of stalls was a small nook that was just big enough for them to slip into and remain out of sight of anyone walking in. Kei sat on the floor and dragged Shoyou down to his lap. He was surprised at how bold Kei was but if Shoyou had learned anything over the past few months it was that Kei always managed to surprise him.

Shoyou didn't bother with his usual teasing kisses, they were both too ramped up on adrenaline to play games like that. Kei even let go of the hem of Shoyou's shirt and allowed himself to touch the skin of his sides. They groaned into each other's mouths when he did and tried to press deeper into each other, like if only they could get closer.

Shoyou didn’t think they would have a repeat performance of that one time in his bedroom where they went to far, but Kei kept touching his skin and pulling him closer, he only had so much self control and he knew that it wouldn’t be long before he had to really concentrate on not grinding down into his lap.

But he didn’t have to worry because there was a quiet cough behind them and Yamaguchi smiled at them sheepishly. Kei pulled his hands out of Shoyou's shirt and placed them on the top of his thighs.

"You two shouldn't leave the room after lights out, you know the rules," Yamaguchi said, the smirk evident in his voice, "I don't care what you get up to but you can do it at home.”

Shoyou looked between Yamaguchi and Kei quickly, "Wait, you know?" He knew that Kei had come out to him but he didn’t know that he knew about their not-relationship.

"Yeah, Shoyou," Kei gasped out, "I told him."

He took a second to smile warmly at Kei but he noticed that he had gone pale and was clenching his fists, "Yamaguchi," he turned to his friend, Kei’s hands twitched and he started squeezing Shoyou’s thighs, "You need to go. We'll be there in a minute but you're freaking Kei out."

Yamaguchi was visibly surprised but he agreed and left them alone.

Kei exhaled sharply and rested his forehead on Shoyou's shoulder, "how did you know I was panicking?" he mumbled.

Shoyou ran his fingers through his hair, "You do things with your fingers when you're uncomfortable and you were squeezing my thighs." He scratched Kei's scalp gently, relishing in his longer hairstyle, "I like your hair longer," he said, changing the subject to help calm him down.

Kei nodded into his shoulder and stayed there. Shoyou kept running his fingers through his hair, stopping occasionally to kiss the top of his head. It was comfortable and calm but his heart pounded in his chest. Kei wasn’t usually so soft with him.

"We should go back now," Kei said eventually.

Shoyou didn’t want to let him go. They were going to graduate and Kei was going to go to college and he was going to go to Brazil and then what?

He took a sharp breath as he untangled himself from Kei. Loving him hurt so much.

* * *

  
Many of the feelings he had surrounding graduation were overshadowed by the fact that his mother didn’t show up. He tried to keep a smile on his face throughout the day, because it was supposed to be a happy day full of celebration, but he knew something was wrong.

* * *

**Kei** : I still have some Portuguese books. Do you want them?  
 **Shoyou** : yes!  
 **Shoyou** : can I come over and get them???  
 **Kei** : Sure.  
 **Shoyou** : Ill be there soon!

After they graduated Shoyou wasn’t sure if he was going to see Kei again, he wouldn’t put it past him to avoid him until Shoyou went to Rio just because he could. So when his phone lit up with a text from Kei, he immediately answered it. He knew that some people had rules about not texting back too quickly but Shoyou wasn’t one of those people, if anything he could wait too long and Kei would change his mind.

He told Kei that he would be right there, yelled to his mother that he was going out for a bit even though he didn’t expect an answer, and immediately hopped on his bike to start his ride over the mountain, hoping all the while that Kei wouldn’t decide to turn him away by the time he got there.

It took less time than usual to get to Kei’s neighborhood, he lived only slightly closer than Karasuno but Shoyou had biked as quickly as he could and after three years of taking the same route almost every day, the ride was quick and easy. What started as a forty minute bike ride crept closer and closer to twenty-five minutes the more he did it.

Shoyou rang the Tsukishima residence’s bell and was greeted by Akiteru. Akiteru seemed surprised to see him but then gave him a weird smile and let him in.

“Thanks!” Shoyou smiled as he entered.

“You know where Kei’s room is,” Akiteru bit back his own smile.

Shoyou gave him a curious look but shrugged and walked down the hall to Kei’s room. He knocked on Kei’s door quietly to alert him of his presence but didn’t wait to be let in once he found the door unlocked.

“Hey,” Shoyou said, looking around the room. It didn’t look anything like what he was used to, for one it was actually messy and despite the mess there were obviously things missing. Most of Kei’s books had disappeared and the shelves above his bed where the dinosaur figures usually lived had been cleared as well. “What are you doing?”

“Packing,” Kei said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He was currently pulling things out of his desk drawers.

Shoyou crossed the room and peeked inside the drawer to see what Kei usually kept in there, it was mostly filled with notebooks, “Why are you packing?” he asked curiously. He didn’t think that going to college would require so much stuff.

Kei frowned, "My parents might sell the house while I'm at college so I want to get everything out before they do."

"Kei, that's terrible!,” Shoyou practically shouted. Every time he learned something about Kei’s parents he liked them less and less. “Your parents suck!" He crossed his arms and pouted. Kei didn’t deserve to have parents like that, he needed more people who wanted to take care of him.

"That's one way of putting it," Kei sighed as he closed the desk drawer, "Do you want one last Portuguese lesson before I never look at the language again?"

Shoyou jumped up and down, "Sim, yes. Really?" He wasn’t expecting Kei to offer to spend any more time with him than necessary, which perhaps was silly because he was sure that Kei did like him almost as much as Shoyou liked him.

"Why not," he shrugged.

They sat at the table in his room and Kei pulled out the notebook he kept his Portuguese notes in. Shoyou frowned, if he had known they were going to have another lesson he would have brought any of his things along. But because he didn’t have his own notes he got to sit close to Kei and look at his neat handwriting and organized thoughts, nothing like Shoyou’s own work.

Shoyou wanted to smile up at him and thank him, but he knew that if he did they were going to start kissing. The thought, though, gave him an idea. He had done some studying on his own and maybe it was time to put it to good use.

The two of them spent some time going over some of the more complex grammar rules that Shoyou was sure he was never going to master. By the time his brain was swimming in sentence maps and parts of speech and he could barely remember how to form Japanese sentences correctly he knew that they were done for the day.

“Kei,” he turned to look up at him with wide eyes, "Translate this for me. Me beija."

He shook his head, "I only understand 'me'"

"Kiss me," Shoyou could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t think that Kei would reject him now that he was here but he still worried.

Kei looked taken aback, "What?"

He laughed to try and break some of the tension, "It means kiss me."

"Oh," Kei looked as if he was trying to work through a difficult problem, "Are you just letting me know or telling me to?"

Shoyou answered by climbing into his lap and kissing him. Kei sighed happily into the kiss and Shoyou laughed silently in response. Offended at being laughed at, he pinched him. It was all very childish. It didn’t hold any of the weight of ‘this could be the last time I see you’, even though they were both thinking it.

Kei broke the kiss and leaned back on his hands to look at him. It was unlike what they usually did so Shoyou stopped and waited for Kei to make the next move. Slowly he put his hands on Shoyou’s hips and slid them up his shirt so he could touch the warm skin of his waist. Shoyou bit his cheek so he didn’t gasp and scare him but he couldn’t help the shiver that ran through his body. He wanted to touch Kei back but he didn’t dare to move.

Kei moved his hands in small circles, taking his time. Shoyou gulped loudly and shifted a bit in his lap. If Kei kept touching him he was going to get hard but he didn’t want him to stop; maybe Kei had started thinking about sex with him and was taking small steps to get there. Who was Shoyou to stop his progress?

“Do you want,” he swallowed again, his words felt thick in his mouth in both arousal and fear that this would stop. He wondered, briefly, if this is what Kei usually felt, “do you want me to take my shirt off?”

Kei nodded, not even trying to voice his desires out loud, and kept moving his hands as Shoyou removed his shirt.

Seeing Kei touch him was undeniably worse. He felt his breath shallow and his body jump under his light exploratory touches. He wanted to kiss Kei so badly, to push him over and grind against him but he wasn’t going to do anything that would jeopardize this moment. He was used to wanting Kei, but he was not used to feeling this close to getting what he wanted.

When Kei rested his hands on Shoyou’s waist again they finally looked at each other. Shoyou was sure that he looked as red as his hair from trying to keep himself in control, but he couldn’t help and smile at how amazed Kei looked. Amazed at what, he wasn’t sure-- that he could touch, maybe; the desire to kiss him crashed over him again.

Shoyou grasped weakly at the hem of Kei’s shirt, “Can I take this off?”

Kei nodded his assent and Shoyou tried not to look too shocked at his answer.

He had seen Kei shirtless before, you don’t go three years on a team with someone and change with them multiple times a day without doing so, but he had never been so close before, he never had the permission to touch. Shoyou knew that he would have to touch him carefully and slowly or else Kei would stop him and push him away. He had to do everything possible to not overwhelm him.

Shoyou placed his arms like he was going to start at Kei’s shoulders but Kei immediately flinched so he repositioned to his biceps instead. His shoulders were marred with stretch marks just like his sides, and he wanted to touch and kiss them and tell Kei he was beautiful, but that would definitely get him thrown out of the house.

Kei’s body tensed automatically at every first pass but Shoyou soothed him until he relaxed and then went on. It made sense, Shoyou thought, Kei didn’t like being touched, he wasn’t used to being touched so lovingly. The thought made him sad. He ran his hands down Kei’s arms from the unmarred parts of his shoulders all the way down to his wrists, over and over, until Kei relaxed under his touch.

Kei closed his eyes and tilted his head back slightly. Shoyou considered kissing his neck and actually marring his perfect skin, a reminder of their maybe last time together, but decided against it. Instead he let go of Kei’s wrists and tentatively placed his hands on Kei’s chest, feeling how hard his heart was pounding.

Shoyou wanted, so badly, to roll Kei’s nipples under his thumbs and see what kind of noises he made. The thought alone made his dick jump in his pants but he was still trying to ignore just how hard he was. It was with great restraint he left Kei’s nipples untouched and let his hands travel downward to his abdomen and sides.

Shoyou carefully trailed his fingers along one of the deeper stretch marks that were etched into his skin. He went rigid but Shoyou shushed him gently, he wanted Kei to know that it was okay. He squirmed out of Kei’s lap and placed a chaste kiss against the marks there.

Kei immediately pushed him back, looking down at him with terrified eyes. That was too much then. From his place on the floor he watched Kei take deep calming breaths, watched him rub at his eyes and roughly rub his palms against his pants. He tried not to linger on Kei’s own erection, tried to ignore the thrill that shot through him because he did that to him.

“We need,” he coughed to clear his throat, “I need to keep packing. We should stop. You should go.”

Shoyou looked up at him. He wanted to say no, he could see how shaken he was because he enjoyed being touched and didn’t like being touched and Shoyou wanted to tell him that everything was okay, that Kei was the most beautiful person he had ever seen and it didn’t matter what anyone else had told him in the past.

But he kept his mouth shut.

Instead, he sat up, put his shirt back on, and gathered his things.

Outside of Kei’s house Shoyou looked back. He held his books to his chest and hoped that it wasn’t the last time he was ever going to see the boy he loved.


End file.
